Saturday, June 22, 2013

Transgendered Dilemma

Today's Speedo-guy pics are a nod to yesterday's start of summer.  But it's far from summer-like here.... it's pretty darn chilly!

This post will involve two topics: my latest Pride adventure and an upcoming coffee date with an early 20-something transgendered man.  (female-to-male)

1:  Pride Film Festival
Our little town's Pride schedule is a busy one, with a Pride event being held seven days in a row.  The day after the Pride Breakfast, I skipped the Pride church service officiated by several LGBTQ pastors, honouring folks who were killed because of their orientation.   A nice thought, but having to go to church?  Meh.

But I happily went to our Pride Film Festival.  After several LGBTQ shorts, the feature was Cloudburst (2011), an adventure-comedy about two elderly lesbian nursing-home escapees who embark on a road trip to Nova Scotia to get married.  It was sort of a geriatric, lesbian Thelma and Louise.  Filmed in Nova Scotia, it premiered two years ago and will soon be released on DVD.  Cloudburst has been featured in LGBTQ film festivals the world over.

Along the way, Stella and Dot pick up a handsome, hunky hitchhiker, Ryan Doucette, who left me in a permanent state of arousal.  Although the storyline centres around a lesbian love story, there were enough views of male nudity to keep the horniest of gay guys happy: asses, cocks and balls.

While the film had it's plot flaws, I laughed out loud more during this movie than any I've seen. Watching Stella (Olympia Dukakis) rhapsodizing about the cunt made the movie well worth the $5:00 admission. 

The most notable thing about the screening was the fact that 90% of the audience were lesbians, some of whom were slim and attractive lipstick lesbians.   But the vast majority of the lesbian movie-goers were massive ladies wearing (not kidding) flannel shirts, work boots and really butch haircuts.  They looked like they came in from killing and skinning a moose for supper.  I found most of them deeply unattractive, scary, even.  Is it a general truth that gay men are afraid of lesbians?

But where were all the gay men?   Of the 100 attendees, maybe ten of us were men.  As well, it seemed that most of the Pride organizers were lesbian women.   Perhaps men, gay or straight, just rely on the women in their lives, whether their wives, mothers or lesbian friends, to organize their social lives.

  • Favourite movie quote:  "If I were on death row, I'd request my final meal be right between k.d. lang's legs."
  • My movie rating:  LOVED IT!!! *****

  • Favourite audience moment, for me:   Dot (who's blind), accidentally climbs into bed with a hot, naked, middle-aged man who has beautiful, muscular thighs and beefy ass.  When the audience gets a prolonged view of his pendulous cock and balls, the entire audience of tough, butch lesbians squealed as one:   "Ewwwww!!!!"  Too funny!

B:    Coffee date with a transgendered man.  18 months ago, we hired a painter to help prepare our marital home for sale.  The painter was a slim, blonde young woman named Lisa who I assumed was a lesbian because of her close-cropped haircut.

I noticed Lisa at the Pride Breakfast and the Pride Film Festival.  Finally,  she walked over to say hello and I compliment her on the quality of her painting work.  She thanked me but said her name was now Ethan. 

I said:  "Wow! Congratulations! Well you're a hot dude!" and shook her his hand. It also turned out that Lisa was a good friend of Mary (who I blogged about),  my lesbian friend of mine and a former colleague and Mary's 20 years-younger wife.

In stalker mode, Ethan googled my name the next day and found my class website.   He e-mailed me at work to ask me to have coffee one evening and has been texting regularly ever since.

The dilemma:  Ethan's an attractive guy and very nice, but I will never be interested in dating / hanging out with someone who's 25 - 30 years younger than me.  I don't think he knows how old I really am.  As well, I really don't see myself being intimate with someone who has a vagina, no matter how man-like he looks.  I just love cock too much!

But since Ethan is a friend of a friend, I didn't want to behave like an asshole and get a negative reputation in town amongst my new LGBTQ friends.  I could not text him to say:  "No, I'm not having coffee with a transgendered person."   I have to deal with it in person;  it's just not possible to have a meaningful discussion by text. 

So we agreed to a  coffee date on Monday evening and  I'm worried about hurting his feelings;   life as a transgendered person must be very hard. Any advice?
 
 


19 comments:

  1. 1st lesbians: it's expected that since gay men and lesbians are both homosexual we must understand each other better - couldn't be farther from the truth. I think gay men understand lesbians less because we understand women less and then the gay thing adds yet another degree. I think gay men live in a more male gender based environment and lesbians live in a more female gender based environment. Make sense?

    the Transgendered thing - it seems like you're over thinking it. A person you have a casual acquaintance with wants to have coffee. Interested or not? If you think it could be pleasant hour then great - go it is easy enough to keep the conversation neutral and communicate what your are about these days. If not you are a really busy guy - easy peasy.

    I think coffee could be a great experience. maybe he has a hot older brother or father.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sean, thank you for the excellent advice as always! I really like your view on "male gender based environments" etc. Following that line of reasoning, I think that married heterosexual men with children would be more in the middle environment between both genders.

