But most unusually, I have not hooked up with a guy in the two months since I've returned from the DC Bloggerpalooza and it would be hard to explain why. Here are several reasons:
1. Lack of time: I've been working non-stop on both my teaching job and on my house renovation. Winter is fast approaching and it will be very chilly here indeed if I don't get the job done. And, I'm exhausted!
2. Although I've met many fantastic men on squirt.org, I became tired of being constantly messaged by some pretty fucked-up guys including the many who want to cheat on their wives or girlfriends. As well, I was being badgered by a couple of worrisome 60ish dudes who wouldn't take no for answer. I haven' t logged onto squirt for two months.
3. I now have a very clear idea of the sort of man I want for an LTR: funny, smart, close to my age, attentive, thoughtful, with good family values and most important of all, crazy about me. And suddenly, there were just too many men wanting to hook up who didn't have any of these criteria. All at once, I became less interested in the shallowness of these encounters.
This third young man attended my kids' elementary school ) one year ahead of my oldest daughter (complication #1) and whose father was a past teaching colleague (complication #2.)
I was very pleased that these sweet young men still want to spend more time with me, but I explained to each of them why I wasn't hooking up with anyone for the time being.
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However, Mr. Perfect LTR is nowhere in sight, at least in my town, and despite the shallowness of casual hookups, I think that my craving for cock, sweet kisses and skin-to-skin contact with a warm, sexy man will win out.
I recently set up a POF.com profile with a clear picture of my face and clothed torso, listing my age as 36. (This is to get around POF's ridiculous rule forbidding any messaging with men outside of +/- 14 years of your age.) How else could those poor, horny 22 year-old curious gay virgins contact me?
Having my face pic on this popular site was a very brave step out because it will certainly be seen by gay students (present and former), colleagues and others in the community. This also meant that my profile could not be sexually explicit. It simply said: "I enjoy the company of men of all ages, types, sizes and levels of experience. And, I am 50 not 36."
The face pic did the trick. In the past several days, I've have many POF-chats with six different men, all of whom seem quite eager to meet me, ranging from an extremely persistent 19-year-old gay virgin, a "curious" young man (22) with a girlfriend and an "athletic-build" married man (42) whose wife allows him to have affairs as long as they're with men and not women.
Despite some offers, I haven't yet made myself available to any of these guys but I probably will ..... details to follow.
I understand what you are talking about. After awhile, you want more than the sex. You want someone you can connect with. Someone you can sit and just watch a movie with or talk about the frustration of life with. All the things you once had early on with your spouse. It will happen. I think I may have found that person. And even if I haven't, I have something special with them at the moment that is comforting. Good luck of course. I might suggest that you try hooking up with guys your age more often to see what that particular pool is like. Try seeing if they like the same things as you do. Try going on a "date" that doesn't involve sex. At least not at first. If they have been out awhile, talk to them about that. Maybe use your "real" POF account to meet someone for a relationship. I recently met a guy who was divorced 48 years ago when he accepted being gay. He is 70 and I really felt like I gained some wisdom from him. By the way, Happy Thanksgiving.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice and your Thanksgiving good wishes!
DeleteI find it extremely awkward when I do meet a 40ish or 50ish guy who is seeking a relationship. They are very eager for an LTR (... I might say desperate) while I am only six months out of my divorce.
I think as you connect with guys more your age, you're more likely to find the criteria you're looking for, as most of the traits you desire come with maturity and experience rather than as a young, curious, virginal dude.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! I'm expanding my circle of gay friends on the same quest, and while I haven't used an online service to date or hookup, at least I'm "out there" a lot more now.
Peace <3
Jay
I know there's a maturity issues with most 22 year old men. I am "using" the 22 year old dudes strictly for NSA encounters .... and they've all been uncomplicated, adventurous, spirited. and a lot of fun.
DeleteBut I'm steering clear of guys my age right because I really am not looking for an LTR right now, just 6 months from my divorce. It just gets too complicated they're looking for some one serious and I'm not.
Good luck, big guy! I hope you find what you're looking for soon. Your list is a lot more realistic than a lot of gay dudes'!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I don't have a physical type that I'm looking for: muscles, hair colour etc. .... it's personality and character which will win the day.
DeleteBut having said that, I'd also like a man with a spirit of adventure, a mutual sexual attraction and compatibility and also someone who can join me skiing, hiking and other athletic pursuits. So that would certainly exclude anyone who was 300+ pounds, in my books.
LOL, when I was 300+ pounds a couple of years ago I still skied. Not as vigorous of course. But our point is well taken. Any chance they have a gay ski group in Canada? Or hiking etc? Might be a good starting place. And just like with straight dating, you have to go through a lot of frogs before you find your prince. I don't think there are any good shortcuts. At least in the gay world, you aren't always the one stuck with the food check. LOL
DeleteAnother thing is that I`m not attracted to extremely heavy guys no matter what their personalities are like. There are lots of gay clubs and sports leagues in Canada but none in my smallish town. I wish there were some.
DeleteI think it's awesome that you put up a face picture up on the dating site. When I first came out 2.5 years ago, I was reluctant to post any pictures on any gay related sights, but some new friends told me that people in general are very visual and if you don't have a picture of yourself up, then how in the world would anyone know you're out there to date or identify with. Well it worked for me as I'm in a relationship of 2 years, yikes! There's a social site called meetup.com that you should look into, it's more about meeting people with similar interests than dating, however, there are also meetup groups that are for single people and dating. I am confident that you will meet someone and soon....throw it out there....I know, I sound like a new age crack, but why not just throw it out there and see what the universe gives you. In the mean time, enjoy the sex and meeting new people. Cheers, David
ReplyDeleteYes, it's true that having a face pic on these sites will generate many times more responses than without .... that is, unless you have one eye in the middle of your forehead. lol
DeleteThanks for your good wishes.
indeed; if you are looking for a LTR you may have to start looking in other/new places. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI was just speculating as to what sort of guy I would want as a long term partner. After 20 years of marriage and only six months after my divorce, I think it would be unwise to leap into a relationship at this point.
DeleteI admire your honesty in letting potential mates know you're over 50, rather than 36. You are correct about that rule. It makes no sense. Let the individuals involved decide what is too old, too young for them.
ReplyDeleteMost of us can count and accept the consequences of any such matches.
i completely get hoe you feel.
ReplyDelete