Spo-Shirt Strip Tease

A blogger friend commented to me, “You are very comfortable in front of the camera for a guy who’s fresh out of the gay womb.” While I was raised to be very comfortable with nudity, this budding exhibitionism is a very recent development and is an important part of my gay journey.

The discovery that I could be regarded as attractive by anyone was a shocking revelation to me. I was a mid-40ish, furry, thickening-around-the middle dad who hadn’t had sex with anyone (or indeed, felt sexually desirable) in a very, very long time. For me, having an appreciative audience makes me feel incredibly sexy and worthy of someone’s attention. Only when I admitted to myself that I was gay that it suddenly became okay to accept, and even to seek, compliments from guys.

This amazing journey all started with my first little Undie Monday submission and Sean’s shocking (to me) response, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!”   Recently, Sean challenged his blogger friends to post a video of themselves doing something silly or outrageous. If you haven’t already seen these, please check out:

1. Sean singing You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man.   Eat your heart out, Loretta!!
2. Jim lip-synching Trouty Mouth.  What a hoot!

Since I want my blog to be faceless, at least for now, my big problem was what to do for this challenge.  At play were childhood memories of "I'll do it if you do it." and "If you show me yours, I'll show you mine."

So, to continue down my exhibitionist path, here are some stripper-wanna videos of me. (I’d love to do this for real, by the way, on stage, with proper lighting and music, in front of an appreciative audience of bears and perhaps as part of a duo.. hmmm... and maybe some massage oil)  I shot two videos, but couldn’t decide which made me cringe the least I like better, so I posted both. I have very mixed feelings about posting these, but one must be brave!    I doubt I will be leaving them up indefinitely, but in support of Sean's challenge .....here they are!! 

Stripper wannabee #1: White shirt strip with jockstrap. As part of my gay evolution, I now think that jockstraps are the sexiest thing that a guy can wear.

Stripper wannabe #2: Spo-shirt strip with white bikini briefs. I found the filming of this one increasingly .... er... exciting as I went along.

Spo-Shirt + Jockstrap in Shower

Me and my growing "Buddha Belly."

I've had a fantastic week wearing the Spo-shirt on its first Canadian stop, but sadly, I have to send it off to the next recipient tomorrow morning.  As Cubby said to me, "It is a magical shirt... it has a way of making everyone who touches it very happy.  Can you feel it?"  Cubby, I agree!

It was fantastic to be a part of it and it will break my heart to part with such a beautiful shirt. In about a week, I will post a complete set of Spo-shirt pics, but here is a teaser pic of me wearing it.
  OTHER NOTES: 

1. I urge every closeted, married guy to read yesterdays joyful, triumphant post from Is there a Way Out for a SoCal Guy?   He fully came out to his wife a week ago;  it is turning out to be a positive, empowering experience and a major turning point in his life.  While his isn't the path I hope to take, I am very happy for him.   Read his whole story, if you aren't familiar with it.
2. I'm taking up Sean's challenge to post a silly, fun video of myself.  Would anyone object to a (partial) Spo-shirt strip tease?

Seeing less of the Kids

As gay, separated father of teenagers, I have encountered many positives and a couple of negatives in my new situation since coming out to my entire family a few months ago.

POSITIVES:

• Finally understanding what my growing attraction to men really meant:  I'm gay!  How exciting!!...I honestly didn't know.
• Being able to live a truthful life.  The most important thing, by far, is finally being true to myself.  
• Not having to keep a big part of me hidden from family and close friends and eventually, my work colleagues. 
• I can ogle all the hot guys I want, wank off to online gay porn and hone my gaydar / man-flirting skills without feeling any guilt whatsoever. None!  It is simply who I am.
•  Eventually, I will have truly passionate sex with a guy, being fully engaged in a way which I could never quite achieve with a woman.  (even though I worked very hard at it!)
• Escaping a poisoned marital environment where being blamed for everything, listening to complaining, criticism, name-calling and anger were daily occurrences.  (Knowing that I've escaped this unhappy situation fills me with the greatest joy, every single day)
• Serving as a positive role model to my children who were well aware of how badly I was being treated but who didn't know the real reason.  You do not have to stay in a desperately unhappy situation!
• Seeing my kids develop a more positive, consistently-happy relationship with their mother, based on them finally understanding the reason for her unhappiness;  their father is gay!

