Thursday, June 6, 2013

Gay ageism: "seeking younger"

On gay 'dating' sites, I very often see profiles like this one from a 60 year old guy:   single, 5'-6", "a few extra pounds" (ie:  a short, fat old guy), "seeking a relationship" and finally "only guys in the 25 - 40 age range."

Dude, really? Seriously? Do you really think that a serious LTR is possible with someone 35 years younger than yourself? Or if you encountered a fit, smokin' hot guy your age, you wouldn't be interested in him because he was too old?   Or... if you hadn't let yourself get so fat, do you think that you might actually be attractive to younger guys? 

On sites like squirt.org, the vast majority of middle-aged gay guys (40+) are interested only in "younger."   It's extremely common for a 48 year old guy to list his preferred range as 20 to 50.   Whoopee!  He'd consider dating someone two years than himself!

I wonder if these middle-aged men are in denial about their age and mortality.   The young guys are fun to be with, I'll admit, and must make them feel younger too.

I know I'm the pot calling the kettle black, given the number of 22 year old men I've hooked up with.  And yes, the young guys do often have hotter bodies, less-saggy skin and cocks that get hard more quickly.  But they're generally less skilled in the bedroom and have less desire to provide sexual pleasure to their partner.

But I've NEVER messaged a 22 year old for sex. It's always them wanting to hook up with me .. .and well, who am I to deny those poor, horny young men?  It's practically my civic duty, to help them out with their gay virginity problem.   I rarely turn down an offer for sex from someone in his 20s.

But I'd never seek a relationship with a guy in his 20s.... and maybe even a guy in his 30s.  When I started out on the gay sites, my goal was to find a guy exactly my age.  But I've discovered, every guy that I've met who's been my age (in my town at least) has been one or more of the following:
  • seeking only much younger guys
  • still in the closet and living with his mother
  • still in the closet and married to his wife
  • a real stick-in-the-mud, stuck on his routine and who I couldn't imagine fitting into my family life of kids, dogs and clutter.
  • fucked-up:  needy, desperate or somehow 'damaged' from spending their formative years in the closet when being an out was dangerous, illegal and the subject of scorn.
I've done the "older partner" thing already and I don't really want to do it again (my former wife is 58).   I really need someone who is fit enough to keep up with me in my athletic pursuits, whether skiing / snowboarding, hiking, cycling and the like.  So, I generally (and politely, with an explanation) turn down guys in their 60s who message me.... I have a double standard, I know.

But if I will be seeking an LTR one day, the question for me is this:  how young is too young?


 
 

13 comments:

  1. I think most of those older(out of shape) men seeking younger are really sugar daddies on the hunt.

    Older, fit and sexually healthy (horny) men (like you) are just looking for their equal and those men tend to be 10+ years younger. The line about the LTR is just there so you don't think he's a complete slut. :)

    Besides, maybe by the time you've finished you slut phase (many many years from now) you won't have to go so young.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sean, you give the most inciteful, excellent advice! I think you nailed it with "looking for their equal."

      Perhaps because I'm rather sports-minded and spend all my time with teenagers (my three and all my students), I find most 50 year old guys just plain "old." I'm not talking about their bodies, necessarily, but their attitude and a (lack of) sense of adventure.

      Thanks to you, I can look at some early 40s guy as a potential LTR and not think that I'm robbing the cradle.

      Delete
  2. Ageism isn't a gay thing - it's everywhere, from the workplace to the bar scene - though I have to agree that the gay men posting on the hook-up sites always seem to be looking for the young, hard-body types.

    My wife is 13 years younger than I - she chased me and, for almost a year I wouldn't even consider dating her because I thought she was too young. She surprised me by being what we call "an old soul," mature and thoughtful.

    When you're ready for that LTR, age won't matter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the reminder! Yes, I know MANY divorced ladies my age who only get hit upon by men in their 60s and 70s. The men their age are all going after woman decades younger.

      Thanks for sharing that great story! I didn't know that you were married ... to a woman! Wow!


      Delete
  3. You nailed the classifications. I continue to be surprised at the number of middle aged gay men still living with their mom. It's creepy....whenever I hear it I run!

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    Replies
    1. Too funny! Yes, my whole list is rather depressing, isn't it?

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  4. whkattk said most of what I was going to say as I read your post. The important thing, I think, is level of maturity rather than strict chronological age. I have known guys my age and older who are total idiots, overgrown frat boys. One is known to give fantastic sex -- once. After that he's "picking out china patterns and selecting wedding announcement cards" as the saying goes, making an embarrassing nuisance of himself.

    There are also younger, sometimes much younger, men who come to our Sweat Lodge gatherings, intelligent, centered men who know what's real and good in life and enjoy the company of and sometimes relationships with older men, even marriage in one case.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your comments about "emotional maturity" really resonated with me but it's a concept which I had never before considered.

      Yes, there are plenty of older gay guys, old enough too know better, who are extremely immature when it comes to relationships and gay sex.

      Delete
  5. From a pure sexual attraction standpoint, guys in the late 20s to mid 50s are usually the most fit and, therefore, the most attractive. That said, I agree with you that a LTR with someone who is more than twice your age isn't going to work out well with either partner. If I mention "Watergate" in a casual conversation, I really don't want my mate saying, "what is that -- a new game for my XBOX 360?"

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  6. It would be interesting for you and your younger peers to read and comment on this piece when you all are in your late 50's and older. Age, injury, illness do not always respect our illusions of perpetual youth and health. It would be even more interesting to see yourselves in your older years. Guys I hate to burst your bubble of your but gravity and life, when truly lived, may brings some scars and sags despite our best efforts to pretend it will never happen to us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous: I don't understand what you're getting at. I've always been very clear that I am looking primarily for a guy my age which is now 51. I just haven't met anyone my age who is remotely suitable.

      I am well aware that our life span is finite since the age of 19 I was gravely ill with cancer. It was thought to be terminal but I survived. I presently have arthritis in my spine with four severely degraded vertebrae which require regular therapy just to maintain normal functioning. I've been actively investigated for another sort of cancer for the past 1.5 years.

      So, yes, I know that I am getting old and worn out ... and am certainly not "pretending" otherwise. But all of this doesn't mean that I should be setting my sights on a partner who is already a senior citizen.

      Delete
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