Thursday, September 29, 2011

"Are you seeing someone?"

This amazing "beefy guy pic"
borrowed from Dan in OK City
The moving-in date for my wife's new house is November 19th.  We will start to show my house, finished or not, in just over one week and hope that we all end up moving into our new homes near the same time.

The decluttering and fixing-up of my our home is going full steam ahead.  I am mainly doing all this work by myself while doing my regular job during the day.

T.he kids help out a bit, but my oldest is in a demanding school program and they have many other commitments all week.   My wife hasn't been able to spend more than a couple of hours here in her former home:  she either gets angry, or weepy or becomes sick to her stomach. 

As a result, I am working nearly continuously from 6:00 am to 12:00 pm, seven days per week. 

My wife phoned me up yesterday to ask me, "Are you seeing someone?"   I said, "NO!  ARE YOU INSANE!!!   When would I have time to see anyone?  I'm working eighteen hours a day.  I'm so stressed-out, exhausted and sore, I can hardly walk, let alone go out dating!   What in hell ever gave you that idea??"

She said that she often tries to phone me to talk and I'm out every evening.   Duh!   Either I'm on an errand to get more house supplies / paint from Homo Home Depot or I'm hauling truck loads of stuff to be stored at a neighbour's house some 35 minutes away. 

She accepted that explanation; it was the truth.  If I had been dating guys, I would have told her.  I know she would have said that I was free to date guys but would have asked me to be discrete.  She's still worried about my son being teased about having a gay dad. 


  1. She's just trying to find out if you are leaving her for another man. You can't blame her for asking. If she didn't think of it herself, one of her friends put it in her head for her. And it's not unreasonable to ask.

    But now she knows for certain there is no other man, and that you are leaving her for YOU. That should make her more sympathetic to your journey, shouldn't it?

    Maybe you should give her more of an indication of all the work you are putting into this sale and maybe she'll spend more time helping you and taking on some of the burden.

    In the mean time, I hate that color green on the guy in the first pic. If I was anywhere near him, I'd have no choice but to rip it off of him ;-)

  2. She probably didn't intend it this way, but her question was a warning shot. WHEN you start dating she's not going to take it well. If possible (maybe it's not) you should try to slowly ease her into the idea that dating is inevitable. Maybe set a date in the future to start, like Jan 1, then periodically remind her that the date is approaching and if she has anything she'd like to say about it, now is the time. The hope is that by Jan 1 she'll be so tired of complaining about it that the big day will turn into a non-event.

  3. My sympathies for the 18 hour workdays. May your health remain intact as you push forward through this.

    You know your wife better than any of us. So when you say:

    I know she would have said that I was free to date guys but would have asked me to be discrete. She's still worried about my son being teased about having a gay dad.

    This is just something that you will continue to work through together. As exasperating as this must be for you to have emotional stuff piled higher and deeper while you are working to the point of exhaustion, maybe, in a left-handed compliment sort of way, your wife still believes in you. That you will date; that you will have future relationship(s); that you may even remarry.

    Will J

    PS In my profession we are known as optimists. When you show us a pile of horsesh*t, we immediately exclaim excitedly "Where is the pony!"

  4. Cubby: Excellent points! I think I'll address my future hookup / dating / LTR plans in the next post!

    Yes, my wife is well aware of how hard I'm working. She phoned me last week, sobbing and distraught, apologizing for the fact that she had been unable to help at all with the house packing. She is just too emotionally fragile to be in the house where we spent our entire married life (including the wonderful early years) and raised our children.

    Two Lives: we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, that's for sure. I don't think it would be wise for me to date seriously until our divorce is complete. I'm expecting that she will get very angry if I jump into that scene immediately.

    Besides, I am so emotionally battered right now, all I want to do is crawl into a nice warm bed and hide. The very LAST thing I want or need is to jump into a rebound relationship before I'm ready.

    Will: My wife commented to her best friend about me a few months ago, "_ _ _ _ is always present... meaning, you can always count on him to be there, to do the right thing. The friend felt I needed to know this as I think it is one of the best complements I could ever have received from my wife.

    Yes, I plan to have a future LTR and likely even another marriage, but only when I'm ready.

    I'm an eternal optimist; I look at a pile of horsh*t and think, "Just imagine how well my garden will grow with that!"

  5. You ARE the eternal optimist, and I love that about you. It’s possible that your wife is searching for “reasons”. It’s so hard to let go of needing explanations for things that happen. Women in particular (I am one so I know) seem to need to nail down an explanation when really, things just are, and things change, and that’s how it goes.

    I have to say I hopped over here after reading your comments on other blogs because I am truly impressed with your humour, good sense, compassion and unending support for other men in like situations. Especially when you’re going through this, you still find the energy and emotion to reach out to others.

    I hope you have a great time with a shiny new sex life when you have time, and after you sow a lot of wild oats you fall in love with some wonderful man who loves you back and live happily as you can with him. You totally deserve it. Have fun while you’re looking for him, though. :-D

  6. Anomymous: Wow! Thank you for your kind, perceptive comments! Yes, my wife strongly needs a "reason" for all this and in particular, someone to blame. She blamed herself for a long time and then me. I've been urging her to just accept our situation as it is and move on as best we can. Women are hard for us men to figure out and after twenty years of marriage, I fear than I am no better at it.

    Yes, I am highly supportive of married gay men like me, with children. They are being (excuse my French) crapped on on all sides as it seems as though their entire lives are being destroyed. They are not the villains that many want to portray them as.

    I am supportive of these men as very few have my advantage of getting so much support for LGBT folk from my country, community, family, friends and and yes, even my wife. And yes, very few people have my sunny, optimistic disposition which comes from being a cancer survivor....thanks for noticing!

    As to your comments on my "shiny new sex life".... you summed up my plans (an hopes) perfectly. You are a very perceptive lady! Thanks again!!


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