Thursday, March 28, 2013

Dating complication

Last January, I mentioned that I was dating a special guy but wasn't prepared to share any details of a budding relationship.  Last night, this new friendship took a very unexpected turn.

Dating Guy is 47 years old, my height, handsome, very well groomed, in reasonable shape, intelligent, ambitious, responsible, close to his family and is extremely secure financially.  He is sole owner of an extremely profitable business, owns six or more houses which he rents out and continues to work at his former health care job on a casual basis.  The thought did cross my mind that if I married him, my financial worries would be over.

We'd had countless sweet chats on POF.com since last April.  Dating Guy seemed like a real "catch" but I resisted meeting him because: (1)  I wasn't ready to date and (2) he had just broken up with his fiance (a man) after seven years together.  But his ex was still living in the basement of Dating Guy's house while he completed job training.  It seemed an odd situation so I decided to steer clear of it.

But in January, we finally did meet and really hit it off.  He's an experienced gay guy, wickedly funny, romantic and was actively seeking a LTR.   We had an intense couple of weeks, meeting every single day in restaurants, coffee shops and at each other's homes including in our bedrooms.  I'd rank him as a 9.5 as "perfect LTR material."  I was really starting to like him, a lot.

He was kind, thoughtful and attentive and seemed to be developing an infatuation with me.  But I started to feel jittery in his presence becaue he was extremely focused on details and on appearance.  He made numerous seemingly-innocuous but negative comments about my hair (dishevelled.... I hadn't had a haircut in two months), my blazer (too large ... okay, okay, it was a hand-me-down from a dead relative) and the condition of my house.  (disaster area: I am still unpacking and we're in the middle of never-ending renovations.)  

I will admit that I am hyper-sensitive to criticism especially that which is presented as a "joke."  I was raised under a cloud of relentless criticism and disapproval from my parents, a pattern which repeated itself during our marriage except it came from my wife.

Another fly in the ointment: his ex was still living in his basement and was scheduled to move out "any time now."  In fact, his ex had also had been messaging me on pof.com, as though they were in competition.

The worst part was that our kissing was quite awkward with little "chemistry" and normally, I`m darn good at kissing!  ALL my men tell me so!  Our kissing became even more awkward when Dating Guy corrected my technique and didn't allow any tongue action at all. 

Abruptly, our restaurant meals, pof chats, phone calls and texts dried up completely and without any explanation.  I was a little sad because I really liked Dating Guy as a friend but this cooling off gave me some needed perspective.  How did I really feel about him? 

Then last night he texted after a six weeks of silence: "Do you ever think of me?" and "Can we meet?  I have something important that I need to tell you but it has to be in person."

I drove the 30 km to his house.  (At midnight!  On a school night!!)  We greeted each other warmly and had a fantastic, funny conversation.  I really like him.  But he seemed unable to get to the point for my visit.  I finally offered:  "The main thing I learned during our two weeks of dating is that I am in no way ready for dating.  After nearly 22 years of marriage, I need more time."

He said:  "I'm sorry for cutting off contact without any explanation.  I started to like you more and more every time we met.  I mean, I REALLY, REALLY started to like you.  I got scared at how I was feeling and tried to run away from it." 

He launched into a month-long slut phase, hooking up with many, many guys but in the end, realized that he wanted me in his life.  And.... here's the final kick in the shorts .... his ex is still living in his basement, scheduled to move out in June.

I didn't comment about being his boyfriend but I told him how I felt about his criticism.  He apologized retroactively.   But, as I pointed out, how can you apologize for just being yourself?  I can't deny how I felt, how I feel, in his presence.

We chatted some more, kissed and fondled.   He wanted to move things into his bedroom but I declined.  It was 1:30 am!  And I wasn't feeling it.  So I just went home.

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I think that just the act of putting this sad story writing has helped me decide what I need to do.  But I'd appreciate your comments .....

 
 

18 comments:

  1. How was the kissing this time?

    You've made it clear that you don't feel ready to enter into a LTR yet but sometimes we don't get to choose when we find that special someone.

    I would see him again and keep it casual if that's what you want. Believe it or not, people do make friends on hookup sites, maybe that's what you can have with him.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Our kissing last night was every bit as awkward; I'm not sure why. It didn't help that we were sitting on stools at the kitchen counter. But we have had some really great kissing sessions in bed.

      I actually think that he needs to have an extended slut phase, having just left a 7 year relationship. And yes, I think I would like to be good friends with him, whatever else happens.

      Delete
  2. That's a tricky one, and I feel unqualified to venture an opinion. I do, however, wish you luck.

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  3. Not to be judgmental, Buddy, but you've named several reasons that the sparks are lacking. There's no magic in the kiss (and that's important to you), and then there's the criticism. Who does that on a date? Good that he was apologetic about it, but that and his fear/disappearance sound like emotional immaturity on his part.

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    Replies
    1. Good points, Adam! One time it happened in my own home when he showed up on my doorstep uninvited. I told him last night that when he made his critical remark, I very nearly showed him to the door.

      There is a bit of neediness in him... no doubt. Maybe some insecurity as well.

