Wednesday, January 25, 2012

To Cum or not to Cum

All pics from 
After our amazing coffee date, we have had three fantastic, lengthy intimate encounters.  These occurred in my home in the marital bed! (I still need to get my head around that one.)

The intimacy was incredible, both physical and emotional.  He is a bit older and more experienced, gentle, understanding, considerate, funny, charismatic, sexy as hell and has the libido of a man twenty-five years younger.  

He says I'm am amazing kisser and he certainly is as well!   He says I give the most amazing blowjobs .... fantastic ones!  (and just between us girls, I have to agree.  Damn, I'm good!!)   So what's the problem in this shangri-la of gay sex?   I haven't been able to cum while having sex with a man.  Not ever.

To put this in context, it is important that I describe my sexual history.  It would normally be embarrassing to reveal all these details, but, what the hell,  only two of my readers have ever met me  (Hello Cubby and Greg!), so here it goes....

I was an extreme late bloomer sexually;  I masturbated for the first time at 23 and lost my virginity to my future wife at 28, a few months before we married.  During the first year of marriage, my wife had sex 7 - 9 times per week and I loved it!.... absolutely wallowed in it.  This gradually dwindled down to no sex at all, due to the stress and exhaustion of having three children under the age of four.  The biggest reason for our sexless marriage was my emerging attraction to men although I didn't recognize it at the time.

However,  I've never had problems cumming with my wife or by myself during all those sexless years which followed.    My problem is:   I haven't figured out how to cum during man-sex.

During my previous two encounters with men, both attempted blowjobs but I didn't cum either time.  These would have been the first blowjobs I'd ever received, as my wife refused to attempt one.

This was understandable;  as a 48 year old gay virgin, I was exceedingly nervous with Hottie Nurse.  In any event, his blowjob technique would never have worked on me.  (a lollipop lick here, a cock head nibble there,  a tongue flick over my ball, all separated by long pauses.)

My second BJ encounter with Stoner  Dude, in a apartment reeking of cat pee, lasted all of 30 seconds.  His technique of gnawing on my cock head caused me to shout out in pain and sent my legs into spasms.

In one of our three encounters this week,  attention was paid to my cock head during the blowjob which became irritated and painful. When I wank off, I usually don't touch the cock head at all.  In the next encounter, my cock just became desensitized after several hours of heavy petting.  In both cases, I was nowhere near to cumming.

All the turmoil which going on in my mind is clearly not helping.  These include  an extremely serious crisis involving my wife (but having nothing to do with me), job demands, my medical concerns, financial worries, the on-going stress of constantly "showing" the house to sell and the newness of engaging in man-sex.

Throughout, my friend has has been kind, helpful and open to communication.    We decided that near the start of our next encounter, I should just wank off in my usual, no-fail manner, with him watching and assisting if possible.  Just before the very end, he might even take me into his mouth.    I'm hoping that this 'cumming success' will help me over this hurdle.

I described my problem while online chatting with a mid 40s guy staying at a local hotel.    He offered this comforting comment:
"I am familiar with not being able to come. I find that a challenge sometimes, but primarily with someone new.  I need to feel safe and comfortable with someone and sometimes that just doesn't happen up front ... especially if I hold off coming too soon and the "urgency" is gone. Anyway, I expect with all the things you have going on in your life that it's your head not letting you cum, not your privates. Things will settle for you and return to normal - stay positive."


  1. Buddy, I have to agree with the advice given. Relax and when it happens, it happens. I'm older than you are and it took me until recently to learn that sex can be enjoyable without cumming. Funny thing, women have always known this and I finally learned it from a guy! Don't get me wrong, it is great with cumming, but as I age, I find that if that was all I liked, I wouldn't be having as much sex as I wanted.
    I can imagine the thoughts going through your head about how much to share. Thank you for sharing you never know who out here is going to benefit from it.

  2. As long as both of you feel everything is going well, and you keep and open dialogue, you should be fine. Just let it happen when it happens. Don't add pressure on yourself. Don't worry so much about the one component that isn't going the way you want it to. Stay focused on the great stuff. You probably still have lots to unlearn and even more to figure out. That's normal sexual awakening. Try different things together and see where it all takes you.

    Love the cuddling pics!

  3. You are not alone in having issues with cuming - and your list of all the things on your mind and your clear self consciousness about this new experience explains it a lot. I have had remarkably similar experiences in my new round of forays into gay sex - it took several dates and the guy with the right touch to finally bring me to an astounding orgasm...and once I reached that, I knew what I had been missing for those many years of no sex with my wife - due to very similar reasons as you.

    I had this slow start up even though when I was in my mid 20's to 30's I openly explored sex with men and had a year long lover relationship with both a man and a woman, openly.

    But I found even back then, I did not always cum with every guy I had sex with. Some of us men are just not instantly aroused and quick to blow our load - the porn stuff makes it seem like every guy is wired to blast within 8-10 minutes, but that is just not true for everyone.

    You seem to have found an affectionate, sexy, patient, attentive man to make love to you. You are a guy, like me, that has a hard time just letting go and living in the sensuous moment - and you have perfected masturbation and been doing that for a long time with no other human sexual contact - so you are having to rediscover how to give the signals and words to your love making partner on what really gets you off.

