Friday, July 29, 2011


After seven months of separation, we've had several meetings to discuss the details of our divorce.  It's something that I've been dreading for a long time and has been highly stressful for everyone.

Much hatred and bitterness still exists and will probably always be there. At the first meeting, there were many recriminations and the re-hashing of ancient history but no name-calling.  As emotions were so raw, we limited the time of each meeting. Tears were shed on both sides but overall, it went fairly well.

By the third meeting, it was "all business."   We came to a firm agreement on most items including all the major ones.

I recognize my wife's anger, sense of betrayal, her hurt at being abandoned at middle-age, the idea that her life has been destroyed.  This damage is something which I can never undo.  I don't think a coming-out, formerly closeted gay husband can ever truly imagine what it is like for the jilted wife to go through this.

In our province, mediation is required for every couple embarking on a divorce.  A lawyer recommended that we start with these face-to-face discussions as the cheapest path to divorce. Once all our issues are discussed between us, we would then work with a mediator to finalize the details.  One lawyer would draft the final divorce agreement, acting for both of us.  We both are in strong agreement that this is our only option to preserve our assets for ourselves and our kids.   In fact, fewer than 20% of divorces in my town ever reach a court room.  In adversarial divorce, there are no winners, only different degrees of losers.
Our settlement involves:
  • several houses changing ownership
  • the purchase of house and the sale of another one
  • the division of much "stuff" such as furniture, mainly complete
  • everyone moving to a different home (sort of a swap)
  • inheritance (some already received and some potential) which has been removed from the table
  •  pensions and retirement income
  • discussion of a future marriage (for me, with another man)
  • university costs ....   a big topic!

There are no child support or custody issues as the kids are older and already go back and forth freely between the two homes.... a perfect arrangement .  They all have excellent summer jobs and are earning much of their own spending money anyway.

Divorce never comes cheaply and this will be the biggest cost related to my coming-out.   I have no doubts at all that it will be worth it;  being finally free to live a truthful life.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Stoner Blowjob

Last April, a new blog appeared with a somewhat familiar title: One Hookup at a Time, written by Jack, a late 40ish guy.  Hmmm.... methinks Jack has a sense of humour!   Jack hardly needs a shout out from me, since in just four months, his blog has had nearly 20,000 visitors.  Sex sells!

My next encounter after Hottie Nurse (which I wrote about here, here and here), resembled a "hookup" of the sort that Jack writes about.

I'd been exchanging messages all week with Mike.  His profile picture featured an amazing, giant-sized cock but no face pic.  Mike  claimed to work as a nurse at the hospital but I suspect he was an orderly.

Mike's profile:   HOt Hung and Horny

42, 5'8", 152lb, 31w, Average, Black Hair, Some Body Hair, Middle Eastern, Looking for:  Friendship, 1-on-1 Sex, 3some/ Group Sex, Misc Fetishes, Relationship, Cam2Cam.
good looking east indian guy looking for hot fun my place or yours.  Vers bottom guy here looking to suck deep throat, get fucked.

Our schedules didn't allow for a hookup all week.   The day after my encounter with Hottie Nurse,  it was my final evening in town and was planning to go the only gay club in town, by all accounts a happening place.  

Just then, Mike sent a message, saying he was ready for a hookup right now.  After a few messages, he phoned me and we discussed the possibilities.  He wanted to do anal with me as top;  I said I wasn't ready for that (at least not with him).  He laughed and said, okay, how about "69?"    I said perhaps, but maybe just exchanging blowjobs would do since I was so inexperienced. Mike sounded very pleasant, quite "normal", so I got his address and took a $35.00 taxi ride to his house.

The house was in an expensive neighbourhood.  A middle-aged, fat man left his family dinner table and answered the door.   (I thought, "Wow, he doesn't look like his profile!)  He said, "My brother Mike lives in the basement..... go around the back."   Clearly, Mike was the crazy gay uncle living in the basement.

I walk to the back patio and found Mike sitting there smoking a joint (marijuana cigarette), clearly his "pre-sex" routine.  He leered at me approvingly; he liked what he saw.  I wouldn't have described him as "good looking" exactly, but otherwise, he appeared to be exactly as his profile claimed.  Mike had a second joint waiting on the table which he kindly offered to me!  (I don't do drugs)  I said, "No thanks, but you go ahead."  While I waited and considered the situation, Mike smoked the second joint.

He finished and said, "Do you still want to come down?"  He was just STONED out of his mind.   I could well have walked away then but he did advertise "suck deep throat" and I wanted to experience that.   I felt completely safe walking downstairs with him;  I outweighed him by nearly fifty pounds and he was so wasted, I could have knocked him over with a feather.

The unfortunate basement apartment, decorated with 60s cast-offs, reeked of cat pee with an underlying scent of moldy carpet on concrete. I felt myself shrivel up down there as we went into the bedroom.

Why did I stay?  I felt at no risk and I really did hope to experience a good blowjob.  We took off our clothes and I arranged mine at the back door for a quick getaway.  He lay down on the bed, apparently comatose, while I took his limp cock into my mouth.  If I had any doubt about my sexual response to men, this encounter confirmed my gayness yet again.  Amazingly, even in these distasteful surroundings, I instantly became rock hard.

His cock grew and grew such that the end of it was touching the back of my mouth and there was still some shaft not in my mouth.  I interrupted my sucking to ask him, "How big is this thing, anyway?"  He said it was seven inches.  No way! it was much bigger than that with a decent girth as well.  Note to self:  Remember to bring  a tape measure and a flashlight to my next hookup.

I deep-throated him as best I could, going slowly, slowly, slowy at his request and not using my hands, also his request. I then increased frequency.  I gagged a few times, but mainly I managed with it just fine.  For me, his cock was just a little too big, just a bit too much work keeping it in my mouth.   Like some bad porn flick, he took my head in his hands and forced me into a full deep throat.  I told him to stop and explained my spinal problem. He stopped.

After about four minutes, he came as I could feel his cock pulsing..... I pulled out and I think he squirted into his stomach.  He showed very little reaction, stoned as he was.  I thought, "Damn, I'm good!"  I asked him if he had come; he had.

