Thursday, September 22, 2011

"I want to be friends"

http://hotasfuckblog.blogspot.com

My wife said recently, "I want us to end up being friends." and later, "I don't want to fight with you."  We have come a very, very long way!

Just eight months ago, I was on the receiving end of  screaming, slamming down the phone, thrown furniture, and my wife wishing I was dead and threating to burn down my house.  I never thought we would ever reach this relatively friendly state, let alone so quickly.

I told her that whether or not we end up friends depends entirely on her behaviour.  If she continues to behave appropriately, then yes, we can be be friends.  If she is critical, erratic, unreasonable in her demands and abusive, I wouldn't cross the street to help her.  She knows darn well that I mean it!  The single most remarkable change since our separation is the honesty with which we can now speak to each other.   This sort of conversation would never have occurred before our marriage ended.

Our best friend recently predicted that when my wife is 90 years old and senile in some old folks' home, I will be the one looking after her well-being. We both feel that she may be right.
  
Yesterday, we talked on the phone for over an hour and didn't mention my gayness, our separation / divorce or division of assets once.   My wife's family is seriously f*cked up (her words) and she needed to talk to a supportive friend who knows all the people involved.  I'm the only person who fits that description!

There is always much drama with my passel of worthless in-laws.  This week's conversation centred on:
  • A disabled sister who had a very serious psychiatric episode while out in the community while babysitting a toddler grandchild.  She was taken into police custody and then hospitalized.  The sister also smokes marijuana and drinks to excess.
  • A father who is in the final stages of a severe psychiatric disease, first diagnosed twenty years ago after he was apprehended by the police.  
  • A niece who has constant relationship problems and is on a six-month stress leave from her job.  

  • A nephew in his early 20s (a father of three) has been cooking crack cocaine in the family's apartment and is presently in drug rehab.   

After these conversations about my in-laws, I constantly marvel at how normal my own family is; my children, parents, siblings and myself. Gosh, we're boring!!


http://hotasfuckblog.blogspot.com

11 comments:

  1. Man, do I love boring! Just hearing about other people's drama makes me want to flee. I read your post and it reminds me to be thankful for the tranquil life I lead. Thanks BB.

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  2. Buddy, this is indeed a good development. Even though my ex is not treating me with courtesy and respect, luckily, i have never had anything approaching the hostiliy and violent attitude that youve encounered.

    I still try to treat her respectfully and if she was really in a bind I'd help her out. I believe it's important for me to model honorable behavior for my kids. It is ineresting, in this respect, we've experienced the opposite turn of events. My ex initially promoted the concept of "being friends", and i agreed, however she later began to treat me with disdain (bordering on contempt) and even though I've tried to maintain a positive outlook, at this point, being "friends" wih her is the farthest thing from my mind. Will we be able to attend family functions and be civil, sure, but that's the end of it for me. Having said this though, there is still something in the back of my mind that hopes for a better relationship in the future.

    Hugs, Mike

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  3. Your positive attitude and upbeat posts (crazy and/or drugged up in-laws aside) are such a pleasure to read. Given her dysfunctional family, I think your former wife also deserves some praise. Look at the great kids you've raised together and look at how her attitude toward you has completely turned around.

    Thanks for sharing this happy news.

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  4. I think you may be a balance and level-headedness needed in the many lives you touch. That's really refreshing to know that she trusts you enough to try to remake a friendship.

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  5. Jack: I wouldn't describe your life as "boring." I vicariously follow your thrilling Craiglist hookups on your blog. But I know what you mean, you probably don't have all the social drama involving my in-laws. However, my own life generally fairly calm, aside from the recent divorce drama. My children have had an exceedingly stable upbringing.

    Mike and Two Lives: thank you for your wise and compassionate comments. They deserve a more detailed response, so I will comment properly on my next post.

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  6. anne marie in phillySeptember 22, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    ummmmmmmmmmmm, I'll take the hunk in the first photo please.

    good for you and you STBX. and the further you stay away from the crazy in-laws, the better off you will be.

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  7. Mack: thanks for your kind words. Actually, many people who know me in my real life have said the same thing.

    anne marie: Thank you! Despite some of my wife' drama, she is a most remarkable person who has been undergoing a terrible upheaval in her life as well as she can.

    About the in-laws: some live 1000 miles away, but the drug addict ones live 500 miles away; not far enough! My wife has changed the locks on her home as some them were given the key. There is just no predicting what an addicted person will do.

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  8. Mack: thanks for your kind words. Actually, many people who know me in my real life have said the same thing.

    anne marie: Thank you! Despite some of my wife' drama, she is a most remarkable person who has been undergoing a terrible upheaval in her life as well as she can.

    About the in-laws: some live 1000 miles away, but the drug addict ones live 500 miles away; not far enough! My wife has changed the locks on her home as some them were given the key. There is just no predicting what an addicted person will do.

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  9. Not to be a wet blanket, but you know things can change with your wife in a split second. I'm happy to hear about the great progress, but it's not over until it's over. So when is it over?

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  10. Just as your blog title says - One Step at a Time. As you already know, you will always be bound by the lives of your soon to be adult children. Which brings up a point, that whether or not you stayed married or even remained fully heterosexual (ie if some of us evil gays hadn't sprinkled you with Fairy Dust), the dynamic of your marriage would be changing at this point in your lives as your children start on their adult lives and your caretaker and mentor roles and responsibilities as parents diminish. Your shared experiences to this point, good, bad, and indifferent, are a part of who you are. Remaining friends will require some work to establish appropriate boundaries, but, as I noted above, you would probably be working on the relationship anyway.

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  11. dear me !
    It doesn't sound at all boring these days.

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