Monday, August 27, 2012

The Seven Year Itch

Jaysonstreet of Guys Like Me recently posted the best analysis I've ever read on the dilemma faced by gay and bi men who are married to women.   Please read his post and this excellent NY Times article on the subject.  

"They fall in love with their wives, they have children, they're on a chemical, romantic high, and then after about seven years, the high falls away and their gay identity starts emerging,"

Only the timing varies.  I was in the third group described by Jayson, going into marriage at the age of twenty-eight with "no prior self awareness of an attraction to men."  In seven short years, I went from having a true emotional and physical attachment to my wife, complete with feelings of lust,  to having those feelings  decline and eventually disappear altogether.  As Jayson wrote, "Soon we find we are masturbating to thoughts or images of men, and then confirming our secret yearnings with porn."    It's who I really was.

My first really obvious gay Ahah! moment came at the age of thirty-five (married exactly seven years!), sitting poolside at a big city hotel with my wife and kids, aged five, three and one.   We were joined at the  pool by a dozen or more young men who had been competing in an international soccer tournament.   

I can't adequately describe the inner turmoil, my conflicting feelings of confusion, lust and fear as the French team settled down near us.  They were all beautiful, athletic young men in their early 20s, with beefy soccer player thighs and flat bellies, all wearing black Speedos which showed off their delicious curves, front and back.   I felt an unrelenting ache in my balls, a slight stiffening of my cock and my stomach which was twisted in knots as I tried to conceal my interest from my wife sitting beside me.  

I could never have imagined that in 15 years, I would be having sex with young men like these (but perhaps less athletic) on  a regular basis.   

This Sex in the City II clip of the Australian rugby team brings it all back to me.   I love watching those bouncing cocks... mesmerizing!


  1. Thanks for the reference, and for sharing this story of yours which confirms the "seven year itch" phenomenon. I wonder if you ever tried using therapy to figure any of this out, not to change the direction, but to better understand yourself. I have been following your blog a long time and link to it. Your coming out and now living alone and free to pursue your gay identity is courageous but was also the logical resolution of your particular marriage. Now as I watch you go through the stage of trying out lots of men, and finding young guys attracted to you and you to them, this reminds me of my own audacious plunge into lots of A4A hookups, and the amazement that I could attract and enjoy sex with a lot of fit, good looking, sexy guys.

    Soon however this became hollow and so many of those men had their own personality issues and quirks, so when I found one wonderful man and we became regular lovers, I felt like I had progressed to the next stage. I hope you can make that transition too. Many men going through the liberated gay exploration stage, no matter how old, are like teens again...and there is a lot of fun in being a teen on the make. Enjoy it as much as you can while you figure out what you really need long term.

    1. Hi Jayson! I did have a couple of sessions 2.5 years ago with an older therapist just after my wife found gay porn on my computer. He wasn't extremely knowledgeable about the issues surrounding bi-gay-married men but I found the sessions invaluable. I don't feel I need to see a therapist now and have no plans to do so.

      But I found huge reassurance when he told me that in his practice, he sees MANY men who experience a growing same-sex attraction as they approach their forties. He also felt that one's sexuality is constantly evolving as we age. He offered the sensible, if cautious, advice to not go overboard with changing my persona as a newly-minted gay man. He'd seen clients run out and radically change their style of clothing and hair, get jewelry and tattoos and abandon their family responsibilities. In doing so, they risked losing the support of family, friends and work colleagues.

      Yes, I am still in my slut phase but can see that I will tire of it sooner rather than later. But for how, I'm wallowing in it without any guilt whatsoever! I much prefer my fun-filled hookups with the 20-something guys as they are much less likely to have personality issues / hangups, when compared to the gay guys in their 40s and 50s.

      I fully expect to find myself in a LTR with a special guy in future, when I’m ready and NOT as a rebound situation. I also hope to get legally married again one day to a special guy.

  2. Funny how our journeys are unique... and that's part of what makes us interesting. I knew I liked guys from the first time I was in a man's locker room :) I am sure it will all work out with the ex.

    PS Skip the tattoo ;)

  3. People ask me how I could be in denial for so long. I don't think people realize how much we don't want to accept being different. Now that I'm out, I realize the only person I really hurt was myself. At 59, I cannot do nearly the things I could have done at 37 when I first came close to coming out. Being able to openly make comments that I have wanted to for so long feels so good. The other night, I had friends over for a movie. I was able to sit and cuddle on the couch with my guy and not even the straights in the room flinched. It was amazing.

  4. Skier, let me assure you 59 is FAR from the end of the line for a smart, experienced gay man.

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