He immediately took my entire cock into his mouth (Deep Throat King in action!)  It felt amazing! ... and did some aggressive tongue action on it which felt great.  For the first time in my life, I was gasping out loud during sex.    However, he wasn't pumping back and forth on my cock as I would have needed;  he kept his mouth was completely motionless in the deep throat position.

After about two minutes, he looks up and says, "Did you come yet?"  Was he joking?  I'm like, "NO.... I'll never come unless you pay some attention to the end."

He moved to the end of my cock and did something very unusual, I think.  Has anyone out there ever experienced this?  Just imagine yourself chattering your front teeth together as fast as can.  I think that's what he was doing to the end of my cock, applying an intense "chattering" pressure, except that I could feel no teeth.  I wonder if he was using his teeth, but with his lips curled under as a cushion?  There was no other way that I would explain the intense pressure.

I instantly went from "audible gasps" to being really vocal... I think I was trying to stifle my screams because of the family eating dinner upstairs, but I don't remember.  It was insanely intense, a combination of pleasure and pain.  After a short while, surely less than a minute, I felt muscle spasms and looked down to see both of my legs twitching in an involuntary spasm which travelled all the way up my torso.  I also saw my torso heaving and clenching.... it felt like my guts were being twisted .... not entirely pleasant.
I was lying on my back, my whole body writhing and having these spasms and after a very short while, I'd had enough.  It gone way beyond the "pleasure" point.  I told him to stop, shook his hand and said, "That was fantastic!", jumped into my clothes and sprinted out the door in 30 seconds flat.  He trotted after me, "Wait, I'll walk you out!"

To save on taxi fare, I took a public bus home.  As it was later on Saturday night in this university town, the bus gradually fulled up with gangs of hottie frat boys and a few girls.   Just as I was getting into ogling the cute boys, I suddenly noticed the smell of cat pee wafting off me.  Ewww!   I moved to the back of the bus, as far away from everyone else as possible.   At the residence, I stripped down and left my cat-pee-scented clothes in the hallway, soaked in a tub and spend the next hour in the laundromat.

 Do I regret this encounter?  Not at all!  The physical part was great, although again, I didn't come.   It formed another part of my gay journey and served to accentuate how special my time with Hottie Nurse really was.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Wrestler Eye-Candy

How about a change of pace from  my recent posts about my slutty activities?

Several years ago when I was "straight", the Canadian  national university wrestling championships were in town.   For $10, you could watch the muscular, testosterone-fulled guys in action, bulging in their spandex singlets, grunting,  grinding, sweating and putting their hands all over another man....   I so wanted to go, but I just didn't dare!  How could I explain my being there! 

The irony was, when I was in high school phys. ed., I hated wrestling .  The stink!  Touching another guy!  Feeling his package mashed up against you!!  Ewww!   I just hated it!!

After my session with Hottie Nurse,  I  now have an insane craving to have private match with any of these guys.  Just the thought makes me salivate.   Pin me!  Pin me!  All pictures are from the blog College Wrestlers.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


After what seemed like hours of intensity, we cuddled with his head on my chest, his body 1/2 on top of me, arms wrapped around each other and our naked legs entwined.  For me, this cuddling and intimacy was the best part.

Hottie Nurse:  "Did you come?"
Me:  "Probably not... it was a hurting a bit at the end.   It doesn't matter."
Hottie Nurse:  "Of course it matters!"
Me:  "Don't worry about;  I had a fantastic time!"

We rested in silence for a long time, just feeling full-body skin-to-skin contact, his cock pressed against my belly, me caressing him all over.  Sweet!   He dozed off a bit and after a while, I asked him a few questions.

When did you know you were gay?   "I was nine;  I had was no doubt about it.   I told my parents when I was in first-year college.  My mother told me that she always knew  (with a smirk).  My Dad wouldn't accept it;  it took him years."

Have you ever had sex with a woman?  "Once, with my best friend.  I even went down on her!!"  (said with boyish pride.)   What did you think of that? " Ick!  it was all juicy and floppy.  Ewww!"   Then, with a laugh, "She said it was better than the sex itself!"

Just to gross him out, I said, "Going down on a woman is my favourite thing ever!!  Licking the lips, all the sweet pussy juices gushing out, Slurrp!.... my whole face would be covered in it, the mattress soaked......"   Hottie Nurse:  "Ewww!  Ewww!   Plugging his ears..... I can't listen to this any more!!! Stop!!"  We laughed our heads off at that!

Have you tried rimming?  "Meh.... I'd do it if I was in a relationship and my partner wanted to."  What about the poop smell?  "Hottie Nurse:  "If you shower right before and douche... no problem."

"You do anal as well?"  Well... yes... duh!, that's the best thing ever.   "When we get together tomorrow, would you consider doing it with me... with me as the top, I mean."   With extreme casualness, he said, "Sure, there's the lube and condoms right there." I could probably have topped him at that moment (I'm sure he would have agreed) but I was just too exhausted and was enjoying the intimacy of our quiet time. It might have spoiled our whole encounter.

After this, we lay there entwined for a least a hour, dozing off, with me listening to his heart beating.   Writing this, right now, that's the one thing I miss the most about our encounter.  The quietness, the intimacy....

Eventually, he said he needed to go to work, the night shift.  From the bed, I watched him put his underwear and jeans on.  Sexy!  He showed me is smallish collection of sexy underwear with pride;  AussieBums, 2xist....  He was so young!  Just cute!

We went to the kitchen / family room where the 30ish woman house-mate, her boyfriend  (a hottie! woot!) and her teenage son were sitting.  I steeled myself not to react to the (potential) awkwardness of the situation.  Obviously, they knew that Hottie Nurse had been in his bedroom having sex with a stranger, some old fart!   No one batted and eyelash as we chatted about this and that;  eventually, they all left.