NEGATIVES:

• Taking a financial hit as we divide our assets and work out our equalized incomes.  While this is a great concern, I know I will survive and adjust to my new reality.  Also, the rules regarding the division of assets in my jurisdiction are pretty fair and reasonable.  The great reward at the end;  I will finally regain my financial independence!
• Seeing less of the kids.   This is the only part of my new situation which causes me,  occasionally very often, to fall into the deepest despair and sadness.

The logical side of me knows that our "empty nest syndrome" was well underway.  The kids have jobs, friends, demanding school schedules, extra curricular involvements and sports activities.  Although still they do some things with their parents, there are many more activities which any normal teenager would not be caught dead doing with his/her parents.   That is to be expected and is in fact, desirable for an emotionally-healthy teenager.

My number one goal as a parent since the kids were infants was to produce independent, self-sufficient adults.  In this regard, we have been hugely successful as all of our kids are incredibly independent.  They display an amazing degree of self-assurance and self-confidence that my wife and I didn't achieve until well into adulthood.  The kids are not wholly dependent on the adults in their lives any more..... which means that we spend less time with them.  As well, one or more of the kids will going out of town to university soon;  parents need to adjust to that reality as well.


In the months since my coming-out and separation, I've had the kids with me most of the time while their mother remained alone and desperately sad in her new home.  Her pain caused me great sadness as well but I could not convince the kids to leave the only home they'd ever known.  "Losing" her children is the worst fate that could befall a devoted mother, after conceiving the kids, carrying them for nine months, giving birth, nursing each for a year or more, followed by nearly twenty challenging years of parenting.  Clearly, this was a horribly unfair situation.

I have worked extremely hard in the past month to improve the living conditions at my wife's house.  The goal was to make it a real "home" for the kids;  one which was much more desirable to live in.  Hello, flat screen TV! 

Although the kids were being manipulated in a way, both of us were in strong agreement that my wife must not be alone most of the time, even if it meant that I would be alone more.  As as result, one of the kids is now living with my wife most of the time while the other lives with me most of the time.  Each kid still spends a day or two per week with the opposite parent.

As well, we both remain heavily involved in their after-school activities (ie: driving them everywhere) most days.  I don't want to suggest everything is perfect;  there is occasionally a bit of sneaky, manipulative behaviour regarding the kids' living arrangements which upsets me, but I'll deal with that as it occurs.  It helps enormously that my kids are older teenagers and I have a very strong relationship with them, having raised them basically by myself.   For the most part, they are able to make their own choices in this matter regardless of parental maneuverings.

This more equitable arrangement has been on place for less than one week   I desperately miss having al my kids with me all the time.  Selfish, I know.  Our new arrangement is flexible and one of the kids told me that it may evolve into a week-on, week-off situation.  It is their choice entirely.  During the summer vacation, the arrangement likely will change again, I'm sure, with me seeing even less of all the kids for a while.

This is our new reality; one which saddens me immensely.  It is the biggest price I will have to pay for being true to myself and for seeking (eventually, hopefully, years from now) a real, loving relationship. When I do have the kids with me, I now resolve to make the most of the time we spend together.  Both parents are trying harder to provide a completely loving and supportive environment for them so they can adjust to their new reality.

TV Meme

Recently, I've been alternating between "serious" posts about my gay drama (right at this second, everything is  drama-free and fairly happy) and "sexy" posts, about my lecherous behaviour, ogling hot guys. This post involves neither category.  (oh, all right ... there is a <i>bit</> of ogling in here as well!!)  this post   This a trip down memory lane, courtesy of Cubby at Patently Queer.  Thanks, Cubby ...it was fun!

I've never been much of a TV watcher. Never having lived in a house with cable or satellite TV,  there were usually only 2 or 3 channels from which to choose.  As a kid, I spent most of my time reading books or (with my brothers, cousins and friends) doing outdoor sports and doing things in the wilderness.  In fact, I didn't even own a TV when I first lived on my own from the age of 22 to 28. 

