Sunday, April 21, 2013

Warmth and helpfulness from my ex-wife

Today's pics from  have nothing to do with the content of this post.  I was just in the mood to look at some hot men in Speedos.

In the 3.5 years since I came out to my ex-wife, I've experienced some pretty erratic behaviour from her:   much screaming, slamming-down of the phone, bitterness and obstructionist behaviour at every turn.  Some of her behaviour was just plain crazy*;  wishing I was dead, throwing furniture and threatening to burn down my house with gasoline.

*my wife's sister and late father were diagnosed with serious psychiatric problems so it runs in her family, I think.

It was my inclination to "hold the course" because my wife was basically a good person and would reverse her unreasonable demands after a few days.   Through it all, I enjoyed .... rather, earned .... enormous support from my wife's entire family, our three children and all her friends. 

I don't think my ex-wife fully understood how precarious her position was.  Had our divorce become adversarial, I'm sure that she would have been destroyed, financially as well as emotionally, and would have had little support from anyone.  But I would have been ruined financially as well.

As our divorce proceeded, our exchanges steadily improved as her hatred faded but there still was no warmth in her texts and e-mails.   Emotions were still too raw for us to talk on the phone let alone face-to-face since her hurt and bitterness would instantly resurface.

But since our divorce became finalized three weeks ago, there's been an unbelievable shift in our communications. We now talk on the phone several times a week and she's warm, friendly, cooperative, helpful and polite.... it's all "please" and "thank you."

We're very busy completing the final requirements of our divorce agreement such as dividing up our cell phone family plan for the five of us and finalizing our "reciprocal wills agreement."   But my wife's biggest task is to prepare both of our income tax returns for the past four years. This requires much cooperation and exchanging of financial information; receipts, income information and such.  (Yes, we haven't filed since 2008!  Yikes!!   But it's nothing to worry about....more on that later)
During our recent spring blizzard, my wife phoned at 8:00 am to urge me to NOT drive into work.  "I'd worry about you getting to an accident."   And later, "I care about you."  

It was a bit of an awkward conversation because I intended to drive into work come hell or high water.  She wanted to phone the Superintendent of Education (her friend) to convince him not to dock my day's pay; an offer which I declined.

In the end, she extracted a promise from me not to set out for work until the highways had been plowed and sanded even if I arrived an hour or two late and to text her when I arrived safely.  I followed her advice on both counts.

Throughout the drama of the past three years, our best friends have been predicting that my wife and I would end up "best friends" after our divorce.   I never would have believed it in a million year, but now I'm thinking that they might be right. 

It will make it so much less awkward when we run into each other at the kids' future events such as music recitals, graduations and even weddings.  :-)


  1. This is an interesting post. A year or so ago, a good friend confessed to me that he'd be cheating on his (female) partner of 21 years, with whom they had 2 fine children, and for all appearances, a wonderful, married life (won't get into why they weren't married, but they might as well have been). She made him move out, and they set about divvying up 21 years of assets, deciding how to pay for the children's education (one in unio, one going next year), etc. etc. etc.

    He went through his "slut phase", hooking up with women all over the place. He found and apartment. Then something happened. She couldn't let him alone. She was friendly, and nice, and for whatever reasons, couldn't let him alone. Now he's moved back home, and everything is great (or so it seems). I don't know what to make of it. But I'm glad both you and Mike are doing so well with your spouses. It certainly makes it better for all the others involved to avoid the acrimony and divisiveness that can result from situations like these! Good for both of you! I'm sure you're a lot happier because she is being civil.

    Peace <3

    1. Thank you, Jay! Yes, it's a lot easier on everyone, especially the kids. Now that my wife is no longer consumed with bitterness, she's treating the kids a lot better these days as well.

      We all will attend a symphony concert this week (my oldest is a performer) and while we will not sit together, it will be much less stressfull seeing her there.

  2. Nice, very nice; you deserve this, particularly given your steadfast moderation throughout the entire process. Bravo!

    1. Thank you! Both my wife and I have received much praise and admiration from everyone we know as to how we've conducted ourselves, without becoming all 'lawyered' up and adversarial. It's a rarity, I'm afraid!

      My wife deserves a lot of credit for having the trust to negotiate our settlement with only minimal involvement from lawyers. And I think I did the right thing by not over-reacting to some of her crazy behaviour.

  3. I wish you the best my friend. My Ex-wife and I were friends growing up and into college. She knew of my interest in men and yet continued to flirt and make other romantic gestures. As I attempted to "pray the gay away" she stood by me. We dated and ended up marrying and having four children together. I cheated on her with men in a number of instances. Usually, when I would get caught I would make promises and life would resume course. But, over the last five years of our marriage it was more like I had a probation officer. Once I informed her that I was moving out and we begun divorce preceedings; I thought for sure that we would return to the friendship that was a foundation of our relationship.
    After four years, it hasn't. In fact, she grows more resentful and vindictive. I have found myself once again engaging the services of a lawyer to fight off her desire for a larger piece of my income.

    Again, I wish you the best.

    1. Thank you for your moving comment and for providing all that background information. Wow! It certainly is not fair to you since she knowingly pursued a man who had an interest in men.

      Carrying that bitterness around for so many years clearly is not healthy for your ex and does not bode well for her future happiness. But I'm sure that she doesn't think in those terms.

      Maybe it's social pressure from others (such as her red-neck family and the church) which is keeping her wound so raw. In those circles, there must be a considerable amount of public embarassment and even humiliation to have your husband "go gay" and then leave you.

      The ex-fiance (male) of the guy I was dating lived a very similar experience. His wife's resentful and vinctive behaviour only stopped when she got married again to some great guy. She was no longer alone (although she had their three kids with them) and was getting some regular sex.

      Maybe if your wife finds another man, her bitterness will start to mellow. I hope this happens for your sake....

  4. Interesting entry, glad that you guys ended up being friends after the divorce.

  5. Buddy Bear,
    I have to comment on this post. My ex has been a real bitch for the 3+ years since I moved out, and suddenly, in the last few weeks, she has been as nice as could be. I still don't trust her, and probably never will because of the dirty shit she did...most of which involved the kids. I may pretend to forgive, but I can never forget what she did.

    What irks me the most is that now she says that we should try to get along 'for the kids'...something I have been trying to do for 3+ years. Now, I think they all see through her bullshit, and I think recognize her for the leach that she has been. Yes, it is satisfying that they see this now, but I estimate that her BS has cost us about $150,000 over the last 3 that could have gone to their college. And that's what bothers me the most. They are left having to fend for themselves more than they should because of her stupidity. (3 of the 4 are college age or older)

    Anyway, I am happy that your ex has started to wise up. Wishing you the best.

  6. Thank you for commenting! Yes, I agree with everything you said; $150,000 one huge pile of money!!

    I am fortunate that my wife was very sensible and frugal despite her bitterness towards me. She did not get "lawyered up". Our lawyer's bills totalled less than $6,000 for the both of us together.


Please tell me what you're thinking!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...