I lay down on the couch, covered up with a blanket and watched Alex cook us dinner.  I exhausted .... like a horse that had been rode hard and put away wet!   Before long, he presented me with dinner which he had mainly prepared before I arrived:   rice, chicken with basil and pine nuts and sauteed mushrooms.  Wow, and he can cook too!   It was such a great treat to have such a sweet, sexy, shirtless boy cook and serve me dinner.  Unforgettable!

Then, Hottie Nurse drove me 30 minutes back to my place.  Our original plan was to repeat our date the next day on Saturday afternoon.  To give him an "out", I told him (and this was the truth) that I had two guys who wanted to hook up with me on Saturday afternoon / evening.  If he was too tired for our second date, he should text me right away so I could hook up with one of those guys.

He had worked the previous night shift (Thursday) and had sex with me all Friday afternoon (instead of sleeping) and then was heading off to work all night Friday.  I was fairly sure that date #2 was not going to happen and  that saddened me.  Later, Hottie Nurse texted a sweet little note saying he enjoyed our time together but would need to sleep the next day and that I should go ahead arrange my date with the other guy(s.)

I'm fairly sure that this was the truth although it is possible that he wasn't that into me.  I wasn't going to worry about it....  I will cherish the memory of our time together forever.

The next day, I missed him terribly.  In his maturity level, Hottie Nurse reminded me very much of my own children; a bit weird, to say the least!  For a LTR, I would be looking for a mature man as a partner;  I don't need another kid to look after!  If Hottie Nurse was 10 years older and didn't live thousands of miles away, I don't think I would ever have let him go.

Next post on Monday morning, an unfortunate hook-up with a stoned, big-cocked 'Deep Throat King' ......

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Doing the Nasty

Add caption
Continued from my previous post, Losing My Gay Virginity!   For the experienced gay guys reading this, my first sexual  encounter with a guy might seem a very  "plain vanilla", even boring,  in terms what we did. 

For me it was  the most intensely sensual, sexual experience of my entire life  (so far, at least)

What made it so special?
  • The main difference here, obviously, was that I was with a man,  Although I'm quite sure that I would still be able to have sex with a beautiful woman and enjoy it,  at that instant, I finally discovered that my primary sexual and emotional interest was with  men. 
  • I was in bed with a sweet, thoughtful young man who I was intensely attracted to, both emotionally and sexually.  I didn't have to "work at it" or worry about losing my erection as I used to during heterosexual sex.  I was hard as a rock!
  • I have long moved past the insecurities and lack of self-confidence of my 20s which would have spoiled the moment.  Although I had no experience at all (for example, did not know how to give / receive a blowjob)  I was determined not to worry about it.  Hottie Nurse went into this knowing fully who he was dealing with.  My gay virginity might have been part of my appeal to him;  I didn't ask.
  • I was fully "present", enjoying every second as it occurred.  Throughout I thought, "I can't believe I'm doing this!   Savour it!!"  The sense of unreality was so intense that it felt like an out-of-body experience.   I knew darn well that this sort of opportunity doesn't coming along every day for old farts like me.
  • It was the very first time that I didn't have to take the lead during sex.  Hottie Nurse was extremely aggressive and very much a "take charge" kind of guy.   It took me a few moments to allow myself to surrender to that aggression, to not take the lead, but once I did, it was fantastic!  unreal!   
  • Once, I did flip Hottie Nurse onto his back and took charge for a bit.  I thought it  was like the hottest, most sensual naked wrestling match ever.
  • A terrible, horribly-embarassing disclosure:  this was the first time I'd had sex with another person in fourteen years.  While this may seem bizarre to many people, I know that the majority of closeted  gay guys with children, married to an angry, aging wife, face the same situation.... a non-existent marital sex life.  
In writing this post, I'm focusing on my thought and emotions of this encounter.  I don't think writing porn is in my future; I  just can't write smut convincingly.   Hard to describe what we did, but here it goes!

"What now?" I asked.  He said with some irony, "You have to take your clothes off!" and gestured at the bed with a sweeping motion of his arm.  Each of us dropped our clothes on the floor, jumped into bed and off we went!   He rolled on top of me and began kissing, aggressively, deeply, with an intensity I'd never experienced.  Is it possible to have a muscular tongue and lips?  Well, he had 'em!

He was certainly the best kisser I've ever had;  alternating kissing my lips and then sucking them, kissing, sucking, kissing...  deep tonguing.  The kissing went on forever and I was pressed deeper and deeper into the mattress by his force.  I tried to give back as good as I got, but he was just so aggressive!  I felt his hot breath on me eveywhere.

He continued tonguing and kissing the rest of me, ears, up my neck, and down my neck, into its crook  He  grabbed both my arms and pushed them over my head and licked my pits..long slow, thorough licks  I thought it would be tickish... and a bit weird, but it was fine.  Hairy pits were his favourite thing, it seems.

He then licked and nibbled up and down my torso. sucking on my nips (not much feeling there) and back up to my mouth again..

While he was kissing, I reached down and grabbed onto his cock... It was as hard as skin-covered steel!   Oh, to be in my 20s again!   I got the firmest possible grip on his cock with my fist and he thrust his pelvis as thought he was getting a hand job.   His pelvis pumped  back and forth with increasing frequency.  I loved the feeling of his foreskin in my hand retracting back and forth. ,While I had his whole cock in my hand, I SQUEEZED the end rubbed my thumb around the base of the head;  it must have felt great!   He did the same to my cock, while he licked my pits and sucked my lips.

At one point, I pointed his cock at my virgin ass  and he continued to hump, thrusting into my ass crack.  No penetration of course, but that pressure on the end of his cock must have felt good to him;  it felt good to me!

Still on my back , I spread my my legs spread wide and he shifted position, lying between my legs with our cocks pressed together.  He ground his cock into mine.  Each of us was grinding our pelvises into the other, grinding, grinding, grinding, up and down, side to side and then in a circular motion.  .... super hot..... I think might be called dry humping or frottage.  I think it was the thrusting that made it so hot... it is just such a natural movement for men.

After a very long time ...had to have been an hour.. of him exploring every part of my body (except my ass and cock) and with me reciprocating.... much of the time I was pinned to the mattress and he took charge.