Back in the Day — 5 TV Shows You Loved As A Kid

All in the Family
Maude
Magnum P.I.
The Nature of Things  (featuring nature documentaries on the CBC)
M.A.S.H.     - but not the last few years of the series

That’s Hot — 5 TV Characters You Would Do

Thomas Magnum (Magnum P.I.) 
Benjamin Franklin ("Hawkeye") Pierce (M.A.S.H.) 
Bo and  Luke (Dukes of Hazzard)  .....but both at the same time
Gary Sandy (WKPR in Cincinatti)  

5 TV Theme Songs You Know (and Love) By Heart

Mary Tyler Moore Show
Maude
All in the Family
Happy Days
WKPR in Cincinatti

Meh — 5 “Hit” Shows You Never Could Get Into

Seinfeld
Friends
Baywatch
Moonlighting
Home Improvement

The Starting Line-Up — 5 Channels You Go To First When You Sit Down to Watch TV

CBC - Canadian Broadcorping Castration Broadcasting Corporation
CTV - Canadian Television Network

(I've never lived in a house with cable or satellite -- our "rabbit ears" TV only gets two channels)

“That’s What She Said” — 5 Quotes That Still Resonate

Blanche: Well I haven't known any personally but ain't Danny Thomas one?
Dorothy: Not Lebanese, Blanche. Lesbian. .........Golden Girls


Archie Bunker:  "The sexual act was never constipated." ..... All in the Family


Colonel Potter:   I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife.........M.A.S.H.


George and Elaine:  "Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
"It shrinks?"
"Like a frightened turtle."
"Why?"
"It just does! There is no why!!!"   ............ Seinfeld

Maude Findlay:  Holding up her high school cheerleading sweater, which has an "M" on the front- I can remember when the "M" covered my whole chest.
Walter Findlay: Now, you have enough room to spell out "MASSECHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY".

Maude Findlay: God'll get you for that, Walter................Maude

“Gimme More” — 5 Shows You Can Never Get Enough Of  (I wouldn't go so far as to say "never get enough of", but I would watch these, if I happened to turn on the TV and they were on)

Amazing Race
Bones
NCIS
Brothers and Sisters
The Nature of Things  (featuring nature documentaries on the CBC)

More on Spandex Skinsuits

While all my "gay drama"  is going on, the millions of us in the Sandwich Generation  face many other challenges:  demanding jobs, the running of households, responsibilities involving  aging parents and most importantly, raising teenagers. 

One of our  kids is a bit of a concern: a few school issues, occasional rudeness  and  (at  times) sullen behaviour.   We've seen this  typical teenage behaviour before,  in fact, and hope it is  not too related to our present situation.   

Since the kids spend time in each household (which is fair), a unified response between the two parents is needed.   I honestly think that we will be able to deal with parenting issues together very effectively.  Despite the  best parental responses, however, raising teenagers in our society will always be a challenge!


These concerns are weighing me down a bit.  If I'm alone, issues seem worse as I tend to brood.  The uncertainty of the outcome for all of us is always at the back of my mind.  I'm rarely sad or worried, but if I am to write this blog honestly, I have to share these negative feelings along with the positive.   

So, here is a post that is entirely "fluff"  to cheer me up.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like such a perve about the recent post about Spandex athletes, when my son and I competed in the Caribou Cross Country Ski Marathon in BC.  I want everyone to better understand what was like to have competed in a race with spandex-clad, sexy, elite athletes.

Let's examine again the guy in the orange skinsuit to the right.  He was a participant in my local race; there were many guys there just like him or even hotter.

Allow your eyes move up the curve of his well-muscled thigh; notice how the thigh muscle dips in at the top and then curves out again to form the perfectly tight, rounded buttock.  Then, imagine hundreds of hot spandex athletes like him an arm's length away, some of them even brushing your shoulder, panting and sweaty, grunting with exertion.

The irony is, none of these guys would be caught dead in a Speedo;  it would be socially unacceptable for the 18 - 35 year old guys.  Yet every one of them is willing, even eager, to put on a clingy  Spandex skinsuit which is every bit as revealing.  Skinsuits are almost sexier than if the guy had been stark naked.  I don't understand why these straight guys are so eager to dress like this!

