Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Unwanted online attention

On my last post, I expressed some discouragement about coming out in mid-life and having to negotiate my Brave New Gay World at the ripe old age of 51.   Thanks for all the supportive comments, everyone!

One comment came from a early 20s gay guy living in London, Kenn-do, who writes the blog King of My own Land.   Like all hot, young, gay guys living in a major centre, he is bombarded by online messages from older guys, trolling for sex, many of whom won't take "not interested" for an answer.  It must be exasperating for young guys to receive hundreds of explicit and unwanted online proposals.

Several times per day, I receive online messages from men who I'm not interested in sexually.  I generally turn down proposals from cross-dressers, trans-men, those wishing to engage in watersports, tops with monster cocks, men in their 60s and extremely overweight and hairy bears.  But I am I'm re-thinking my views on some of those categories.

I try very hard to be as polite online as I am face-to-face.   I live in a smallish city with an even smaller gay community and I don't want to get a reputation for being rude or cruel. You never know when  you'll need a friend.  In fact, I've become real-life friends with several of the guys I turned down sexually. 

I respond to all these wanted messages with a "No thank you"  or "Sorry, I'm not interested," followed by a brief explanation. That's where the exchange should end.  In the vast majority of the cases, the other guy will respond with one final message, thanking me for my honesty.  But for a young guy who receives hundreds of unwanted messages, such a typed-out rejection would be too time-consuming; ignoring or blocking them probably would be more efficient.

Kenn-do also apologized for using words such as "troll" and "creeper" in his descriptions of these older men. I find you (through your writing) to be intelligent, thoughtful and mature beyond your years.  But, as every older person knows, we age with frightening speed and Kenn-do, you will be an "old troll" before you know it!   Just sayin' ... 

This week, I have received repeated "let's meet" messages from two different guys in their 60s despite a firm "not interested" comment from me.  It's awkward to be constantly receiving messages from them at all hours of the day or night and on different hookup sites.  Rather than blocking them, I am now ignoring their messages.

I have learned much during my 2.5 years on the gay hookup sites.  I hope that will never be accused of  being an online creeper because  I NEVER initiate messages online to guys of any age, although I admit, my views on this might change as I get older.  I  get more than enough attention from guys seeing me out online.  Also, I avoid a lot of online rejection because clearly, the men are already interested in me if they choose to send a message.  

On occasion when I get dumped online, I never persist sending repeated messages to re-establish contact.  I send one message only and if the guy is interested, he will let me know.  Repeated messaging is just annoying, stalker-ish and in the end, needy and pathetic.


  1. smart thinking, dear buddybear. let the big head rule wisely, and the little head will be rewarded.

  2. I enjoy your always honest writing, Buddy. And today's pics are extra hot!

  3. You are so right...I try to be the same, but sometimes I persist. (Cubby might agree.)

    BTW, I really love those pics...especially the kilted one. Something about a guy in a kilt -- wearing it right -- mmmmmmmm.

  4. As one of the bathhouses in Phoenix says on their website: "Yes, Virginia, one day you will be old, too." It's important to remember that when turning down the ones who are "too old." Do it gently and be kind - because some day it will be you on that end of the stick.

    Have a super day!

    1. Yes, I am extremely kind and respectful to everyone especially older guys. I explain to them that I've already done the "older partner" thing with my wife who was 7 years older and that it didn't work for me.

      Throughout nearly my whole marriage, I wished I had a partner who could join me in my activities, skiing, snowboarding, running, kayaking, sailing etc. I just got tired of doing everything alone. I've never met an older guy who could keep up with my activities, especially in the longer term.

      When I started down this gay hookup / relationship path all I wanted was to find a man exactly my age (now 51) as I felt that had the best chance of a compatible relationship. Naïve in the gay world, I know, and I might have to re-think this idea.

  5. haha wow ok no i don't receive hundreds of messages a day that's extremely far from the truth.

    i also live in singapore ;)

    1. Hey handsome young dude! Sorry, I can't imagine why I thought you lived in London! LOL. My best university friend was from Singapore. There's a very interesting racial mix in that country, I heard, and many hot guys.

      I might not have meant hundreds of messages per day.... but I'll bet you receive hundreds in a month?

    2. Haha yeah, hundreds a month is about right for jackd. It's kinda lame because Singapore is small so I usually just receive repeated messages, but when I was in the states that was pretty fun.

      And nah there's only one hot guy in Singapore ;)

  6. I love whkattk's comment "Yes, Virginia, one day you will be old, too." And may I add: "If you're lucky."

    1. Thanks, Jeffrey! Yes, I know that I'll be old all too soon. Believe me, with my spinal arthritis, I feel my age every day.

      But I'm lucky to be growing older. I consider every extra year I live to be a blessing, having survived (30 years ago) a "massive involvement" of an advanced-stage, metastatic, malignant melanoma. Even in 2013, the survival rate of this is <5%.

    2. You are blessed, then. I just discovered your blog and I can see that you're a kind and gentle person. Best regards...
      Just call me Rick, married to another gentleman.

  7. Very smart. No matter your age we will always find people that want us.

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