Friday, January 27, 2012


Before anyone gets worried, it's not me who's HIV+.   But first, here are some pics from wooflicious  in support of Sean's Dogably Pawfect Saturday.

Thank you, all, for the fantastic advice and support I received on my previous post about not cumming .... your concern is overwhelming!  I will take all the excellent advice to heart.   It was a hard post to write  but I felt I had to be honest about the problems with my mid-aged gay adventure and not just write about the fun stuff.

In the meantime, I had another coffee date and continue to be messaged on mainly by guys in their mid-to-late 20s.  Some of them have messaged me multiple times.

I've received much advice on online hookups and consensus seems to be: "Don't be over-eager in your responses to these online propositions."  You'll come across as needy and be dropped as quickly as a hot potato.  So... I'm being really disciplined and wait for them to message me and then only responding after a day or two.

I've now received a couple of messages from yet another a 25 year old "looking for a woman" but wanting to hook up with me.   He looks like a major hottie, 6'-2", 185 pounds, athletic build with some university.   Now when he says, "Do you want to hook up?",  I responded, "Well, I might."   **yawn**.  Note:  I didn't actually type 'yawn' but I put that in for your benefit, to convey the lack of interest I was trying to put across.

I also added that if he wanted us to do anything, he'd need to message me with a time and place for us to meet to discuss things face-to-face.  So far, he hasn't moved onto phase B.

Another attractive 29-year-old guy (self-described as a cub) also messaged me thinking that I was a "bear."  I send him a "Thanks, but no thanks" response and a self-pic to show him I wasn't a bear.    He liked my pic and now wants to meet me for a beer to talk about hooking up, but with no specific time suggested.  

While it is flattering to be messaged by these twenty-something guys, some older online friends have found out that some of these younger guys are escorts (or former escorts) who will, at some stage, ask for money.  This hasn't yet happened to me yet but has happened to them.

This week, I chatted online a bit with a 46-year-old guy;  very polite, well-travelled, educated and intelligent.  At our coffee date last night, he seemed very fit (he goes to the gym, a lot) but was not particularly handsome.  I forgot about that very quickly as we had a most interesting conversation.   He  moved away from our small town to get a bachelor's and master's degree.  His career took him to a couple of major cities but moved back home to care for his ailing parents, he said.   He certainly had possibilities as a hook-up.

Then, he told me that he was HIV+, having contracted it in 1989 at the age of 24.   Wow!   I apologized for being a coward or ill-informed, but I told him that I just wouldn't be intimate with someone who was HIV+.  I just couldn't imagine being that into someone, to want to take that risk.

He was enormously discouraged (and I think, a bit depressed) and but said that I wasn't unusual.  There was no one in town who would consider having sex with him.   He had a major discussion with me about safe sex to ensure I was practicing it correctly, all the time.  He stressed the "safe sex" point over and over and also said that although he makes full disclosure, there are HIV+ guys in town who do not.  A sobering thought!

Although he said his health was perfect, he wouldn't wish his situation on anyone.

In the end, we agreed that it might be nice to pursue a platonic friendship.  He has no friends in town and I only have a few;  certainly no gay ones.   Given my busy schedule with work and the kids, I said that I might be available for a couple of times a month.  We said we could do things like go to the gym together  ($2:00 night on Thursdays!), have coffee, go skiing or see a movie.

To that end, I invited him to an "international film festival" being held next Sunday evening which he accepted.   Another unexpected turn on my gay journey...


  1. Sorry, that last paragraph should say "your brutal honesty here" not "hear" uggh.

  2. Hey, Sean, your first comment wasn't received here. Maybe a problem with Blogger?

  3. I'm glad you've found a potential friend. I hope it works out because, even if he needs a friend more then you do right now, I think it can be very satisfying for both of you. Good luck with it.

  4. It is always a good thing to remain open to expanding your circle of friends.

  5. A very sobering post. I feel for your new friend. Bill & I have a friend too that is an HIV survivor (25 years). When we first met him, we were pretty sure he was testing us to see how pozphobic we were (like shaking hands, etc). Sex between us is never a question because he's married and even if he "fooled around on the side", we don't.

    I'm glad you'll carry on a friendship with him. Life in a small town can be lonely enough for a gay dude but it must be much worse for a poz dude.

  6. I'm glad he told of his status, and was honest with you. I'm also happy for you that you have made a new friend. HIV is very serious. The easiest way to contract HIV is through anal sex, because the anal walls are so thin tearing often occurs allowing the virus easier access to your body. You can get HIV from giving blowjobs if it's not wrapped up. Most guys aren't going to wrap it up for a blowjob, so protect yourself by not flossing or eating foods that will tear up your mouth at least 1 day before giving a blowjob. Of course to be safer your supposed to stay away from pre-cum and taking loads into your mouth. The safest way to prevent the transmittion of HIV is mutal masturbation, staying away from cum.