      Delete
  4. If I've understood everything correctly, there are a few different issues here. Certainly the criticism is one thing. As a successful business man and a guy who isn't often required to compromise on what he wants, it's probably second-nature for him to be critical and demanding. Those qualities are likely to be a key part of who he is. Will that offend you in the long-run? Probably. Can he be taught to mind his manners better? Probably, with regular coaching.

    There's also the kissing issue. I'm not sure what to make of that. My guess is that the lack of spark is a product of issue #1, above, and issue #3, below.

    The big issue, the elephant in the room, is you. Over and over and over you've said that you're not interested in a relationship, that you're not ready for a relationship, etc, etc. You've never said why. Maybe you just want to enjoy being single? Maybe there are other issues you want to take some time to figure out? Whatever. The reasons don't matter. The fact that you know you're not ready for a relationship does.

    When it comes to Dating Guy, the primary reason you're considering what he's saying is because you know he's a catch. If he was more of an average Joe (with an ex-bf living in the basement) you would quickly insist that you're not ready for a relationship. But this guy, very understandably, cannot be written off so easily. This is why you're considering his offer.

    Ultimately, I expect that you'll tell him you're flattered and that at some future date you might be a better position to consider a relationship, but for now you know you're not ready, and as such, it's would be best not to go down that road. Why risk ruining what someday might be a great thing?

    We can't wait to hear what you decide...

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  5. I think men by nature are designed to be competitive, territorial and sowers of wild oats, so Gay men are challenged when it comes down to a long term commitment to another man.

    With your desire to find Mr. Right, it's might be wise to find a man with more maternal qualities, someone who has had kids and understands sacrifice and the value of FAMILY and in staying together. Because in the end, it's either being together with someone or being alone.

    And you've got too much love to give to end up alone. Just my humble opinion. Good luck.

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  6. criticism, awkward kisses, "extremely focused on details and on appearance" (anal-retentive). nope, you deserve better than this, dear buddybear.

    AND THE EX IS STILL LIVING IN HIS BASEMENT! WTeverlovinF? danger danger will robinson!

    run away in the opposite direction from this one; yeah, he MAY have money, but money isn't everything. this dude sounds horrible!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, sweetie! I think this is a case of finding someone (you) who is brave enough to tell me something that I wanted to hear. There is still too much about his behaviour which I don't understand.

      But he is also highly attentive towards me, charismatic and wickedly funny. I'd love to have him as my BFF.

      Delete
  7. I have no sage advice to offer. But, if you have the number of that guy in the Primus t-shirt, I'd be much obliged!

    Of course, I'm only kidding. I'm to old for him. Damn. And I'm married. I haven't dated in thirty years. I didn't even date back then, really.

    But if I were single... lol

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    1. Thanks for commenting! The guy in the Primus T-shirt looks just like the handsome Italian dude I had in my bed on Monday night, who I mentioned briefly in this post. But the real-life guy I was with had thinning hair and didn't have the lovely muscles of the guy in the pic. But his face was every bit as handsome.... :-)

      Delete
  8. Thanks for commenting, everyone!! I will address the comments in my next post on Sunday. It's a very complicated issue. I'm also dealing with a similar issue with my Fuck Buddy who (I'm afraid) wants something more from me.

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  9. I think that men, gay men in particular, are far more complex creatures than men are usually given credit for being. When I came out later than I should have, but we all manage these things as best we can at the time, I was out there with lots of guys.

    I met a man who was a gem, smart, funny, interested in the arts, and hot -- very hot. He was married, with a family and it was unquestionable that he would never leave them. I kept myself from falling in love, but I realized that something was different between us, and that I could conceive of making a life with someone like him. That man came onto the scene unexpectedly about a year later and and when he did, I KNEW. You'll know when you're ready and when a real candidate for long-termhood shows up in your life. And when he does I hope you two are outrageously happy.

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  10. I get from your post that as charming and handsome he is - you don't feel really 100% comfortable with him. I don't think that the critisim will stop long term because if someone is comfortable to do this at the beginning of a "realtionship", he is even more open about it when the "relationship" is established. If you are okay with akward kissing...you have to decide that.

    But from the whole scenario, the way you write it, I'm not sure if you should be more than BFF with him.

    Maybe in time you get to know him better etc. etc. but so far this sounds not exactly like a guy you need.

    Don't start something if you don't feel like you can be yourself and be accepted with all your little quirks and tics.

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  11. it's hard to think of a wise comment when you have two pictures of hot guys at end.

    It seems he's good on paper but not in real life, especially if you don't have chemistry while kissing. However, getting to know someone takes more than a few months of dating and having sex. I say keep it casual and talk; if it feels right, sex it up.

    I also think that you're not done with your "slut" phase. It sounds like you want a relationship, but you also want to sleep around with other hot men. I semi came out apprx 2 years ago (and I'm in my late 30s) and I must admit, I was horny and just wanted to slut it up for the first year or so...it's not completely out of my system, but I met someone who's good to me and I like being a relationship thus so far. Anyway, I think you know what it is that you should do.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

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  12. Thanks for sharing yourstory! I like your comment about Dating Guy being "good on paper but not in real life." I'll comment in more detail in my next post.

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