He allowed me to flip him over and I licked my way down his torso to his cock and took it in my mouth. My first blowjob!   It was very large in girth at the bottom and oddly skinny at the end.  At the first mouthful, I thought, "Oh my God, I can't take it in!"   I had to open my mouth wider than was comfortable at first.  The girth at his cock's base was so much, it was hard to take in.

Slowly, slowly I began pumping his cock with my lips, from base to tip of his cock, applying as much pressure as I could muster.  I'm thinking, "No teeth!!"  I varied the routine by intense tonguing of the end of his cock and in/around his foreskin while pumping the shaft with my hand.   After (I think) several minutes,  I tried for  some 'deep throat' action, taking his entire cock in my mouth again and ramming the end into the back of my throat with some force.   I was surprised when I only gagged slightly several times. I loved it... this was my favourite part.  Feeling his cock ramming into the back of my mouth, knowing that would just be driving him insane with pleasure as the nerves compressed.   I continued this with increasing frequency, faster, faster., faster.... He wasn't very vocal but was lying back,  groaning slightly, eyes closed, abs clenching.

With out letting up, I focussed all the pressure on the last inch of his cock, grind, grind grind with my mouth until I felt his cock pulsing in my hand and mouth.  I held his cock in my mouth for a moment, motionless,until the pulsing stopped and then I slowly, slowly pulled away, keeping pressure on it all the while.

I said to him, "There wasn't much volume there!"  He said that he jerked off before he came to pick me up, so he wouldn't come too soon.  Again, to be in my 20s again!

We changed positions and he began to work on my cock.  It felt great:  my first blowjob ever.   He licked up and down my cock, paused, deep throated a bit.... constantly changing.   I started to think that he wasn't very good at it.  He would play with the head, deep throat a bit to bring me to the edge and then stop and lick my balls or something.  A bit of a disappointment, just slightly, as after while I knew I wouldn't come.

Like any middle-aged man, I needed some continuous, unrelenting action at the end of my cock to come.  After several minutes him of working my cock (don't get me wrong, it felt fantastic!!), it started to move from pleasure to pain ... just overly sensitive, so I had him stop.  I might have come just a bit, but I'm not sure.   Had I known him better, and had I know an expert cocksucker does to get a guy off, I would have made a few suggestions.  But the fact that I didn't come was not a big deal.... it was a fantastic, memorable experience!  Being my first time, I probably was a bit anxious as well.

Again, this post is long enough.  In two days,  I will describe (to me) the best part of our encounter, the afterglow.  ..... lying together naked for a couple of hours with our limbs twined, holding each other tight, talking about sex, laughing, teasing.  And finally,  him napping with his head on my chest.  Sweetness!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

My Gay Virginity Lost!

Actual picture of Hottie Nurse
Rather, I lost some of my gay virginity but certainly not all of it. 

On Monday, I started my work training in a small city several hours outside of Toronto.  On my first night, I set up my first-ever profile on a gay dating / hookup site.  I used my actual face picture and lots of my Undie Monday pictures.  My tagline:

"47 year old newly-out, formerly married gay virgin wants to get close to a guy for the first time ever.  I just want to suck a guy's cock.  If you wanted to suck mine, that would be okay, too."

On Tuesday, I received this message:  "hey I am interested I would so like to meet u my name is Alex!! And late 40's is cool I like men not boys lol. So let me know where u are and when we can meet up I am free pretty much all day friday!! So let me know."  BOING!!

Alex's profile read:

28, 6'0", 165lb, 32w, Swimmer's, Brown Hair, Smooth, White, Looking for Friendship, 1-on-1 Sex, Misc Fetishes, Relationship.   looking for masc men 30+, Pref hairy and average body type muscular is good too but that's not a requirement!   Also have a thing for bald men!! And for sweaty sex!! love licking a mans armpits mmmmmmm :) but not into stink!  Into kissing, sucking, licking, body contact, fucking and of course getting fucked!!! 100% VERS    And Guys please have a face pic!! Thanx

Alex is a nurse;  that is his actual profile picture above, but I cropped out his face.  He also included a couple of full-frontal pics of himself which I won't share here.  Magnificent, uncut cock.  Although he said he was 28, he looked more like 21. 

Over the next two days, Hottie Nurse sent me over 30 text messages as we gradually got to know each other.   He proposed a date on Saturday at noon when my course was finished.  This was the first time that I was available.  Since he was coming off the night shift, he asked if I would want to cuddle with him, naked, when he had his afternoon sleep; I would sleep as well.  I said, "Count me in!!"   How sweet was that!

At an early stage, I was concerned that Hottie Nurse was naturally smooth and had shaved pubes, the complete opposite of me.  I told him that I had rampant pubic hair and an extremely hairy ball (singular) and a hairy shaft.  I offered to shave my ball and shaft and trim my pubes.  He responded "Yes, please!"  Such a polite Canadian boy!   He added that under no circumstances was I to shave my chest or pits as those were his biggest turn-ons.   I would never have done that, anyway;  I love my fur!

He wanted to hear my voice so we arranged for him to phone me on Friday morning (the day before our planned date) during my coffee break.  He phoned right on schedule.  I asked him, "You do know that I'm over twenty years older than you?"   He responded, "Age is just a number!"   How sweet is that!!  He also commented that he was a pretty relaxed guy;  just go with the flow!  We had a great talk ... very natural and unforced.

He asked if I was smoker. (I don't, he does).   He was quite worried about this and promised to not smoke in the hours before we met and use mouthwash before hand.  I said, "You're a sexy young man who wants to take me into his bed.  Do you think I'll be bothered by a little bit of smoke?  I don't think you get how huge this is for me ....  a middle-aged old fart, a gay virgin like me to be with a hot guy like you?"

He said he wanted me to have good time with him.  I said not to worry, "Every single moment I spend with you will be exciting for me.  I guarantee it.  I want to make sure that you have a good time as well .... that's important to me."

