Saturday, February 12, 2011

What do you want?

This question was asked of me quite a few times over the past year by a variety of people.   At the time, I did not know what I wanted.  Actually, I still thought that my marriage was salvageable and I could live a married life with some degree of intimacy.  I would just not act on my same sex attraction.  This is no longer possible;  there is no salvaging this marriage!

I  always gave an evasive non-answer.  "I want my kids to come out of this not all screwed up.", " I want my wife to be happy." etc.  The questioner would then repeat the question more forcefully, "What do YOU want?"  I wouldn't answer honestly.

Finally, I now know the one thing which I want more than anything:   a divorce.  I just want to be free of the drama, conflict and bitterness.  Although our conversations over the phone can be quite civil, during face-to-face meetings, the hurt, bitterness, personal attacks and hatred often come spilling out.  I understand why these feelings are there, but they make communication and planning for our future impossible.

I plan to talk to a therapist soon.  I hope to find out what can one person do to get another to move past these negative emotions and to begin talking constructively.  We have to be talking to each other if there is any hope of ending with the best possible outcome for everyone in the family.

I know time will help, but I fear this will require a very, very long time indeed.


  1. Very brave post... and brave step in your life. You deserve to be happy... and what you may find is that your desire to make others happy around you will will be a self-fulfilling prophecy when you, yourself, are finally happy. It's not going to be an easy journey, but definitely one worth taking. Good luck. Thanks for sharing :)

  2. I am so glad to have you staring this blog, and adding to the community of bi male bloggers trying to figure out where to go with our feelings for men. Your own having come out to your wife does set you apart, and clearly much is raw and confusing and even scary for now. The fact that now you are convinced the only resolution is divorce, but are also talking of therapy, means you are still trying to figure this out and seeking advice which is essential. There are resources like the forum Bi Married Men of America where other men that have been down your path share stories and try to support one another. In addition, Rob of Bi Married Mafia might be of help - he also came out to his wife and they have actually worked through a lot of this although they both admit this is all a new frontier and a work in progress. Her post on his site, in December, is a must read. I wish you well in sorting this out and commend you for sharing it by blogging. And I want to link to you also, having only discovered you today.

  3. D@vid: thank you for your sweet comments and support! means a lot to me.

    Jaysonstreet: there are "gaps" in my blogged story which I will fill in time. I may never have had the courage come out to my wife on my own; the discovery was accidental.

    Our marriage had many years of serious difficulties before the bi/gay thing reared its ugly head: I would be seeking a divorce even I was 100% straight. My being gay, however, made everything infinitely more painful for my wife.

    Thanks for the bi-married links and adding my blog to your blogroll. It is much appreciated!!

  4. I agree with David that you need to be happy and that will reflect on others around you.

    Divorce sounds like the best outcome. I think it would bring closure for her. And that will make the moving on process easier.

    Isn't it great knowing that others are out there experiencing something similar?

  5. Here's hoping you can find a way to settle things in a way that is somehow helpful for all concerned. Maybe what that means is that I hope your wife will be reasonable. And maybe that's a tall order.

    Anyway, best wishes.

  6. Great post and great philosophy (if you haven't read The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz yet, I strongly recommend it) That book and my therapist got me through a lot of the drama, hate, and feelings I had as I came out 5 years ago!

  7. Having been through this when my children were around the age of yours may I suggest you come out to your kids on your own rather than letting the hurt wife tell them. Your relationship with them should be based on the bond you yourself make with them. Honesty is a good place to begin. Surprisingly the kids today are more prepared to accept this than previous generations ever were! My wife was an M&M (mental and manipulative) even before she found out! Kids all told me a year after the split how nice it was to come home to happy parents even if they were in two different places! Good luck!

  8. I think making as many contacts as you can with similarly situated men is one of the best things you can do.

  9. Tom: Thanks! Our public library has four copies, all signed out! Must be an excellent book. I've placed a hold on it, so I can start reading it next week.

    Cubby: Thanks to you, my incredibly supportive online friend and most faithful commenter.

    Rex: Thanks for the support and fantastic advice, based on experience! Actually, I came out to my kids and to my parents weeks ago. They all were highly supportive. After some time has passed, they continue to be even more supportive than ever. I had two posts on this which I temporarily removed, but will repost eventually... the details were just too revealing!

    I deal with a bit of M & M (but thankfully, only the first "M" and not all the time at that), but it would be unfair for me to discuss it this blog should be about me, me, me. I fully expect that "happier parents in different homes" will happen for us.


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