Their appearance is only part of the equation.  The technique for skate-skiing requires an "open crotch" pose with the skis forming a "V" to the front.  Then imagine, as the hottie skies past you, those muscular thighs pumping, the tight spandex-clad buttock  thrusting forward, with the groin pumping with matching thrusts ....thrusting, thrusting, thrusting.    Gosh, what's a gay virgin to do?    I'll need to excuse myself now....

Progress

Bluebuck Underwear (http://www.bluebuck.net)

Just a couple of months ago, we talked on the telephone only about once a week.  Those one-sided conversations were full of anger, hatred, blame and abuse.

Since then, a transformation has occurred.  In the past two weeks, we've talked on the phone most days; often more than once a day.  I am shocked pleasantly surprised at  how  normal and friendly most of these conversations have become.  We have even recalled fond memories and shared a tiny bit of laughter, "Remember the time when we.......?" 


Our phone conversations are still much easier than  face-to-face encounters which I sometimes find tense.   Mainly, we talk business:

• The kids:  Johnny wants to do what(!!!) on Friday?
• Logistics:  I am out of town for work this week; the kids need to stay at your house.
• Household matters:  The car needs an oil change!

We have acknowledged (but just barely, in passing) the big issue about our financial future and division of assets. There is no need to rush into this discussion. We have to be a good place, communication-wise, to ensure the entire family ends up in the best possible place emotionally, financially and socially.

Recently, I've received a couple of emotional apologies for past bad (ie: abusive) behaviour, which ended up with each of us apologizing to the other.   During one face-to-face meeting, an unexpected, small act of kindness came my way.   I did wonder if it was motivated by guilt or perhaps orchestrated by one of the kids.   However, I shouldn't over-analyze things and just accept it;  I was touched and pleasantly surprised.

Although we are at a very early stage, I think each of us  sees a much happier future ahead in our separate households.  Without any prompting,  the kids have already commented on how much happier each of their parents have become.  I can only hope that this feeling of good will continues.

Random eye-candy:   This cute guy, although a bit young for me, has a lean, natural body with an acceptable amount of fuzz and a nice treasure trail.  I like this picture for a few reasons:  

1. I have a favourite red Speedo just like his. 
2. He reminds me of me, in my younger days.  
3. To me, that view up the legs (the open-crotch shot) is just irresistible!
4. I like the the way he has the drawstring draped around the side of his bulge.  I used to wear my Speedo's drawstring that way, back in the days when I had a girlish waistline and wore my Speedo in public.  No longer!

St. Patrick's Day Hotties

I was just preparing a post on how calm everything has been recently when an unexpected bit of spousal drama reared its ugly head. Eventually, the situation was resolved amicably.  I am just so done with all the tension!   When will it end?

In a nod to St. Patrick's day, here are some hotties in green.

I often have a hard time finding online pictures of hot, furry guys in the 35 - 55 age range.  Some of these guys in this set are overly-shaved for my taste and a few might be too young.  To be perfectly honest, however,  any of these guys could eat crackers in my bed, anytime he wanted.

Toronto Dominion Bank:  thank you for sponsoring Pride!!

Coming out Meme

I don't normally edit posts retroactively. I made two "faux pas" in this post (discussed in the comments) which I feel badly about and must correct.  I'll show the changes in red font.

At first, I was extremely hesitant about doing this meme from Cubby at Patently Queer.   I did it because (I assume) there are many bi/gay/married/closeted/middle-aged fathers who are reading this blog regularly and anonymously.

I know what it's like to be in your shoes.  By reading this meme, I hope that you will feel less alone;  you may even see some similarities with your own situation.

Name: Buddy Bear

Country: British Columbia, Canada

Age: 45

How old were you when you first realized you were gay? In my mid-30s, I first noticed an attraction to men.  I threw in the towel several months ago and admitted to myself that I was gay, rather than bi.  Who knows?  I might be bi, but I'm now exclusively identifying as gay.   It's not as though I am ever going to be alternating:  having sex with a woman one night, a man with the next!  Although I am a gay virgin, I am pretty sure that I have a strong preference for guys.

Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? I only have straight friends in my real life; I have quite a few (in fact more) gay friends online. It's only with my online friends that I can be completely honest about my thoughts, feelings and fears;  they are quickly becoming my true friends.

Biggest turn on? Furry torso and legs, nice ass, pleasant personality.

Biggest turn off?  Closed-mindedness, intolerance

Ever been harassed due to your orientation?  Never.  No one figured it out, including me!

Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay?  The surprise was that it wasn't a big deal to them.

What is the worst gay stereotype?  That gays are promiscuous and all have HIV / AIDS.

Are you a stereotype? No.

Ever been to a pride rally? No - But I hope to go this June!

Do you go to gay bars? No, the nearest one is 400 miles away.

How old were you when you first told someone you were gay? 45 (several months ago)

Did you plan it? If so, how?  I just told them, flat out, at each of their homes.

What made you choose that person to tell? I  told my whole family (wife, two teenage kids, siblings, parents) and very close friends.  They're the only people that matter.

How did you feel?  That a  great weight  was off my chest.  Happier and freer.

Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them? No

Have you come out to your family? Yes, all of them.

Why did you come out at that point? Needed to explain why I was getting divorced.

Are you out at work? A couple of close colleagues, yes.  The entire organization, no.

If not, why not?  (1)  Biggest reason:  given the somewhat "high profile" nature of my job and my small town, it would basically mean coming out to the whole town.  I'm fine with that and in fact, look forward to it.  But I have to be sure that my kids would be okay with it first.  There's no rush!  (2) We never discuss sex at work, heterosexual or otherwise.  (3)  Being gay is only a very small part of who I am. (4) It's nobody's business by my own.

If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? It was willingly.

What does being out mean to you?   Living the truth.   Enabling the kids to understand why my marriage was so unhappy.  Ensuring the kids live in two happy households, rather than one household filled with tension and anger.  They have commented on the "happier households" already!

What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?   If you're a bi/gay/married father, consider the impact on your wife and children. You still have a responsibility to your family unit.  I believe that  the wives of closeted gay/bi men would want their husbands to come out to them as soon as possible.  This gives her the option of starting a new life with a "real man", while she is still young. By "real man", I only meant a heterosexual man who is 100% interested in having passionate sex with his woman.  A man who desires and lusts after his wife completely.  Although (I like to think) I was very good  at having sex with my wife, I was really just just going through the motions.  I think woman can always sense this difference. 

Gay men are very much "real men."  Having had to do battle all their lives, they are in fact courageous warriors.

  In time, the children will be perfectly okay with having a "gay Dad", but think carefully and (if you are still talking) discuss it with their mother before coming out to the kids.   Variables include their ages, peer group and the state of gay-acceptance in your community.  My kids were perfectly okay with my announcement.

If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? No changes.  I came out immediately when I acknowledged (to myself) I was gay.  This self-awareness could have occurred at a younger age, but it didn't.  I can't change history.  By figuring out I was gay later in life,  I did end up with two fantastic children;  not every gay man is that lucky!  Everyone's journey is different.

12 of 12: March 2011

Check out Chad Darnell's blog for other 12 of 12 photographs from amateur photographers from around the world. The idea is to post 12 pictures taken on the 12th of each month and then link the URL to Chad's blog.   I post every second or third day, so my pics are late  this month.

My town is in the middle of some of the most beautiful wilderness to be found anywhere in the world.  However, there has been a serious economic decline here for at least the past thirty years.

This town also suffers from serious social problems as well.  For example, we are in the top 10 for highest rate of violent crime per capita in Canada.  But since this is Canada and not the USA, the weapons of choice are knives, not handguns.

Driving around town today, I was struck how shabby the older commercial / industrial area;  decaying, full of abandoned businesses and industry, rusting equipment and piles of dirty, melting snow.  So this month, I took pictures of some less attractive things in town. 

Sexy Athletes in Spandex

Perv alert!   Perv alert!

My son and I competed in a major cross-country ski race in early February.   I’d done the 30 km event many times but never as a newly-out gay man.   Big difference!!  This time I obsessed over noticed the hundreds of superbly fit men in spandex tights and one-piece skinsuits.  Woof!!