After our phone call, he sent me a dozen texts of increasing intensity which I responded to during class.  Naughty!!   Finally he said, "I can't wait any more!.... I want to see you now!!"  I agreed and told my teacher that I needed to miss my afternoon and evening classes due to my spinal pain.  Liar!   Hottie Nurse was to pick me up in one hour at my university residence.

What followed resembled a slapstick comedy show.  I ran back, twenty minutes in the sweltering heat and humidity, sweaty, disheveled and stinking to high heaven.  I had a quick shower and slathered my cock and ball in shaving cream and quickly shaved myself 'down under'.  Hacking away at your genitals with a razor is a lot more difficult than you could ever imagine.... especially when it is done as a race against time.  I did the deed and discovered that razor nicks on your scrotum bleed very much less than nicks on your face;  who knew?  

I shaved my face to avoid giving Hottie Nurse whisker burn, trimmed my nose and ear hairs, had a second shower, put on my sexiest "fuck me" underwear, jumped into my clothes and raced out the door.

While all this was going on, Hottie Nurse was texting me continuously (while driving!) giving me updates, "Fifteen minutes!" then "I'm turning onto your street!" and "Meet me out front!"  The intensity was insane!   I was thinking,  "Am I really doing this?"

He pulled up, I jumped into his car and off we went!  (Yes, I broke every safety rule by getting into the car of someone who I'd never met.  In fact, he looked a lot like Jeffrey Dahmer.   Kids, do as I say, not as I do)   He wasn't very talkative, but  conversation flowed as we drove to his home the next city, 30 minutes away.  I asked him about his family, his job and past relationships.  Hottie Nurse had been in a LTR with a 44 years old guy for four years, but they split up a year ago.   He asked me about my marriage and my gay coming-out story.  He was very sweet and funny and a very aggressive driver.

We arrived at his rented townhouse where I was introduced  to a late 30ish divorced woman who he shared the house with (awkward!) and went to his bedroom.   I stood there feeling as awkward and uncertain as a foolish virgin from the 1950's .....

This post is long enough;  the description of us 'doing the nasty' warrants its own post.   To be continued in two days....

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Reflections on my Big Gay Adventure

I'm  in an airport lounge, half-way done my nearly eight hours of travel to the Great White North. My home town might as well be on another planet ... it is so different than what I've experienced over the past week.

I announced the start of my Big Gay Adventure with much trepidation in an earlier post.  In the end, my week far exceeded my expectations.  Much of the time, I found it took a great deal of courage to force myself into these scary and unfamiliar situations.  I don't regret any of it!

Something that has troubled me deeply for a long time was this:  I never really knew what my sexual response to other men "in the flesh" would be.  Was I only attracted to the abstract images online?  This week's experiences in the strip club and in bed with two different guys proved to me that:  (1) Yes, I can get extremely sexually aroused by men in real life and (2) Yes, Virginia, I really am gay.   It may have been obvious to all of you, but it certainly wasn't to me!

Some gay highlights of my week:
  • Spend a day with my dear friends Cubby and Greg;  that will be the highlight of my year, not just week!
  • Strolled Buffalo's gay village and went to my first gay bar where I enjoyed a little bit of attention as well as fantastic conversation with C & G.
  • Visited two male strip clubs and enjoyed looking at the sweet, sexy guys, enormously.   The high points were the few times when a fully nekkid stripper got an erection on stage....  it drove me wild with desire!
  • Loved having the hottie stripper boys just sit close to me not to mention being fondled by them.  Sweet!
  • The second strip club was very much a "cruis-ey" place and I saw first-hand how a little eye contact, a smile, some flirtation and a bit of an outgoing personality could get you everywhere.  (I was too exhausted to pursue any of this but I now know what I could do.)
  • Had my first (and probably last) paid nekkid lap dance.
  • Looked around some gay sex shops:  I loved the leather gear... the monster dildos, not so much.
  • Spend enough time walking around Toronto's gay village so that I became quite comfortable there
  • Signed up on a free online gay dating site;  I got the biggest response from guys in the 27 to 31 age group. Why???
  • Had the most incredible sensual and sexual experience of my entire life, being made love to by a sexy, energetic, aggressive 28 year old who not only drove two hours to pick me up / drive me home but cooked and served me supper afterwards!   Not a typical first-time hookup!!!
  • Discovered I loved being kissed by a man.
  • Had a second hookup with a guy stoned out of his mind in the seediest basement apartment imaginable.  On the plus side, he had a monster cock which in fact, was a little too big for me for oral, although I managed just fine.
  • Was on the receiving end of some amazing, convulsion-inducing deep throat action, although I never came.  Unreal!
  • Discovered that I am (I think) good at giving blow jobs and boy, do I like doing it!!!  Much more practice is needed, however. 

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Lap Dance

At Remington's, the hottie, shirtless off-duty strippers mingled continuously with the customers.  Since there were very few customers, I got far more attention than would normally have occurred.

The first hottie sat down beside me on the couch, his thighs pressed firmly against mine and began running his hands along my inner thighs to caress my bulge which instantly became a raging, rock-hard boner.  He asked sex-related questions, his face pressed very close as his hands moved all over me, my shoulders, my nips and thighs.  I know all this is to get money out of lonely gay guys craving affection but for me, it was the most intensely gay erotic experience ever .... insane.

Then he asked if I wanted to go with him to a back room.  Shocked, I said "What for?"   I finally understood it was for a private lap dance and we discussed what it involved and the price.

After a while, the next guy came by to try to sell me his lap dance.  The guys were all insanely sexy.  I tried to engage them in conversation. Age?  Do they have another job? How long have they been doing this?  Gay/ straight?  When did they know they were gay?  Where are they from?  

I had similar visits by at least six  guys, all in turn.  Some were sweet Canadian boys (probably straight) who seemed almost shy.  These ones were not the slightest bit touchy-feely.... a disappointment. By now, I wanted to be touched by all these sexy young men.  

The youngest stripper, a sweet Italian boy, didn't do the subtle caressing-of-the-inner thigh thing but grabbed onto my erection like there was no tomorrow, kissing my cheek all the while.   I asked him, "How old are you, young man?"  (20)  and "How old are your parents?"  (younger than me.)  He said, "What, you do think I'm too young?"   I told him to just go away!!   

