Wednesday, April 3, 2013

D.I V.O.R.C.E.

I had planned to just post this video and let it speak for for itself.  But when I watched Tammy singing this country classic, most unexpectedly, I started to cry.  It sounds ridiculous and embarrassing to admit but there it is. 

It's early morning and I should be hauling my sorry ass out of bed and waking my son up so we're not late for school. Instead I'm cuddled here with our dogs, sobbing like some foolish schoolgirl.

One month ago, our 'desktop divorce' was granted.  The judge signed the decree in his office without any lawyers present rather than in open court.  After a 30 day waiting period, our final divorce certificate became final yesterday.

I thought of the incredible gay journey which I've been on:
  • 45 years spent living in the deepest denial about being gay
  • being miserable in a loveless, sexless marriage .... at least for the last 10 years of it.
  • that horrible moment when my wife discovered gay porn on my laptop, 3.5 years ago, which I've never blogged about.
  • coming out to my kids and parents
  • having suicidal thoughts (brief ones, which I've never blogged about.)
  • receiving incredible support from everyone including my ex-mother-in-law
  • losing my gay virginity
  • enduring years and years of hatred, bitterness and frankly, crazy behaviour from my wife
  • coping with health problems; a serious spinal problem and an on-going prostate cancer scare
  • negotiating our divorce settlement
  • having sweet encounters with dozens and dozens of fantastic men.
  • steadily increasing my sexual skills and self-confidence as a lover of men.
And yet here I am ... I survived!  I'm living in a spectacular setting with my kids (with me most of the time) in a beautiful home, working at a job which I absolutely love, meeting my financial obligations and spending sweet time with as many sexy, interesting men as I could possibly want.   I'm as happy as a pig in shit!!   :-)

I'd like to thank everyone for reading this blog and for the hundreds of supportive comments and e-mails.  It would have been a desperately lonely, frightening journey without you. 

Of course, I cannot post without at least one picture of a sexy guy.   The Handsome Blowjob Guy is coming over again tonight and I'm looking forward to it enormously.  And yes, he looks EXACTLY like this guy (but with less defined abs.)   As well, he's smart, charismatic, very nice and deeply appreciative of my skills.   Sweet!!

28 comments:

  1. Congratulations, you are not just surviving, you are thriving. I understand the pain, but you have to go through it to get to the next stage. Thanks for sharing your joy and your pain.

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  2. Hey Buddy Bear. I remember sobbing when my divorce became final 16 years ago. It was such an avalanch of feelings and emotions. Happiness, relief, and gut wrenching sadness all at the same time! (my ex-wife is a great lady). It's part of the journey and I'm very happy for you that this part is done. Enjoy your new life!

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    1. Thanks for sharing your "sobbing" story too! I had't anticipated how I would feel when my divorce became final but you articulated WHY it happened so well..

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  3. Congratulations! And you never know... they may be another wedding for you some day (guys named "Gay Groom" have to point that out :). Now on to the next adventure...

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    1. Yes, thank you Jeffrey! I'm thinking / hoping that within the next eight (!) years or so, I'll be in a position to get married again. I'm hoping to follow you as a role model!

      But I won't rush into anything, that's for sure. Once bitten, twice shy!

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  4. Those are probably tears of sadness, relief and joy! Thanks for sharing, enjoying your journey.

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  5. What great thoughts. We don't know where life will lead us, but you sound like you continue to focus on the positive, and forward to better.

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  6. What an amazing journey you have been on, especially in the most recent past and one can only congratulate you and compliment you on your fortitude and perseverance and positive state of mind.

    You're mostly happy and long may your happiness continue.

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  7. Chin up......what ELSE could go wrong?

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  8. you are mourning what once was; nothing wrong with that.

    now you turn a different page in your lifebook; a fresh sheet of paper. what will you write on it? what adventures will you have?

    congratulations on the finalization, buddybear. it's been a long difficult frustrating expensive journey for you and your kids. time to lift up your head and shout I'M FREE!