    My reccomendations. Wrap it up and the safest way get tested before you start a sexual relationship. I hope you all stay safe, your health is very important. Good luck and have fun!!!!!

  7. Every time you have sex with someone you don't know, you have to have sex as if the person may be HIV+ or have an STD, and not know it or may not be telling you, (relying on the honesty of strangers is a risky thing);so, yes, be very informed and make conscious decisions and know what risks you are taking and willing to take. Without spending a lot of time getting to know someone and feeling safe and developing trust, you have to be smart about what you do and with whom as best you can. Do what you want, but understand the level of exposure and risk and make an informed decision on what you will and won't do and with whom. (which also means you have a responsibility to be as up to date and are aware of your current health status too.)

    Many people are afraid of having sex with someone who is HIV positive. I think, in time, as you educate yourself, you will understand that you can lower your risk by the sexual activity you engage in, precautions you can take, and have very enjoyable safe sex with men who are HIV+. People have diseases, Buddy. And that can scare some people off. But I would hate to think you would miss a chance to meet an incredible man solely because you had misgivings about sex with a person who has HIV. I think you should spend time with this guy. He seems honest and sincere and willing to spend time with you despite your current stance on sex with him. He could turn out to be a great friend, teach you a lot about HIV (ask him questions and show your desire to learn about it and understand the disease) and who knows, you may reach a point where HIV is not the deal breaker you feel it is now. I'm not telling you what to do or suggesting you're wrong, I'm merely pointing out that many men are in sero-discordant relationships, or are HIV positive and have very full and healthy sexual lives without transmitting the disease. In the interest of honesty, I am not HIV-, nor is my husband, but I once had the fears you did and I have since educated myself and left those fears behind.

    As always, your brutal honesty here about your journey is inspiring. You have shared so much personal information and are probably helping far more people than you know in their similar journeys, as well as reminding many of us of the trials and tribulations we went through coming out and learning about ourselves as gay men. Thank you for that.

  8. Greg's been infected for about 22 years and he didn't pass the virus to me in our 19 years together. Condoms work.

    Greg is adverse to revealing his HIV status in internet chat rooms because in the past when he's done so people suddenly refuse to chat with him. It's one thing to refuse to have sex with an HIV+ man, but to not even chat? It breaks Greg's heart, so now he just keeps it a secret. I'm glad you are forming a friendship with the guy you wrote about and not 'disposing' of him the way the guys on the internet did with Greg. I hope you and he become very good friends.

    You will find lots of men out seeking sex who are poz and not forthcoming. It is up to you to ALWAYS assume they are poz and act accordingly (wrap it up). If they refuse to have sex with a condom, then you'll need to make an on-the-spot decision (while your mind is clouded with horniness) that could have life-altering consequences, so think about it ahead of time.

    1. To my chagrin, I'd forgotten about Greg's HIV status and how long you two guys have been together. I apologize for that; I'm deeply embarrassed.

  9. Sean and Cubby are amazing. Very good things they're saying. I've not had many friends who are HIV+, just a few. But people are people whether they have HIV or cancer, or are just entering their gay adolescence, and they need friendship and support, whether or not it leads to sex. And if it leads to sex, it's a mutual and supportive thing.

    It's very interesting to read your accounts. I "married" young and haven't had much experience in the gay dating scene, especially these days with all the internet connection possibilities. I could hardly imagine what I would have done with all that back when I was younger!

  10. As a person who has lived with HIV for over 25 years, I am amazed by the rejection that I receive from other gay men. Ironically I now find more acceptance and support amongst heterosexual men than my so called peers.
    BTW. Who is this wonderful man who was so honest and forthright about his health status? Please send him my way because I would be honoured to meet such a person.

  11. Sobering post, indeed. I guess I was just lucky over those 3 years when I was having unprotected sex (some anal but mostly blow jobs) with scores of guys. They always would reply they were DDF and many were married like me, but I guess some could have been lying or didn't know they were HIV+.

  12. Thanks for the wonderful comments, concern, safe sex education and great advice, everyone!

    I do hope to be a platonic friend with the guy I described in the post. We have our first "date" tomorrow evening.

    To be honest, I don't really want to have sex with him, but not necessarily because of the HIV+ stuff. My other 'special friend' and I have such a strong emotional connection and are together often enough; I'm not really looking for sex with other guys right now.

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