Sunday, March 6, 2011

Options for a Married, Closeted Guy with Kids

For a closeted DILF with young children, there are few options, none of them easy and all of them potentially leading to disaster, heartbreak and a destruction of the family.  I've borrowed some of these options from an excellent post by No Way Out for a SoCal Guy but added own my opinions and experiences.
  1. Remain married, closeted, faithful  and have regular sex with your wife:  This is relatively easy for a young, horny married guy in his 20s to do.  The closeted young married man can convince himself that he can do this forever.  However, as us gay/bi married men age, it becomes increasingly difficult to deny our gay side.  To make it more difficult, his wife is aging as well and becoming less attractive to him, particularly if she has had a couple of kids.  Eventually, it becomes nearly impossible for the closeted bi/gay guy to have sex with his angry, aging wife.  The closeted DILF faces a lifetime wasted, wanking off to gay porn in a marriage devoid of any real intimacy or love. 
  2. Remain married, closeted, but screw around with men on the side:  In my opinion, living this lie is dishonest, self-destructive for the DILF and is terribly unfair to your wife. Neither party has a real chance to move on.  Being unfaithful is something (I like to think) that I would never have done... but to be completely honest, I might have. "Never" is a very long time indeed.
  3. Remain married and be out to your wife, but experience your gay side:   I cannot imagine any woman agreeing to such an "open marriage" but I understand from that as many as 1 in 6 married gay guys have such an arrangement.  If a couple has an honest, mutual agreement with excellent communication, more power to them!  I think, how could this arrangement be emotionally healthy for anyone?   For me,  endless hookups with different guys and would become empty.  Also, what happens when you fall in love with a regular fuck buddy and want a real relationship?
  4. Leave his wife and seek a divorce (coming out to her, or not):    This would be extremely painful and traumatic for the entire family.  The DILF faces financial ruin with child support and alimony payments.  He risks being estranged from his children and others in his life.  The DILF worries that his kids will be messed up.  As difficult as this option is, it is the only one which allows both husband and wife to move on with their lives.  Each has a chance to find true intimacy and happiness with others who they can truly love.

Up until a year ago, I was fully prepared to attempt to live the closeted option #1 for the rest of my life, although a transition into screwing around with guys on the side (option #2) was always a possibility.  Although my "outing" was accidental, I now regard it as the best thing that ever happened to me.   Right now, for me, option #4 is the only route for me.


  1. That's the route I took 6 years ago... No regrets but it is never so "cut-and-dry"...

  2. Thanks for commenting, Tom! Gosh, yes, I know that human emotions and relationships are too variable to neatly categorize. In particular, the gay husband / straight wife combination involves a complex powder keg of emotions.

    I write my blog posts and then edit them ruthlessly so they are a short as possible... I presented only a highly simplified version the most basic options.

  3. Just last night at dinner we were having a chuckle about "bi-curious" men. "What is that?" we joked among ourselves. In my brain you either ARE or you AREN'T. It's a little like a woman saying "I'm a little bit pregnant." YOU ARE OR YOU AREN"T. Anything else you're just kidding yourself. Not to be too judgmental but to me this question is a moot point. To think otherwise is to spend a lifetime questioning which way you want to go when the answer is so obvious. I know it's not easy for you. I wish you the best.

  4. I can't help but feel that this post is directed toward me, being the DILF that I am. All kidding aside, it is a really difficult situation to be in and one can always hope that over time, it was all for the best and everyone ends up being happier than they are now - wife, children, and family. It is the short term devastation that prevents people like me from moving forward. But the end result is really dependent on how both the husband and wife handle the situation together.

  5. Ron: I've been pretty clear recently that I now exclusively identify myself as gay. I do agree with you that a guy identifying as "bi-curious" may be delusional; he may be just part-way along in his journey. Indeed, he may never reach the correct conclusion in the end. However, to think that all of the 7 billion people in the world are either 100% gay and 100% straight is equally self-delusional and (no offense) crazy.

    I know your views are set based on being unequivocally, unmistakably gay for 69 years, but Ron, there are people truly in the middle.

  6. MM: Yes and no. I certainly thought of you when writing this post and yes, when I use the term DILF, it is only you who pops into my mind. The post also referred equally to the 14 other bi/gay married/fathers on my blogroll who are all at different stages of their journey.

    Of all these bloggers, I think your situation most closely resembles mine, although your children are much younger. Having younger kids creates even more worry about the impact of all of this on them. Yes, no one knows better than us what a tremendously difficult and complicated situation we're in. There are no easy answers, regardless what my over-simplified list of options might suggest.

  7. You have talked about the effect on children of a divorce, but staying in a marriage which isn't working for you models for the kids that it is okay to stay in a relationship which is often very dysfunctional. I think a divorce can be difficult for the kids, but kids are resilient as well as perceptive. My son said to me: "I am surprised that you guys lasted as long as you did!" For me, the divorce though painful offers long term honesty for generations.

  8. Someday, if we are lucky, our society will advance to the point where our kids can grow up with gay feelings and not have the other children bully and beat it out of them, forcing them so deeply into the closet that they live a false heterosexual life for decades. Once we are accepted, and the bullying of children ceases (and a couple generations pass), there will be no more problems with gay men marrying women and having kids, then having to bust up the family. It's the best outcome for everyone. Why can't straight people see this and make it a point to accept us now?

  9. Glad that my post sparked some thinking. It is an issue that I am struggline with literaly as we speak. I too, tend to think that option 4 is the only option where a gay man can live an authentic life. That is the direction I think I have been heading.

    However, I have been reminded by other "blogger" friends who I both trust and respect that there may be more than one solution...and that I can not figure that out alone. The monologue that has been going on in my head is not wife has to be part of the conversation.

