What do I want?
After being in a sexless marriage for 15 years, I spent 2012 wallowing in my sexual encounters with men. Some of my encounters have been less-than-perfect but the vast majority have been fantastic, at least by my inexperienced standards.
Every now and then, I think that I'm ready to move past casual hookups and to end my slut phase. But I know for sure that I'm not yet ready to settle down with just one guy. Every casual trip to the grocery story proves that to me .... I lust after every other man who walks by and imagine him writhing in pleasure as I suck his cock. And if I haven't been with a man for three or four days, these urges become all-consuming.
Even with casual hookups, the other guy and I usually manage to create some degree of the intimacy I crave. That is partially because I only accept hookup offers with men who are willing to kiss and cuddle, things I absolutely love and consider essential.
Arranging hookups online can be extremely time-consuming and a colossal pain in the rear. Some guys require endless chatting and reassurances before I can reel them into my bed. And a great many men with no experience at all (either in their early 20s or married guys in their 40s or 50s) just want to exchange sexy chat but are not ready to consummate the deal.
I would be open to sex with a regular fuck buddy a couple of times per week but a suitable candidate has not yet emerged. All I'd need is a reasonably-fit, sane, single, passionate, aggressive, sexually-skilled man (aged 35 to 55) who is able to host. Am I asking for the stars here?My main problem was (and remains) that I can rarely host and turn down far more offers I can accept. But when my divorce is final in a couple of months, I will be able talk more openly to the kids when I'm entertaining men.
My 2013 sex goals, in the purely physical sense, are:
- Continue to increase my skills and confidence as a top. I've recently discovered that tops are in great demand!
- Despite my lack of comfort with being bottom, I am determined to keep trying. My men get such enormous pleasure when I top them that I'm envious; I want to experience that as well.
- If a fuck buddy emerges with a number of the qualities listed above, I will be open to that opportunity!
- Suck as many cocks as possible, preferably thick, uncut ones. I'm certain that I'm already an expert at this.
- I need to start saying "No" to married men. I'm not entirely comfortable being "The Other Man" and besides, they're usually in their 50s with a big bellies and are impossible to schedule.
- I will continue to say "yes" to the offers I receive from men in their 20s without feeling guiltly. They message me to have sex with them, not the other way around. They are fun, uncomplicated, energetic, sexually adventurous, horny as hell and have beautiful bodies. Why the hell not?
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i love ur blog. damn, ur sexy!
ReplyDeleteAt what point do you stop saying phase and just accept that you're sexually alive and healthy? At what point do you realize you are no longer inexperienced? I'm still asking myself these questions. ;)
ReplyDeleteRegarding goal #2 and bottoming, that pleasure you see your partner experience as a btm? It's because of you, as a top, and he sees the same pleasure in you that he, as a btm, has given to you. You may never, ever feel that degree of pleasure as a btm just as most btms will never feel the thrills you give them as a top. It's just the way people are wired.
It's great to be open to new sexual experiences and it has been said that a great top has been a good btm but maybe let the btming come to you, maybe with that FB or in a LTR? I like to quote my friend Shaun, "I do you and you do me." Flip flopping sexual positions is so much better then flip flopping political one.
I (we all) look forward to you attaining your 2013 Goals!
Sean: excellent points!
ReplyDeleteThis business of having sex with many different guys, sometimes in the same week, is very foreign to me. |This is the only time in my life that I haven't been 100% monogomus and it something that I'm not completely comfortable with. So, I do still refer to this as a "phase" because I won't be this promiscuous forever.
I would describe myself as "semi-experienced" but I know that I need to acquire much more skills especially regarding anal sex, before I consider myself really, really good at it.
As to your comment about "flip-flopping" with a special person in my life, I agree completely! I think that by learning how to bottom, that will make me a much better top. All on good time!!
Sean's last point is right on the mark. Flipping is really the best, a total sharing experience between men.
ReplyDeleteAs for the guys in their 20s, I am glad you've stopped feeling any unease about that. As long as it's of legal age, there is nothing wrong with intergenerational homosex. You've got what they want, they've got what you want, just do it -- it's another one of the blessings of being gay!
Your resolutions are far more interesting than mine, which are mostly about giving up bad habits and and remembering to drink more water. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou`re too funny! Maybe you should add a more exciting resolution, such as eating more bran to improve the quality of your bowel movements.
DeleteOh I did that one last year/met.
DeleteActually I have a few resolutions of your ilk, but I daren't print them on line.
That is good to hear that you had some XXX resolutions!
DeleteYes, that is the advantage of having a faceless, anonymous blog. As a teacher and parent in a smallish community, I would NOT be able to write about the majority of what I post if my name was known.
Interesting site. Two comments. To the extent you lied to your wife and did not disclose your homosexuality before marriage, you must take whatever she wants to give and say, "yes mam, can I have another." You committed fraud and though she would be wise to accept what is and move on, you have no right to make that a demand. As for your list of sex goals, I find them amusing. A virgin since the day I was born, I turned 50 this last year. I have always been attracted to men physically but that almost everything else, including their Satyr inclinations (cue, look in the mirror), repulses me. I watch more than my share of porn, not for the sex. But, in the vein hopes that the two models are into each other, make out like a couple of teenagers and get me off. In fact, I like to say if a porn scene is done well, I am ready for bed before the models lose nothing more than their shirts. As for male genetalia, the best thing that can be said about it is that, if present, in represents the absence of other. I wish you the best as your journey moves forward. Take care and God bless!
ReplyDeleteJust to make one correction: my wife knows that when I married at 28, I wasn't aware that I had a M2M attraction. In fact, when we separated, I had never been with a man, never been unfaithful and still considered myself straight.
ReplyDeleteIt was not "fraud", but I will admit that my lack of understanding that I was gay was probably due to lack of knowledge and experience and a deep-seated denial. I didn't not actually experiment with a man until a year AFTER we separated.
But I don't think living a life without sex with another person is an option for most people.
Thank you for filling in the blanks. Note that I said "if" when I described what I considered fradulent behavior. And, the fact that you did not have sex with others until your were separated form your wife speaks highly of your character. Good for you!
DeleteI completely agree with your final statement. All this compromise has led to so many abortions, neglected and abused children once they are born, divorces, illicit affairs, death (from AIDS and other related illnesses), poor fatherless families -- need I go on -- because of our human obsession with getting laid without consideration for the humanity and eternal souls of others. That I have avoided all this -- at the cost of largely ignoring a mere basic animal drive -- I consider a blessing. Thank you, sir, for your time.
Thank you for your kind and inciteful words. I will admit, however, that it was also a lack of courage and a fear of getting caught which kept me from being unfaithful to my wife, not just a moral conviction.
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