Thursday, November 24, 2011

Breakdown

http://toomuchsexy.org/index/weblog/comments/crying_men/

My wife has broken down in tears and had to leave work countless times over the past two years. On Monday, it happened to me for the first time ever.

Since the kids moved out of my house two days before, my emotions had been pretty raw. I had mainly been alone the whole time with the dogs. In our decisions about the division of furniture, I had previously agreed that my wife could have a couple of very nice antiques which had been wedding presents.

With some trepidation, I opened an e-mail from my wife in the staff lunchroom, surrounded by colleagues and interns. It was a page-long e-mail, remarkable for its kindness and generosity. She offered me numerous items which I had previously said could be hers; our best mattress (because of my spinal problems), the new computer and one of the "wedding present" antiques.

She said:  "Since we got them on our honeymoon and I think you should have at least one of them. After all, we both got lots out of our marriage and on the whole it was pretty good and we have three beautiful/handsome children."

My eyes welled up and within seconds, I was weeping uncontrollably.... a rarity for me.  It was first really positive comment after years of poison, criticism, hatred and verbal abuse.   An acknowledgement that there were was some good things in our marriage.   I showed the e-mail to my best friend at work who insisted that I was in no condition to remain.  I fled the crowded building leaving many of puzzled and concerned colleagues in my wake.

I went out and drove around in my car for a couple of hours crying uncontrollably the whole time.   Such is the nature of our jobs that we cannot just leave.... there has to be someone in our place every minute doing the work so colleagues and interns filled in for me.   In the end, I took the entire next day off as well. 


Two days later, I felt able to phone my wife and thank her for her kind words.  We both ended up sobbing uncontrollably yet again over the phone.  It was just too intense but agreed that our crying spell was a good thing.

It really is very difficult and complicated ... this business of falling out of love with someone and getting divorced.  What makes it worse  (or perhaps better,  I suppose) is that we still care for the other despite all the hurt and the erratic behaviour.

13 comments:

  1. I was worried at the title. But I see it's all good. Take care of yourself. I know you do!

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  2. Hey, it was bound to happen some time. You have been SO strong over the months. You aren't superman you know. As wcs said it is all good and you have done amazing.

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  3. Oh Buddy, I'm feeling for you.

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  4. I have walked in your shoes and it is so, so difficult. There were many times in my coming out/building a new life journey where I found myself in tears. That said, having passed the decade mark since I came out to my former wife, I can assure you that it does get better. I have a wonderful relationship with my three children and slowly things are headed towards a better situation with the former wife. Hang in there.

    Michael

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  5. And through this pain, something new is being born.

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  6. Thanks everyone, for all your support! I guess I should have said "melt-down." It really was a positive thing which happened.

    Today, my wife apologized for triggering this episode but pointed out that it might have been a good thing for me to release my emotions at this point.

    Michael-in-Norfolk: thank you for commenting! I've followed your blog as a role model and an inspiration for many years, long before I even imagined / admitted that I was gay. It is very good to hear that you and your children have a great relationship and that (after 10 years!) things are improving with your wife.

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  7. Tears, no matter for what reason, are always good! They release stress and enable us afterward to look at things from another, usually more positive perspective.
    Everything will be fine in the end!
    Hugs
    Jon

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  8. anne marie in phillyNovember 24, 2011 at 7:55 PM

    {{{{{hugs}}}}}

    I wish I could put my arms around you fer reals instead of this way...mourn what was and look forward to a bright future.

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  9. Warm hug from New Hampshire. Take care of yourself -- what happened was necessary and inevitable and you were wise to go with it. Build your new future from here.

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  10. Besides a good poop, nothing is more cathartic than a good old-fashioned crying spell. It was a long time in the coming - the crying, not the poop.

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  11. Sounds like a breakthrough for both you and your wife. I so hope healing can really begin. Hugs to you!

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  12. Thank you, everyone. I love you all!

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