    One small side note, I call my blog "Is there a way out..." as opposed to "No way out..." I only point this out, as I really do think there are answers to the questions I am struggling with. I am desperately trying to find them...

  10. As a matter of general principle, I think spouses are entitled to know about each other's sexual orientation. It is an important part of one's personality, and it has to do with one's fidelity.

    It seems to me that people marry with an idea of who they are and whom they are marrying. If one later finds out he's not the man he thought he was, his wife has a right to know, because he's not the man she committed to. So she is entitled to decide if she wants to be married to the man as he really is.

    This gives rise to another possibility: 1a.) Come out to your wife, and remain married and faithful. Naturally, this requires mutual agreement. It also assumes that a man can either continue having sex with his wife or go without sex (as I have done — but maybe it's easier because I never started). If husband and wife love and care about each other in a way that makes them able to live contentedly together, this might work. It may be that in the days of arranged marriage there were a lot of marriages where the spouses came to love each other without ever being in love.

  11. Just to clarify my previous comment. When I say I've gone without sex, I should be clear that I've also never been married. But I grew up believing that sex was for husband and wife. and I still believe so. Thus having sex with guys was not an option on the table.

    Obviously, for someone who does not consider homosexual activity morally wrong, a decision to refrain from sex with men loses a powerful support which I have for my decision.

  12. Buddy Bear,

    Respectively I have to disagree. I do agree that some of us can delude ourselves into thinking we like one sex over another but in the end that's all it is, deluding one's self. It all has to do with the makeup of the chromosones we're born with. Then add to that societal pressure to fit into the 'norm' which is great. It is not easy, I agree. And I do sympathize with those folks who are still trying to come to terms with this dilemma. But in the end, you're either one way or the other. There is no middle ground. You can't have it both ways. Maybe you think you can, but you can't.

  13. A few words from a wife in this equation. I winced when I read your words about "aging wife" and "after a couple of kids" and "not attracted." Well, I understand that. BUT, here's the rub for me - a wife who has just been left by a gay husband after 18 years. Yes, I am "aging" - I am in my early 40s. Yes, I've had a couple of kids (no bikini for me). No, I am not angry or bitter. I am devastated and sad.

    I am in love with my gay husband. But, I am discouraged. I think most 43 year old women nearly 20 years into a marriage with a couple of kids kind of count on growing old with their hubby. I kind of expected my man would love me enough to overlook (maybe not embrace, but accept) my middle aged, childbearing body.

    Now that he is emerging into his gay identity, where does that leave me? He's just as hot as he was at 25 - a little grey at the temples is about the only change. I'm the one who carried and delivered the babies and skipped yoga and jogging to take care of everyone. I am resigned to the fact that my husband is out realizing his gay identity and I am very likely going to spend the next 40 years alone. I guess that does sound bitter - maybe it is a little. But mostly I am left utterly completely empty.

    I understand the need to be true to oneself and I don't blame any of you. But, please understand how horrific this is for the wife. In my case (lucky for both of us) I am a corporate VP so there's no need for alimony or support or whatever. I don't want any money out of the deal. I am just missing the man I still love and was planning on spending the entirety of my life with. Thanks.

  14. Cee Cee's comment raises a question. Is there any difference, other than orientation, between a husband who leaves a wife to be with another man and one who leaves her for another woman?

  15. All steps have a price; no real growth comes without a cost. We grow in consciousness but we are outcast from something. No exceptions.
    So, keep in mind all choices will have a price.With that said, don't fret too much - eventually the choice will happen one way or another.

    Here is a quote that hangs in my office. It is from Alice in Wonderland.

    "Cheshire-Puss," she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider.

    "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

    "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

    "I don't much care where---" said Alice.

    "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

    "---So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.

    "Oh you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

  16. I'm blown away by the discussion this post has generated! A few responses from me:

    Ron: When I said I believe that bisexual people exist, I wasn't talking about myself as I am now identifying exclusively as gay. I really know nothing about it and so can't present arguments one way or another... All I can do is acknowledge your lifetime of experience and observation in this area and respect your very strong opinion on the matter. Nuff said!

    Cee Cee: Thank you for telling us about what it is like to be the devastated wife of a gay husband. I appreciate your courage, commenting on a topic which is so emotionally charged. It is something that all the bi/gay/married/closeted men readers of this blog need to hear. To do justice to your comment, I will response fully in my next post which will be ready on Monday evening. Thanks again for commenting and reading.

    But for you to say, "I am very likely going to spend the next 40 years alone?" Surely not... I'm sure you have many fantastic qualities. There is a wonderful, loving, exciting, intelligent, available, sexy heterosexual man out there who would be lucky to have you!! In fact, there are a lot of them out there... I know several! You deserve a bit of happiness... just go get it!

    Naturgesetz: Yes, it is infinitely worse to have your husband leave you for another man. More on this (and your other comments) in tomorrow's post.

    Dr. Spo: A valuable contribution as always! Choosing to remain closeted in a loveless, sexless marriage has a cost. Choosing to come out, divorce and split up the family also has a cost.

  17. This post pretty much sums up the choices. None are easy or simple. I know, I've been struggling with this decision for YEARS.

    Ron, Respectfully, but how in the world can a man judge what he does not know? Your comment sounds just like a straight person denying the existence of gay people simply because they have never experienced same-sex attraction. Very audacious and judgmental on your part. I am bi and have had attraction to both genders for as long as I can remember (I'm talking pre-school).

    How would you feel if I told you that YOU do not exist?

    Finally, "Bi-curious" is just that "curious" or exploring, trying to figure things out because one is experiencing new or suppressed feelings.


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