Monday, June 18, 2012

Father's Day 2012

I often think that I'm the luckiest gay guy in the world to have such fantastic children.  Many gay men do not have this opportunity.  Michael-in-Norfolk discussed this in his post, "The Gift of Being Gay and a Dad ."

The greatest fear of many closeted, married men (other than being financially ruined) is that if they come out to their families, they will be shunned by their children.   I never worried about that with my children mainly because my wife was something of an 'absentee' parent.   I did the bulk of the child-rearing and the running of the household throughout their lives.

Although my wife strongly disputes this claim, this is also the view of everyone who knows us;  my wife's mother in particular, my family, close friends and neighbours.   As a result, my children and I are (I think) very close. 

As I did throughout our marriage, my kids are now dealing with my wife's anger and bossiness.  Due to her crushing lack of self-esteem, she has to be right all the time.   I believe that people like her, those who need to get their own way all the time will end up being alone.   The kids complain about this behaviour constantly and are highly unsympathetic to her plight.  I've given up trying to act as a referee, trying to make excuses for her.  I can't save her from herself!

I spent this Father's Day with my three children, our three dogs and my soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law who are all staying with me.*   A bit hectic but in a good way!  The younger two kids cooked me a special breakfast on Sunday and my oldest will cook my favourite supper on Monday; we'll also invite my parents as well.  Their presents to me were, at my request, plants and culinary herbs for the garden.

*My son (15) lives with me full time and has had no contact at all with his mother in a month;  no texts, e-mails, phone calls or face-to-face encounters.  If anything, the animosity between them has worsened and I don't see that changing any time soon.

My two daughters now split their time evenly between the two households but my middle daughter will soon be living with me full time for the summer... my new house is on the water, after all!   My oldest daughter will live at my wife's house on her work days and spend her days off with me.  This is mainly because my house is some 45 minutes drive her workplace;  she's not going to commute!

These pictures of sexy Daddies come from Sean's new blog Men.   Beautiful!  Sean pointed out recently that he and I have the similar tastes in men and I think he's correct!


  1. Happy Father's Day and thanks for the shout out!

  2. Men is a lovely site, but I had to go to Sean's site to get there as the above link doesn't seem to be working.

    Glad you had a good Fathers Day. You're obviously one hell of a Father (and also probably a very good Daddy these days as well, but that's a different story ;-). The situation between my ex and my daughters is virtually the same as yours: one who has broken all contact and the other who keeps polite but not enthusiastic contact from a distance. We're lucky men.

    1. Will, thanks for commenting! I agree with you about me being an good father and a good daddy. :-) I've corrected the link to Sean's new blog, by the way.

  3. Your children are lucky to have such an involved dad. My father-in-law came out to his wife and two kids when my husband was 16 (early 80s). The family separated peacefully and dad disappeared from his kids' lives, despite a desire by my husband to keep in contact. Over the years, my husband has tried to re-establish contact and rebuilt their relationship, but his dad has decided that his two kids are better off without him. He was gay and that meant he couldn't be a good parent any more. We respect his wish for no contact. Still, it's heart-breaking knowing that at the time he came out, my father-in-law felt he needed to build a wall between himself and his kids to protect them from having a gay dad.

    I've been reading your blog for a few months now. While I've no doubt this process of separating from your wife, picking up the pieces and moving on is a tough process, it is encouraging to hear that some dads don't have to make the even tougher choice between coming out and keeping their kids. It's encouraging knowing that were moving away from the idea that gay men and parenting don't mix.

    Keep your kids close, stay in their lives and be their dad. They will be the better for it. It's been almost 30 years since my husband had any meaningful contact with his father and to this day, a piece of him still misses his dad dearly.

    1. Thanks for commenting with such a valuable story. Fantastic advice which I intend to follow!

  4. I am not out and a dad to two great kids. I think my younger has suspected for years. But I enjoy the companionship of my wife. This is a great page and great comments!

    1. Thanks for commenting! I'm wondering why you think your youngest suspects and how old he/she is. And if one kid suspects then surely other people must as welll, including your wife....


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