I watched the strippers perform for another hour while I made my agonizing decision;  which one was I going to pick for my lap dance?   In the end, I picked the guy with the biggest cock, a big, muscular Hispanic guy with a huge, meaty uncut cock and a big set of low-hangers.  Hmmm ... size Queen?

We each paid $5:00 for the room and I paid him $20:00 for about three minutes.  We went into the booth where he stripped naked, stood in front of me and I fondled his cock and balls for a bit and pumped it as though I was giving a hand-job.   I'd never touched a man's cock before, let alone an uncut monster like this one, so it was pretty exciting; I was rock-hard the whole time.  I had an intense craving to have his cock in my mouth and asked if I could do that.  It was against the rules.

He straddled me and I cupped his balls and ran my hands over his nips briefly.   I had him turn around and ran my hands up and down his inner thighs and ass crack.  While it was very pleasant, I found the "sales jobs" of the hottie stripper guys way more erotic.  This was bit clinical.

I returned to the main floor and a smiley, blonde 27 year old stripper came by to sell me his lap dance.  He asked me about my history and I told him about being lately gay, married with kids.  He was very gay, interested, sweet, intelligent and enthusiastic.  He became engrossed in our conversation and soon forgot about selling me his lap dance, He said, "For me, it is not about the sex;  it is the most important part is to have an emotional connection."   Words of wisdom indeed, from a most unlikely source!

I instantly had lap dance buyer's remorse.   I should have had this young man for my lap dance!  Darn!!  The big-cocked black guy was okay, but he wasn't as into it as I would have hoped.

From my vast experience in private lap dances, here is some advice:
  1. Keep an eye on the time during the dance.  Overtime fondling minutes are very expensive!
  2. Bear of a Man suggested, "Be selective about the private dances, I've had some great ones and some real flops! If you can pick out the gay guys, they do tend to be more engaged and really enjoy themselves more, which I find makes it more enjoyable."
  3. If you want to see the ultimate in hot male strippers and acts, go to Montreal and not Toronto.
  4. I recommend that you forget about the paid lap dance completely.  Find yourself a 28 year old hottie who wants to have sex with you for free.  That way, you will have hours of intense kissing, mutual fondling, the giving and receiving of blowjobs and you can fondle his cock and have it in your mouth for as long as time as you want.  This is exactly what  happened to me later in the week ..... yes, I lost my gay virginity!!! (part of it, anyway). 

    Thursday, July 14, 2011

    Hot Male Strippers Up Close

    This is just a short post as my course is very intense and exhauting, running till 8:00 pm most nights.

    I arrived at Toronto's gay village at nine o'clock on Friday evening. I was in equal parts exhilarated and terrified. (and exhausted... I'd been up since 4:30 am to make my flight, followed by seven hours of air travel and a three hour drive into Toronto.)   Exhausted or not,  I was determined to get my "gay village" experience.

    It was far too early as every club and stripper place was empty.  Also, as Bear of a Man pointed out, "Pride finished less than a week ago so most gays in the village are still recovering from the drugs and booze."

    The sidewalk cafes were packed. I walked up and down the street and browsed in every sex shop. I'd planned on making some purchases but frankly, I was overwhelmed by the walls lined with lube, porn DVDs and sex toys of all description. The massive dildos, some of them three inches in diameter just grossed me out!!   Who would ever use them?  Surely, a "fringe" activity!

    At home, I am used to being checked out in public by (probably closeted) guys. As I walked down Church Street (looking pretty hot, he says modestly, in biker boots, tight button-fly jeans, tight v-necked Tee), I was struck by the fact that nobody seemed to be checking me out.  After a long while, I figured out that I was being checked out.  The experienced gay guys were just a lot more skilled at it, looking generally in my direction rather than doing the blatant staring-at-the-crotch thing.

    Everyone in the Village seemed so relaxed, happy and having a fantastic time.   And EVERYONE looked very stylish, slim and super-hot.  (except perhaps, the sweet 80ish gay couple who had their pants pulled up under their armpits.)

    All at once, it was just too much.  I needed to find a more comfortable place so I walked to Remington's , a mainstream male strip club outside of the Village.  It was also empty with just an Asian bachelorette party in progress and a fat teenage boy and several elderly American men watching the show.

    I sat down very close to the runway and watched the continuous parade of hot male strippers.  Every one was gorgeous and as sexy as hell, aged from about 20 to 27.  (I asked them their ages later, when they came by to 'visit.')

    It was so hot watching them gradually peel off their tight shirts and jeans right in front of me.  The best part was seeing their cocks jiggle as they strutted their stuff.  I instantly got a stirring in my nether regions.

    As part of their schtick, the stripper boys would all make eye contact with me (and the other customers) as though they were doing a private strip-tease.   Very embarrassing but so hot...  Sadly, all the guys were shaved, pubes and all.  Ick!

    They all had the sexiest undies, mainly pouch-type briefs, no thongs or G-strings.  Some would take their undies right off and fondle themselves, some would just tease with a peek... it was so intense seeing this from just a few feet away.  All the boys were uncut and came in a variety of sizes from average to large to monster. All their cocks were just beautiful.

    Sorry to drag this soap opera out, but I am sooo tired... I'll try to finish the stripper story tomorrow. A teaser:  the hottest part was not the nekkid lap dance itself, but having all the hottie strippers trying to sell me their lap dances by pressing up beside me, sweet-talking, rubbing their hands over my nips, inner thighs and bulge.... raging hard-on.

    Tuesday, July 12, 2011

    Sexy Lawn Boys

    He'd be perfect with some
    chest hair and a treasure trail!
    My work-related training is in full swing and man, is it intense!  Yesterday, we had activities for +14 hours.  The subject is highly technical and extremely difficult.  One of our trainers is a leading expert in the world on the subject.

