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More divorce drama; just a little, anyway. A close work colleague commented: "You should just expect erratic behaviour from your wife. Then when she behaves normally, that would be just a pleasant surprise."
Five days ago, my wife and I agreed to instruct our law firm to file jointly for an uncontested divorce. With a joint filing and the signed Separation Agreement, our divorce would have been finalized in one month.... basically a rubber stamp.
The firm had already started to prepare the paperwork for a joint filing and had suggested that we sign it separately to avoid a face-to-face meeting. Two days later, my wife emailed the law firm at 11:00 pm to say that she would NOT be filing for divorce, with no prior discussion with me or the firm. WTF?
So ..... I will be filing for divorce by myself next week but this route will take three months to complete.
I can't imagine the reason for this flip flip but I won't be phoning to ask her about it. I think the reasons listed below are all equally likely:
- She wants to remain on my benefits for an extra two months before she has to pay on her own.
- She's not ready to 'let go' and needs more time to emotionally prepare for our final divorce.
- A continuation of her attitude: "None of the problems in our marriage were my fault; why should I have to file?"
- She's attempting to get out of paying the final $1,700 fee for the divorce. Our Agreement specifies that each of us pays 50% of the cost, but if she reneges on this (as I expect her to), I will have to go through my lawyer to her lawyer to recover that money.
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As a result, she'll never move on to an exciting, happy new life. She will "do battle" regarding our obligations in our Agreement until it ends 6.5 years from now. Sorry, I'm not normally this pessimistic but that's my view at this moment.
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I've been chatting quite a bit lately with an interesting local guy who I met on pof.com. He's 47, two years out of a relationship, fully out, good-looking, successful and has ambitions and long-term goals. He's also close to his family ..... he has an older foster son, supports his disabled brother and bought the house next door for his parents.
When I say "chatting", I mean in the old-fashioned sense by talking on the telephone.
We plan to meet in person soon but so far, our work and family obligations and some hesitancy on my part have prevented this from happening. I am hesitant because he is the first local guy I've met who might seriously be "marriage material" and I'm just not ready for that. It is so much easier to hook up with my 22 year old chew toys; all fun and games with no serious thought or decisions required.
After last night's conversation, he sent me this message on POF:
My new friend: Thanks for the opportunity to talk. You have a warmth to your voice. And a inflection of sexuality.
Buddy Bear: Thanks! I really enjoyed chatting with you as well. As to the "inflection of sexuality", I know that I have a bit of a gay-sounding voice.
My new friend: I was referring to your voice in the manner of someone who can talk pillow talk, the kind of voice that can bring you to orgasm with out even touching....... :)
Too funny! But **blush** I know that he's right.
It seems like the legal wrangling of this divorce has gone on for years. I shudder to think what it cost!
ReplyDeleteI know mine is costing a lot. But I get final agreement in the mail this week. So end in sight.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. My ex and her lawyer fought and played hardball. And my obligations go for 3 more years plus alimony forever. We never talk or see each other; just short e-mails. It's better that way.
ReplyDeleteRG: It seems like "forever" but we first started with the lawyers only eight months ago with the government-required mediation.
ReplyDeleteBut the rest has been going on a while: she found out I like guys three years ago, we've been separated for two years. To our credit, we never became adversarial with lawyers, ever. It is VERY rare that divorcing couples can achieve this. We were strongly committed to keeping our family assets intact to ensure our financial future and that of the kids.
As a result, our divorce costs were cheap, cheap, cheap. Rock bottom! Locally, most divorces cost $20,000 or more and adversarial ones can approach six figures.
My total lawyers' bills will be around $3,000, with roughly one-third each for: (1) the lawyer-mediator session (2)to my own lawyer to review the Agreement and (3)the fees to file for divorce and take it through the courts. My wife's laweyers fees would be similar to that; probably a little bit less.
Skier: Congratulations!
Paul: Thanks for sharing! Yes, face-to-face meetings and even phone calls are now very difficult for my wife. It's texting all the way! I am fortunate because my spousal support ends in 6.5 years when I read the retirement age which my wife is now.
You know, you have no obligation to marry interesting local guy, no obligation to have sex with him (albeit he's definitely dropping hints), no obligation to anything. It's your call. BUT I do remember your saying occasionally that you might like to have some gay friends, and he could be one.
ReplyDeleteGiven our exchange one or two blog posts ago, I am not at all surprised by your ex's latest ploy. You are so good at remaining on an even keel through this all, just keep it up a little longer and it will all be over. You know we're all pulling for you. Even if we can't hear your warm voice with inflections of sexuality (sounds a bit like wine criticism! :-)
Thanks again, Will, for your wise advice! If nothing else, I think he would make great "gay friend" material.
DeleteWhat I like is that he's not closeted or shy about his gayness. He knew he was gay in early adolescence and came out to all his friends and family at 21 and they were and remain highly supportive.