    The more you take the pressure off yourself to cum, the more likely it will eventually happen.
    I am with a fantastic guy now with whom it took a couple of months for me to finally come, and it was one of the most memorable experiences of my life! And being passionate with him but not coming, has trumped orgasms I have had with others...sadly my orgasmic memory with my wife has faded badly, but I can only compare those first few years of marriage on the best nights, to what I have now with a man --- and I still only cum about once every two or three dates.

    Don't pressure yourself, and let this fine guy who clearly is totally into you and your body do his magic--and savor the passion without focusing on the orgasm. It will happen in due time!!

  4. Oh Buddy. Reminds me of my first CL hookup. The blow job felt so good and I was so excited and I was trembling and on the edge of cumming, but I just could not crest! I kept thinking to myself, "how is it that I'm not squirting all over the place?!?!?!!!"

    Sometimes our bodies betray us. I'm actually relieved to hear you have the same problem. Makes me think I'm not alone.

  5. Buddy,I dont have the age nor experience to comment about this but I felt it is performance anxiety (i used to be in the choir and many plays..though its not same)..The way you describe about this man ,shows that you both enjoy and value each other's company...the next time you're with him probably dont think about it and just go for it... I seriously hope you can overcome it as I felt it is seldom to find a guy that understands and patience ,especially when it comes for hooking up..your both lucky :).....James

  6. Buddy,sorry if you find my previous comment offensive as I myself have zero experience..all the best Buddy!!-James

  7. Quite normal problem. You list all the suspects and I agree with most of the advice.

    One thing not mentioned is the advice women are told when they can't cum: speak up! Tell or show your partner what you like. Like woman, every man has his own buttons. As you said, you don't typically rub the head. So tell your lover (in a very gentle manner) to go real easy on the head. A good lover will be understanding and grateful for the information. A good lover cares about making their partner feel good, so show them what you like. I think if you show your new fiend your style and talk to him, things will go great. You may consider letting him lick your balls or whatever you like as you stroke yourself.

    Finally, you do need to relax and be in the moment.

  8. Wow Buddy. I'm sorry but all I keep thinking is: "He didn't masterbate until he was 23? HOW!?!?" Lol...sorry man. Seriously though I bet you get over this issue in due time, it sounds like you have a really great guy!

  9. Interesting to see that your honesty has opened up the floodgates (so to speak) and it appears that this has happened to others (myself included). I am pleased that you have someone who is willing to listen, watch and help you work through this. Everyone is not so fortunate.

  10. So I am totally not a guy, nor am I gay but I do however completely agree with WillBeBi. Let your partner know what you like in a gentle manner. i think your plan of self masturbation with him helping will definately make a difference.

    I know that orgasming for a women can be difficult if we think too much about it, we are more apt to orgasm if we get caught up in the moment of the passion and intimacy. I also agree with the other commentors. Clear your mind, don't try to orgasm but enjoy yourself.

    Between us girls any tips on giving great blow jobs? Advice is highly needed and appreciated.

    1. AWILTAGM: Thank you for your great advice! As an aside, when I used to go down on my wife (my favourite thing to do), I was the master at it. I felt like a virtuoso violinist and we`d practically have to peel her off the ceiling when I was done. Amazing!!

      I hope to be as skilled at giving blow jobs. I think I`ll devote a post to that topic soon and ask for reader input as well.

  11. After reading this I'm thinking you might do better if you considered taking a more active role in the blowjob. Sitting or laying back and receiving a blowjob is very passive, and you are left to the mercy of their technique. Perhaps if you were more active, like standing up and holding his head with both hands, this might help you get there. Also, be sure to give plenty of cues/feedback so he knows when what he is doing is particularly good.

  12. The first several times I had sex (with a woman in this case), I never came. I agree with the anonymous poster that it may be a bit of performance anxiety. Don't worry, once you get comfortable with it, you'll be a two-pump chump in no time. ;)

  13. I can only suggest you not focus on the destination and enjoy the journey: I have had some amazing sexual experiences that did not end in orgasm. The more you "try" to cum , the harder it may get. Let go of the goal to cum and just enjoy your partner: his touch, his taste, his smell. Enjoy your physical contact, enjoy the sensations of being touched and lose yourself in the experience without worrying where it will or won't go. Don't focus just on the dick - his or yours. You have amazingly sensitive spots all over. Your face, your ears, your neck, you pits, your nips, your sides, your thighs, your ass, your feet, your hands...your whole body is and can be an erogenous zone. Sex is not just the orgasm.If that was the end all be all, we could jerk off and never have sexual partners. It is fantastic that you have a found a partner who is understanding, patient and willing to work with you. Communicate, assist, relax and be patient. Explore talking during sex, active and passive roles and combining oral sex with other things that turn you on. Find the spots that arouse you when they're touched and licked and caress those spots while he goes down on you. 69. watch what he's doing. Touch his body. It's all good Buddy. Just give your self permission to learn and to enjoy sex without orgasming and I'm sure you will eventually learn to enjoy explosive orgasms with another man before long.