The majority were lean and athletic with the  tight bubble butts and muscular thighs of a cross country skier.   The older guys... late 30s, 40s, early 50s were the most mesmerizing.  Their muscles were a bit beefier and better developed than the skinnier 20-somethings.  OMFG!!!!   Stunning!  (I’m getting hard just writing this account.)

As the race progressed with hottie after hottie zooming past me,  I had superb, close-up views of countless spandex-clad asses, crotches and beefy thighs. Breath-taking!   Incredibly, they all knew how to wear spandex... no sagginess here!  Every single one had his spandex pulled up snugly into his crotch, around each side of his bulge (no split packages!) and firmly into his ass crack.

How could the designer of these suits NOT have been a gay man?  The lighter colours.... yellow, white, powder blue highlighted every bulge and curve.  These colours also revealed the trickle of sweat which, on some, made its way down the small of the back and disappeared between  muscular butt cheeks.  Many suits had abstract patterns designed to accentuate a man’s curves.  My eyes were drawn involuntarily as the design snaked around the torso and bulge, and then disappeared between delicious inner thighs.
   
The ache in my balls got more intense as the day progressed.   I briefly considered taking... er... matters into my own hand in a Port-a-Potty but quickly abandoned that idea as they were  (1) freezing (2) with a huge line-ups of people outside of each (3) so disgusting... I wouldn’t even have used them for their intended purpose.

I wore a pair of black spandex athletic tights ....I think I looked pretty darned good as well!  Quite a few people checked me out but nearly all, sadly, were old ladies in their 50s to 70s.  I thought, “You’re barking up the wrong tree, ladies!!”   However, I was very sure that a number of guys checked me out as well.   During the race, I stepped aside (“gave track” - ski racer’s etiquette) as an early 50ish hottie zoomed by; stunning, lean, muscular body, hot ass, grey flavour saver facial hair).  He yelled, “Way to go!” as he zoomed past and then turned his head fully around and gave my front side the once-over as well. Gosh.... he could not have been more obvious!

At the finish line, I checked out an early 30s hottie standing alone in a black skinsuit.  He looked over for a moment and (I think) checked me out.  We locked eyes briefly, he flashed a beautiful smile and then I moved on.  I had son with me at the time and I’m really not yet ready for a hookup.  When I’m ready, I’ll know!

These pics will give you some idea of what I'm talking about; most are Olympians.  They're "okay", but mere pictures cannot compare to having these athletes standing two feet away from you, breathing heavily, filmed in sweat, manly chests heaving, butt cheeks clenching and unclenching.......

Collateral Damage

Ce Ce, a wife who has just been left by a gay husband after 18 years,  commented on my previous post.  She reminded us how painful the coming-out process was for the wife of the gay man.


The newly-minted gay husband  (like me) is excited, energized, empowered, horny as hell and full of visions of hooking up with hot guys.  He feels liberated from years of living a lie, that of  a "straight"  man;  years of carrying a secret that he didn't want to have.

At the same time, his former wife is devastated and sad.  She may be consumed with hatred and bitterness.  Ce Ce wrote,  "But mostly I am left utterly, completely empty.....  missing the man I still love and was planning on spending the entirety of my life with. 

Ce Ce, I also regret causing you more distress by posting, "To make things more difficult, his wife is aging as well and becoming less attractive to him, particularly if she has had a couple of kids."  After our kids were born, there was just no pleasure for me to be had.  I know that sounds harsh, but the whole point of this blog is to be brutally honest and that was my reality.

Here are some of the feelings of the "wife of....."

1. She is the most angry that the coming-out didn't happen sooner; she could have had a fresh start with another man.
2. She feels like she has been "living a lie" for her entire marriage.
3. She feels like she has wasted the best (most attractive) years of her life.
4. She has been caught by surprise.  "Honey, I'm gay!  Surprise!!!" ....while the gay husband had (perhaps) decades to get used to the idea that he is gay.
5. She blamed herself for years for the lack of intimacy in the marriage;  she wasn't attractive enough, sexy enough or slim enough and becomes enraged when she discovers it wasn't just her all along.
6. The love she once felt for her husband has now turned into hatred;  it's hard to fall out of love.
7. ____________________ Any others?