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    1. Thanks, sweetie, and you've been supporting me the whole way. Yes, I am mourning what was a very exciting love affair and early several (maybe five) years of marriage when we set up our household and filled it with babies. The "Golden Years."

      As to the expense of our marriage, dividing up our assets and selling / buying real estate WAS costly. But our divorce lawyers' fees were in fact as low as any couple could possibly achieve.

      This is due to the fact that my wife and I (and in particular, my wife) were sensible and determined not to squander our family assets on a six-figure divorce.

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  9. Look to the future! You have survived a very rough and difficult period of your life! Congratulations on that. Live now in the present and look to the future! Hugz, Patrick

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  10. Totally awesome! This is great to hear. Loving it!

    Peace <3
    Jay

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  11. Welcome to the new chapter of your life. I enjoy reading about your journey and adventures.

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  12. Thank you, all, for your support and good wishes! **hugs**

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  13. Congratulations -- you've made it! If I were there, I'd hug you and take you out to dinner to celebrate.

    Now, as to that guy lying out next to his pool, is that an outrageously hot and gifted man, or what? Thanks for giving him to us all.

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  14. Interesting blog. I've been on a similar journey, and ironically, I used to know Tammy Wynette. Partied with her and the second George many times til she died. Then I decided maybe "it" was a choice and I got married to a woman. We adopted 2 infants and I adopted her 9 year old. After 9 and a half years of marriage it was obvious it was not a choice and that I was gay. In the middle of our divorce, she died. So I have raised my three children as a single dad. The youngest two just turned 18 so I am entering a very exciting new phase. Single, gay, and free.

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    1. Thank you for sharing a bit of your interesting, similar journey! Single, gay and free! That's us!!

      And you knew Tammy and George? Wow!! Very exciting!! I've always loved her voice (and story)..."Stand By Your Man" always sends chills down my spine, especially the clips of her singing it as a young woman.

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  15. that is indeed a marvelous journey. and it was only the first steps - the real journey begins.

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    1. Yes, Dr. Spo. I know you're right about me just starting "the real journey." It's an exciting thought and a bit scary.

      It's been extremely easy for me to find sexy, exciting men to share my bed with. But it may be much more difficult to find something a special, compatible man for something more meaningful!

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  16. Congratulations, Buddy Bear! It's been an interesting journey for us watching via your blog. Your attitude and optimism are enviable. Now, onward! Life begins again.

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    1. Thank you! I'm hoping to find myself in a LTR (after the passage of some years) and it is guys like you and your husband who provide inspirational role models for me.

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  17. Congratulations, Buddy Bear! Now you can feel free and enjoy life!!
    Wish you all the best on your journey and many, many hot sexy men!!!
    Greetings from Europe
    Marcel

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  18. I was so pleased to open laptop and read this today! Mine is taking longer and I hate to say it, but I may feel the same way.
    When I first read this, I thought it was your swan song. Thank goodness it isn't.

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  19. Congratulations! You've earned it and you and your family are all the better for it! Now that you are completely free, "MEN OF THE WORLD (especially 22 year olds) LOOK OUT!"

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  20. Congrats! You are further proof that one can survive divorce - and do it quite nicely, coming out the other end relatively unscathed. Plus, if you've got a man that looks like THAT, you've really hit the jackpot!

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  21. Wow! When I first started reading this blog, I was always curious but wary to hear what your next update would be, and all I could think was, God, this process seems never-ending and full of minute steps, and there was always that fear that the next step would drive your ex-wife over the edge and be the one where things really fell apart. And now suddenly it seemed like it finished so fast! I'm very happy for you to be beginning your next stage of life, man. And when you cry like that, it's because you went through something absolutely real, something that really mattered to you; it means that the loss was something worth having once. So if you ever find yourself sitting in traffic or a quiet room or some song comes on and you feel that again, take it as a badge of pride. It was real, and your life is that much richer that you have something to feel so strongly about.

    Awesome news. Onward, big guy!

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  22. Good for you and many happy years ahead for you.
    I love how Tammy sings as if her teeth are clinched. Classic!

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