  14. Plenty of good comments.
    I separated from my wife over 5 years ago, but I haven't come out. I suspect most know, and won't ask, they're too scared of the answer. I have a special needs daughter in my care most of the time, so not much of a sex life. Our stories seem to very simliar, so some observations.
    1st - Penile function is a good indication of overall health, that is to say, if you're having some difficulties, go get a physical.
    2nd - This is not a surprising event as you get older. The penis actually does become less sensitive as you age.
    3rd - As you age sex happens as much in the big head as it does in the little head. I figure from the puberty to the age of 30, most guys could have sex with just about any hole.

    Although I knew I was gay, I married. I believed that I could be straight, but realized too late that my orientation was not a choice. I turned off my "gay" side, did my best not to look a guys, I was determined not too. Also, I had a varicocele repair done on my left testicle about 10 years ago, resulting in a cyst and some nerve damage. Add the anxieties of starting life over at 48, as a previously closeted gay man.

    I've never been one to climax quickly, but I knew it was taking me longer with a partner than on my own. It sometimes took so long I could no longer maintain an erection - and that can sure cause some anxiety.

    So I started addressing some things and doing some research. I quit smoking, got back in shape, cycling, running, weights, yoga, keigels (a definite must regardless of age). I worked on getting better nutrition through my diet. I reduced my coffee (caffeine) and increased my green tea and water. The cyst became apparent when it became infected, eventually removed, the nerve damage seem to disappear shorty after.

    I've accepted that sex is not as abundant, but quality beat quantity for me. With a clear mind, and conscience nature now takes its course.

    The British, (god bless their souls, their frankness and well for them being them), put out a documentary "Better Gay Sex". I recommend it.

  15. I second! Just get carried away with the foreplay and the rest will follow. I'm very partial to making out and with an intense kissing session am ready to cum in any orifice in sight. You will find out what works for you.

    And I'm wondering what folks say about masturbation. I had never been a big fan, so maybe that helped when I started messing around with guys. I made sure I came in every encounter - to me that was the point, after all. Sort of like Explorer Jack, I guess. Now, in a relationship, it is more fluid and relaxed. Usually we both cum (lots of fluid for sure), but sometimes only one of us.

    Of course with your positive outlook, BB, you will overcome. Enjoy!

  16. I am not surprised to see all the comments!
    Most people when they first have sex it is a frightful mess and mostly disappointments. You need practice and enjoy what happens, eventually your inexperience and inner hang ups will dissipate and this common problem will go away.
    Don't worry about now.

  17. I am just amazed at the love and caring that's contained in these comments. You are a very lucky man to have this kind of support. I am very fortunate to know a couple of these men and am aware of what great people they are.

    I would like to add one possible activity during sex that might work; it would depend completely on your boy friend's willingness to do it, but it seems he's a gem and would probably help you in any way he could. While he's blowing you, ask him to lube a finger, slide it into your ass and massage your prostate. I have a friend who was having this same problem, and the build up of semen and the frustration of not being able to orgasm was physically painful. He went to his doctor who put on a glove, lubed up and within a minute my friend was gushing.

    Prostate massage (as opposed to just being pounded during anal sex) is one of the loveliest things one man can do for another, either with a penis or one to three fingers. It's extremely intimate, both relaxing and stimulating, feels fantastic and can produce a terrific orgasm.

    Of course, being pounded during anal sex is pretty good, too! I wish you the best and am sure this problem will pass.

  18. Everything you said is completely valid. BUT STOP OVER THINKING IT.

    I think everyone - male/female, gay/straight/bi - have expectations that their first sexual experience should be like when Bobby Brady kissed Millisent (SP?) and saw fireworks but that's not usually the case. Here are some things to consider:
    1. Men who cum by bj's only are the exception not the rule and usually it involves a lot of jerking and as Will suggests, some anal play.
    2. You may be a gay virgin but you've been having sex for over 25 years.
    3. You're not a teenager or some aging hollywood sex symbol on viagra. Hello Jack, Harrison, Michael.
    4. If you're still masturbating, STOP! Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder and the dick harder.
    5. Have you ever cum while being blown? For many, bj's are foreplay to fucking.
    6. Have you rimmed or been rimmed yet (with a man)? If your oral skills are as good as you claim ;0 then treat your man or let him treat you.

    You're on the right path but can't force things. Your hopes/dreams/fantasies/expectations will be fulfilled, probably when you least expect it.

  19. Hi,
    I had a problem with cumming once that actually got to be quite frustrating for me. The effort would get painful because of friction after long amounts of time. I eventually found that this was a significant side effect of the antidepressant I was on at the time.
    The SSRIs Prozac, Celexa and so on all do this. It completely went away when I went to my physician and switched to Wellbutrin.


  20. I never had any problems ejaculating with other guy...We both had a very close relationship in the world of nudity.....And our cum was a gift of love to each other......However there was time that I had three new fellows in my life...All was well in the world of nudity....My Dad told me to be `Very careful`` so I did.... Nudity was still in... Cuddling was was in too...But I stay limp...Years later..... After my folks passed... I learned they where out to bleed me.....and others too.....and I don't see them around any more....

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