    There are forty of us from all over Canada and with about 30% from overseas;  from Australia, Singapore, South Africa,  a couple from the USA and various European countries.  The majority are men; most of them attractive and a couple are just irresistible.  A  few of my fellow trainees and / or instructors are gay and I suspect that there are one or two who may be married and in the closet.

    With that in mind, today I plan to wear either a rainbow belt (the suitcase strap from the previous post) or a rainbow bracelet.  It pays to advertise!

    I know that y'all what to hear about my gay village adventures, but I am too exhausted and to pressed for time to do a proper post.  I promise that you'll hear all the details when I have some time.  So ........... in the meantime, here's a post which I prepared earlier.

    Although I won't be getting back to Toronto, I hope that I'm not yet done with my gay adventures.  I have several options which I am working on but I don't want to post about them so as not to put unnecessary pressure on myself.


    The college-aged lawn boys and landscapers are out in full force in my town, providing lots of delightful eye-candy.  Most of them are slim, lightly muscled with fuzzy legs, scruffy unshaven faces and touseled hair.  They are all wearing cargo shorts and are either shirtless or wearing a tight Tee or a wife-beater singlet.

    They all look so darn cute... just irresistible!  As I drive by, I repeat to myself, "I am hot attracted to guys the same as as my own kids.... I am hot attracted to guys the same as as my own kids....."  One day, I might even believe that.

    Sunday, July 10, 2011

    Checking out the Bulge

    World's Gayest Suitcase

    As typical of air travel in remote regions, my flight to Gayville took over seven hours with three stop-overs including two changes of planes.   The first three legs of the flight were on a 20-seater propeller plane, a cigar-shaped tin can with no washrooms or flight attendants on board.

    Both the pilot and co-pilot were very cute and were good to their uniforms.  The co-pilot was a hottie;  he looked about 18 but had to have been in his early 20s.

    My adventure started with some gay omens, positive I hope:

    FIRST: I borrowed my mother's suitcase for the trip.  While I am comfortable being semi-out, I thought, "Christ.... do I have to use the gayest suitcase in the world?"   The bright blue case had a green yarn pom-pom tied to it.   Lest it open up in transit, my father tied a rainbow-striped strap around it.  (They just happened to have the strap around;  it wasn't used because I'm gay.)

    SECOND: At 6:00 am on the tarmac, the hottie co-pilot looked me in the eye and said "Good morning."  Then his eyes travelled down to my bulge and then back up again.  OMFG!  Hey buddy, you need to learn to check out a guy's bulge more discreetly than that!!  It was a great start to my trip.
    Hottie Copilot closing plane door
    It was cool sitting close
    enough to see Hottie Copilot
    working his joystick.

    Fantastic rainbow is barely visible in this pic.

    THIRD: As we took off on a light rain, a fantastic rainbow came view.  A positive omen, I hope.

    I'm completely exhausted so this short post will have to do.   For my next post, I will talk about my first evening in Toronto's gay village.  I was frankly terrified but in the end, I found a situation where I felt comfortable.

    My first gay evening worked out just fine.  I didn't lose my gay virginity but had about five minutes of fondling action of the biggest, meatiest black cock  that you have ever seen. The fondling included his magnificent low-hangers, ass crack and inner thighs.   More on that later....

      Friday, July 8, 2011

      I'm Leavin' on a Jet Propeller Plane...

      Men with Appeal

      Shout-out:  Please visit the new blog Rigid Flexibility written by Mike, a father of three who lives on beautiful Vancouver Island. Mike is a very sweet guy and an online friend who first e-mailed me to say that our stories are very similar.  He is about four years ahead of me on his journey. 

      For my own selfish reasons, I want Mike to continue sharing his remarkable, inspirational story.  He is living proof that for us married gay fathers, life does indeed get better after coming out.  When you visit Mike's blog, please leave a comment and consider adding his blog to your blogroll. 

      In his post Gay Adolescence,  Mike talks about when he, at the age of 48, came out to his wife of nineteen years.  "Coming-out .... was the single-most liberating experience of my life! Suddenly I was out of prison and I wanted to shout the news from the mountain top!"  With that one sentence I was hooked;  Mike expressed exactly the same feelings of exuberance, euphoria and relief which I experienced on my coming-out six months ago.

      I strongly urge every closeted, married father with children to read his story.  In particular, read about how wholly supportive his sons have been towards their gay dad.  Check out the posts Father's Day, Father's Day 2 and especially Camping. Fantastic!

      In two hours, I will be winging my way to my Big (City) Gay Adventure.     This means taking a 20-seat propeller plane and having two other stops along the route.  I have been increasingly excited all week, but now, I am very a bit apprehensive for two reasons:
      1. The week-long job training I am attending will be very intensive and highly technical.  I'm afraid that I will be in way over my head regarding the subject matter and the qualifications of my fellow attendees.  My fellow attendees are from all over Canada and from overseas as well.  On the plus side, I am pretty smart and an excellent student.  My motto will be:   "It's better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt."
      2. I'm a little worried about my solo gay adventure in the big city.  I've lead an extremely sheltered life regarding all things gay. However, I strongly feel that I owe it to myself to push ahead with my gay journey and to start to explore the gay opportunities in the big city.  Have courage!!  I'm pretty cautious and a a careful planner (and will remain so), so it is the unknown which is causing the apprehension.  I will only do something I am comfortable with and  if I believed it is right for me.
      While I am away, I will not spend too much time online as I want to experience as many real-life "moments" as possible.  I plan to do a short post every second day,  especially if I have something really exciting to share. 
      Men with Appeal

      Wednesday, July 6, 2011

      Red Speedos

      When I last posted about Speedos, I searched unsuccessfully for this, my all-time favourite speedo picture.  Just looking a this picture gets me hard and leaking. 
      • my favourite view of a Speedo-wearing guy, straight up those forbidden inner thighs.
      • shapely calves and thighs, lightly furred
      • a lean, lightly-muscled "natural" man, not shaved, waxed, oiled or pumped up with steroids.
      • beautiful bulge, lightly hairy pits and perky nips
      • he's wearing a red speedo... my favourite colour of all!
      Here is my fantasy:  I imagine myself coming across this beautiful man, unconscious but breathing. In my efforts to revive him, I rub my hands all over his body followed by a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Has anyone every heard of a "modified Heimlich maneuver" to revive an unconscious guy?  Take his package firmly in both hands and shove it up towards his shoulders..... I guess not...   ;-)

      The only place to see Speedos in my town is at our local college pool with all the lovely swim team frat boys.  As an added bonus, the locker rooms have room-sized collective showers;  none of that bullshit with individual shower cubicles.  The swimmer boys are not at all shy about showering and walking around nekkid.