      As to the coffee date, yes, I am probably projecting too much. I just need to enjoy the moment and be honest with him. He was, by the way, a very attractive young woman (blonde, blue-eyed) and how is an extremely handsome young man ... and very charming, to boot!

      Delete
    2. I agree and you said you do not date anyone 30 years younger, so that's your first concern

      Delete
  2. I would go for coffee. Can you imagine how hard it is to be transgendered, especially in a smaller metropolitan area? Ethan may just be looking for a friend. He probably lost a lot of his friends when he started his transition. I agree with Sea. You can easily let Ethan know that you’re looking for a guy closer to your age.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, yes, I'll definitely go for coffee. I know that the conversation will be interesting! Ethan is intelligent, attractive, very nice and ambitious. (he owns his own contracting company)

      Many LGBTQ folks think that ours is a difficult town to be gay in .... remote, smallish, blue-collar. But I'm sure that transgender people would have a very much more difficult time here.

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  3. You are probably projecting too much.
    I know sexual identification is about how you feel about yourself, but if she has always liked men, why would she want to become a guy and go for gay men instead, while the population of straight men is far bigger? I am not saying there are no such cases but statistically it's rare!

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    Replies
    1. You're probably right! I've never knowingly met a trans person and know very little about it.

      Trans people have a sexual identity which doesn't match the sexual organs / gender they were born with. But that is a different issue regarding who they are attracted to. A trans man (female-to-male) might be attracted to men, women or both.

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  4. "She" is a he. He has a vagina. I think you can be honest with him, and simply say you wouldn't be turned on by that. However, Ethan could simply be looking for friends, want to renew an acquaintanceship with you, or otherwise just want to chat. There may well be no sexual intent in his "stalking" at all. I know several transgendered people, all F2M, and they know I'm not interested in them, mostly because they are STRAIGHT GUYS in a woman's body - that's an important distinction - there are very few F2M guys who are gay (that is, a guy, with a biologically female body, who are turned on by other guys). In my experience they are turned on by girls and many times, if they didn't realize early in their lives that they were transgendered (one friend has come out three times to his parents), identified as lesbian. That part doesn't change - only the biological stuff is mixed up.

    Peace <3
    Jay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jay, for all that information. It will help me feel less ill-informed when I meet Ethan. Your comment that "there are very few F2M guys who are gay" was interesting and very reassuring!

      Delete
    2. Glad to help, Buddy Bear. I think there is a lot of misunderstanding around trans folks, and believe me, I am still learning! I correspond regularly with a F2M trans guy in Alaska that is a gay guy, so that is how I know that gay trans guys are unusual, and there are two trans guys in my LGBTQ youth group, plus the program director is F2M trans, and there's another guy I've met in Northern Ireland that is just starting the process to transition. It's a tough place to be in, as far as I can figure.

      Oh, and pronouns are IMPORTANT! If your friend is a guy, PLEASE use "he", "him", etc. It shows respect. We start every session with name, age, and pronoun preference. It's that important.

      Jay

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    3. Again, thanks for the excellent teaching on trans etiquette!

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  5. Trans people, like everyone, are complex but gender identity and sexual orientation are TWO separate issues.

    When with a trans person you address them as they present themselves, as you would with anyone, regardless of their biological/gender status and it is impolite to ask.

    As for sexual orientation, again, don't ask, they'll tell. Often sexual orientation did not match gender and because gender identity is even less known then sexual orientation the trans person first thinks of themselves as homosexual before they realize they are trans. Example: a biological man has a female gender identity so at first he thinks his attraction to men means he's gay. Once he realizes that he is really a woman and his attraction to men remains so he is now straight.

    Each person is different so it is best to follow their lead. Names and wardrobe are usually clear indications for how they are living and which pronouns should be used.

    And I agree. Men such as yourself who have lived with/dated/married women or are bisexual probably have a better understanding of women.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sean, thank you for all this information. While I think that I have a pretty good understanding of women, many a married man (most, in fact) would say that they don't understand women at all. For them, the age-old question, "What do women want?" remains a mystery.

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  6. Honesty is the best policy and I'm sure you'll express your feelings in a caring fashion - something Ethan should be able to understand. Curious if Ethan is looking for something romantic or simply feels isolated and alone and sees a caring soul when he sees you.

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  7. Ethan's probably well aware that friends and family are all dealing with something very new in their lives. He is, too, of course, more than anybody. My suggestion for what it's worth is to go into the coffee date with no preconceptions whatsoever. Just be yourself, be honest, and everything should be just fine

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  8. BosGuy and Will: thanks for your input. Yes, honesty and compassion are indicated here, I think!

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  9. Across the street from my apartment is a gay bar with a fair number of transgendered people. In fact, the bartender is a MTF one and is a leader in their support group. When I first came out, she and the others were so damn supportive of me, I couldn't have made it without them I think. They have since "adopted" me and I have been honored by being the only non transgendered invitee at some events. Deanna the bartender has been like my guide and I have said many times I am glad of that particular bar. I say meet with him. Not all meetings need to be about sex. And I would say this IS a part of the gay journey.

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