Fellow blogger Gay Christian Pastor  also discusses all this in his post Collateral Damage;  I borrowed the title...thank you!   


And yet... the gay husband's coming-out opens up the possibility of an exciting new life for the "wife of..."   

The Gay Christian pastor wrote of his wife being  “excited about the future” after his coming-out." His wife said, “If there is a possibility that I can eventually have the kind of love I’ve always wanted, then I’m excited to get out there and find it."   He added, "She desperately wants to be loved by a man who is passionately in love with all of who she is."

Another fellow blogger writing Conflicting Clarity wrote that his wife's new boyfriend is "curling her toes in bed in a way that I never did.   But this time she was talking about more than just sex.  She was talking about the other parts of her life.  Like she suddenly discovered what she was missing." 

In all this, my one deepest regret is the pain that I have caused my wife.   I can't fix it and make it go away;  I can't change history.   Twenty years ago.... even two years ago.... I never in a million years would have believed that I was gay. I'm hoping that in time, she will be able to move on as well.

Options for a Married, Closeted Guy with Kids

For a closeted DILF with young children, there are few options, none of them easy and all of them potentially leading to disaster, heartbreak and a destruction of the family.  I've borrowed some of these options from an excellent post by No Way Out for a SoCal Guy but added own my opinions and experiences.

1. Remain married, closeted, faithful  and have regular sex with your wife:  This is relatively easy for a young, horny married guy in his 20s to do.  The closeted young married man can convince himself that he can do this forever.  However, as us gay/bi married men age, it becomes increasingly difficult to deny our gay side.  To make it more difficult, his wife is aging as well and becoming less attractive to him, particularly if she has had a couple of kids.  Eventually, it becomes nearly impossible for the closeted bi/gay guy to have sex with his angry, aging wife.  The closeted DILF faces a lifetime wasted, wanking off to gay porn in a marriage devoid of any real intimacy or love. 
2. Remain married, closeted, but screw around with men on the side:  In my opinion, living this lie is dishonest, self-destructive for the DILF and is terribly unfair to your wife. Neither party has a real chance to move on.  Being unfaithful is something (I like to think) that I would never have done... but to be completely honest, I might have. "Never" is a very long time indeed.
3. Remain married and be out to your wife, but experience your gay side:   I cannot imagine any woman agreeing to such an "open marriage" but I understand from http://biguyslikeme.blogspot.com/ that as many as 1 in 6 married gay guys have such an arrangement.  If a couple has an honest, mutual agreement with excellent communication, more power to them!  I think, how could this arrangement be emotionally healthy for anyone?   For me,  endless hookups with different guys and would become empty.  Also, what happens when you fall in love with a regular fuck buddy and want a real relationship?
4. Leave his wife and seek a divorce (coming out to her, or not):    This would be extremely painful and traumatic for the entire family.  The DILF faces financial ruin with child support and alimony payments.  He risks being estranged from his children and others in his life.  The DILF worries that his kids will be messed up.  As difficult as this option is, it is the only one which allows both husband and wife to move on with their lives.  Each has a chance to find true intimacy and happiness with others who they can truly love.

Up until a year ago, I was fully prepared to attempt to live the closeted option #1 for the rest of my life, although a transition into screwing around with guys on the side (option #2) was always a possibility.  Although my "outing" was accidental, I now regard it as the best thing that ever happened to me.   Right now, for me, option #4 is the only route for me.

My favourite posts from my favourite bloggers

Sexy bear pic from http://bearofaman.blogspot.com

Things continue to calm down here.  Without revealing the details right now, we've had a couple of conversations this week remarkable for their civility and soul-baring honesty.  Despite the anger which remains, another small step forward ---------------------------------------------------------

Over the past several months, each of the bloggers listed below has treated me with incredible kindness and concern.  Through comments on my blog and private e-mails, each has offered support, compassion, many compliments and much experienced, excellent advice.

Many have expressed concern for me or offered a gentle warning, fearing I may be heading down a wrong path.  Several others have been very proactive and have taken the initiative to search for LGBT opportunities and resources in my community and to advise me to partake of them.