      Twelve years ago as a "straight" guy, I used to swim for exercise but stopped because it was so boring. (what the f*ck was I thinking!)  As part of my spinal rehabilitation exercise, I think I will have to take up swimming again....

      I leave the last word to Will, who commented (on my earlier post) on the benefits of seeing a guy wearing Speedos.

      I prefer to think that the wearing of Speedos serves the same purpose as shrink wrap packaging of various goods at the supermarket. It uses as few materials as necessary to protect the goods, allows a visual confirmation of the relative size, shape and quality of the goods, and assures the consumer that the goods are not hidden or misrepresented by unnecessary packaging.

      Monday, July 4, 2011


      To my many American readers, have a happy and safe fourth of July!

      Although I am generally happy and optimistic,  the months since I've come out have been extremely stressful and I've been on a "emotional edge" most of that time. I know  it was this stress which triggered my spinal episode which I posted about here:  Pain, Torso, Guys that Get Me Hard and Slowly Healing.   Many of you have asked how I am, so here's my current status.

      I've been frankly overwhelmed by all the support I've received, in online comments and e-mails and in my real life.  Reading your words of support brought me to tears many times, a rarity for me.  When I returned to work last week, I received a prolonged standing ovation from a group of thirty colleagues when I walked first walked in.  I spent the entire day on the edge of tears, overwhelmed by everyone's support and concern. 

      At its worse, I was in continous, excruciating pain and had lost most of the use of one arm and both feet as my spinal cord was being compromised.  I was was imagining life in a wheelchair.  Although I am no stranger to life-changing medical problems, this episode highlighted to me how fleeting our health really is. 

      One day, I was training for a marathon and a few days later, I could not walk up three steps of a clinic without assistance.  I spent that first consultation lying on the floor of the doctor's office in a fetal postion, gasping in pain.  My pain was so extreme that I didn't even check out the bulge of the handsome young(ish) doctor sitting directly in front of me in an open-crotched pose.  A shocker and very unlike me, I know!!  Darn!  Yet another missed opportunity!

      Right now, I am pain-free and have been off of all pills for several weeks. I've regained use of my arm and feet although some numbness will return if I do too much.

      I am bit hunched over with a slightly crooked neck and am extremely stiff everywhere.  (I am happy to report that the part of me that I actually want to be stiff is working just fine, thank you very much.)   Seeing myself in the mirror, I thought, "I look like some decrepit, twisted-up old man!"   It was an  'aha!" moment when I realized, "Hey.... I actually am a decrepit, twisted-up old man!"

      Diagnosis:  both the X-Ray and an MRI showed that four neck vertebrae were involved, two 'severely degraded' and two 'moderately degraded.'  I was first diagnosed with this in in my early 30s but it has gotten much worse.  The excellent news is that the MRI showed no disk involvement at all and my spinal column was not compromised. 

      Final verdict.... my neurologist says that my condition is not yet bad enough for 'vertebrae-rebuilding' surgery.  It may be needed next year or in twenty years.  I've been referred for physiotherapy to restore full neck mobility and I will have to commit to doing daily maintenance exercises.  In the meantime, I will do everything possible to maintain the status quo.  Every type of holistic remedy has been suggested to me, from massage, yoga, acupuncture, 'visualization' techniques, relaxation techniques, medication and reiki.   At this stage, frankly, I am open to anything. 

      The most important lesson learned is this:   
      You have to look after yourself:  no one else is going to do it for you!

      Saturday, July 2, 2011

      My Big (City) Gay Adventure

      Soon, my employer will be sending me to the other side of the country for a week-long training session. The training is located in a large southern Ontario city outside of Toronto.  I will have several free days apart from the session.

      This will be my biggest opportunity yet to push head with my gay journey.  I've had countless work trips in the past but this one will be memorable for the following reasons:  

      • I've finally admitted to myself that I am gay.
      • My marriage has broken down; after a five month separation, being unfaithful no longer applies.
      • No other work colleagues are attending with me;   I'll be a lone wolf!  Woooo!
      • I will be away from my small town where everyone knows everyone else.  Big city anonymity!
      • At my age (mid 40ish), I have a strong desire to not waste any more time in my personal life.
      • Toronto has one of the larger gay villages in North America.
      • I used to live in Toronto so I know it very well but not the gay part.
      Balancing all this out, I am extremely cautious by nature and I would never place myself in a situation where I would feel at risk especially since I will be there alone. By "at risk", I mean picking up some disease, getting robbed, beaten up or worse. Nor would I want to do anything really seedy.   My own comfort level is of primary importance.  If my gut tells me not to proceed, then I won't!

      I have no problem going into some gay venues by myself, such as to a bar.  However, I might be content to just hang back and watch but not participate in any of the activities.  No matter what I choose to do, every bit of it will be new and exciting!  Baby steps!

      I'm not sure what to do.  Visit a gay bar on Friday / Saturday night?  Which one(s)?  Look at some male strippers or go-go boys?  Make some purchases at a gay sex shop? Just people-watch in the gay village?

      Please, feel free to offer me some suggestions for my big city gay adventure, either as a comment or as a private e-mail. (xxxxxxx)  Thank you!

      If you are from Toronto or have visited there, some suggestions of  specific places would be appreciated.  If you've never been to Toronto, please make some suggestions based on gay venues you've visited in other big cities.

      To my Canadian readers, a happy belated Canada Day!   None of these guys is Canadian, but at least they're wearing red, eh?  (Both pictures are from


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