I agree with Will - don't jump past the dateable material and the relationship material right to the marriage material. Although, I will admit how surprised I am at the number of long term (10-20 years) male couples I've met and known, were for one or both, it was their first relationship and the number of men, who declared their need to stay away from marriage material until they sewed their oats, only to meet the perfect person and live happily ever after.
ReplyDeleteAs you emerge from being a straight married man to a gay not-out-until-divorced-but-totally-comfortable-being-gay-and-having-lot-of-sex-and-can't-wait-until-I can-tell-the-world man maybe you need to step back every now and then and look what eyes you use to see your new world. Are you still looking at it through the eyes of a straight man? of the eyes of a gay man? of the eyes of a man?
Gay men have different definitions and boundaries for relationships which can be significantly different from straight couples and lesbian couples and even from other gay male couples.
Sean, you have stated something in which I believe very firmly: we're gay, it's different here, we make the rules. Man by man, couple by couple, it's for us to decide for ourselves how we live in the world and how we build our relationships. Another one of the gifts given to LGBT folk.
DeleteSean: I must admit, the distinctions between "dateable", "relationship" and "marriable" material are lost on me. As well, I know NOTHING about the "definitions and boundaries for relationships" between gay men.
ReplyDeleteA slight correction: while I know the "coming out" process never actually ends, I do consider my "out" .... well, at least 80% out. The main exception is that I am not out to most of my students.
As to the question, "WHAT EYES DO YOU USE TO SEE MY NEW WORLD?" I don't have a clue; I barely understand what the question is referring to! It should be the subject of a future post.
While I no longer look at the world as a straight man, it is possible that I view dating, relationships and marriage in a traditional, heterosexual way. I don't know for sure.
anne marie: thanks for your consistent support, sweetie!
ReplyDelete"I have a bit of a gay-sounding voice." I'm not sure what you mean by that. We've spoken a few times on the phone and spent an entire afternoon together. I didn't hear anything that was "gay-sounding". However, the way you say the word "about" makes my cock ROCK HARD! If ever you wanted to give me a gift, just call me and say that word over and over till I explode all over myself ;-)
ReplyDeleteSo sorry there's been a wrench (or is that wench) thrown into the works. I've seen plenty of divorces that are so acrimonious that it's amazing anyone came out alive, so I guess in that respect yours has been much, much better. But I think your reasoning for her change of heart is spot on, it's probably a combination of all of that. Hopefully, her lawyer can talk sense to her (or maybe not, I guess he makes more if he's on retainer for a longer time). Ugh, I hope it just gets finished ASAP as I am sure you want, too.
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
It's like that game DO. DUMP or MARRY. Dateable means just that, have a date and see where it goes. Relationship mostly means past the dating stage to meeting friends and family, being seen as a coupe and defining your relationship - open, exclusive, etc. Then there's moving in together and then marriage. You almost never mention anything between just sex (hook ups or FBs) and marriage. I think we all do that when we see some one for an instant but then we think about the steps that lead there. I don't see you exploring those steps. Maybe you do but they don't make it into the posts.
ReplyDeleteI know you're mostly out and completely understand and agree with the process and progress you are making. Much like when suggested just saying slut phase instead of gay slut phase, I ask if you look at or think of dating and relationships as a straight man or as a gay man. You'll find that there is very little difference but were there are differences they can be huge!
You're a very intelligent man and very well grounded and adjusted. Just keep doing what you're doing, you're instincts have served you well. It's amazing to follow your journey - everyone should be so lucky.
SEXY. You're sexy too. Very Sexy.
Sean: I want you to know how much I value your excellent advice and the time you take to offer it. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI've had extremely limited experience in dating (from my "straight" days) and all of it happened well over twenty years ago. I can say that I really know nothing about it, heterosexual or homosexual. I plan to follow your dating suggestions above and those which will be made in the future.
One of the main reasons that I enjoy my hookups with the 22 year old men is that there is NO chance of getting serious, having to decide whether or not they are LTR material or worse yet, having them become infatuated with me. And yes, that has happened to me many times over the years.
Thank you for your confidence in me. Yes, my journey has been amazing and it's been a gift to look back at my two years' of blogging to see how far I've come.
As to your "sexy" complement. Thank you! In my rumpled, disheveled way, I really do know it. It comes not from my appearance but my life experience and self-confidence. In particular, I am particular proud of my skills in getting into a man's pants and pleasuring him.
I wonder if I would be very different if the Husband and I divorced (a same-sex divorce). Probably not. The only way he's leaving me is in a box :)
ReplyDeleteAfter all, then I wouldn't be the Gay Groom... I'd just be the Gay Old Guy!
Think you'll ever march back down the aisle with a man?
I'm not sure what you mean; different in what sense? Well, same-sex divorces do happen, that's for sure! And yes, I do think that I might get married again, but this time to a man.
ReplyDelete