You've enriched my life and made my difficult journey less solitary, more informed and infinitely easier.  Thank you!  I will be forever in your debt.

By way of their blogs, each of  these guys has brightened my day, made me laugh or made me think.  I've  selected some of my favourite past posts.

1. Sean  modelling the Spo-Shirt.  While I loved all his Spo-shirt pictures, it was this picture which caused a stirring in my nether regions:     That sweet smile!  Those manly legs!  Calves to die for!  The best part is Sean's thigh, coyly drawn forward to conceal his manly- bits.
2. Jim's Spo-shirt shower (at the bottom of the post):   a funny, sexy, man with a hot, muscular body, great smile and great rhythm.  An irrisistible combination!   Here is his even sexier half-nekkid shower dance video clip from 2009.  
3. Sean's naked crochet post.  A sweet man, a sweet voice, a crochet project and nudity: the incongruity is just irresistibe!
4. From Blobby's Blog,  Blobby's  and Denton's wedding photo:   A beautiful, inspirational photo of two handsome men in love.
5. Cubby's post "Do Straight Men Exist?":  an interesting post on the spectrum of sexuality which generated many interesting comments.  This was of particular interest me as a formerly "straight" guy on his evolution through bi-curious to gay.
6. The married dad (is it rude for me to call him a DILF?) writing New Day,  New Life is empathetic, self-reflective, intelligent, very funny, horny and deeply concerned the effect his coming out will have on his wife and children.  As well, he is sexy as hell , as this post shows. 
7. RG of Duce Y Pelligroso is the master of sexy, irrepressible comments on other blogs and his own.  Some may be surprised at the depth of his compassion when, as an experienced gay guy, he takes the time to offer guidance and advice to this newbie.  His post "Bloggers With Which I Would Engage in Sex" is classic RG.
8. Dr. Spo is the grandaddy of bloggers:  intelligent, charming, witty and thoughtful.  His multi-post "Guide to Tea" lessons is typical of his quest to educate and entertain his readers.
9. The author of Is There a Way Out for a SoCal Guy? is a mid-40s married father who is gradually making his way out of the closet.  His integrity, thoughtfulness and compassion for his wife are exemplary.  This post is a typical example of his intelligence and self-reflection.

Grocery store DILF, continued

Not the DILF, just a random pic from the internet.

Of all of the gay/bi-married-closeted guys, I think that the younger, closeted DILFs with very young children face the toughest situation of all.

Over a period of many months, the hottie grocery store DILF (described in a previous post) and I would "notice" each other at many neighbourhood events, culminating with his really obvious grocery store checkout of me. The difference this time, I think, was that he knew that I knew.

A few weeks later, I was at our neighbourhood elementary school attending our childrens' talent show.... "talent" used here in the loosest sense of the word.  The grocery store hottie sat down beside me with one empty seat between us:  there were no other seats available.

To digress, hottie DILF was just beautiful;  very slim with a flat stomach, blue eyes, short blonde hair and looking like a more handsome version of Bradley Cooper.   He had the slimmest of hips leading to lovely muscular thighs filling his tight, low-rise jeans deliciously.  The jeans accentuated a beautiful bulge. He looked far better that the open-crotched guy in the picture above.

He slouched with his legs outstretched.  His knees spread wide, hottie DILF sat with an open-crotch pose which suggested that he needed more ball room than his tight pants would allow.  He was good to his jeans;  very good.      Do I sound obsessed?  I certainly hope not...and I don't think I was.  He really was the most stunning man.  The fact that he had noticed me made it an an irresistible combination!

This time his behaviour was quite different.  Although he knew I was sitting there, this time, he refused to meet my eye...... he just stared stonily forwards;  his facial muscles working as he clenched his jaw shut.  Here's my interpretation of the situation:  I could be wrong, but clearly, he'd had enough.  Our mutual checking-out of each other had gone too far.  It was too much of a risk to him.  He was angry and maybe even afraid.

For a closeted, married DILF with young children, there are a few options, none of them easy and all of them potentially leading to disaster, heartbreak and a destruction of the family.

NOTE:  The discussion of these options and my experiences with them will be big topic, so I will make them the subject of my next post in a few days.