My evolution from straight to gay has been a very slow process. Although I now identify myself as”gay”, right now, colour me “confused.”
Mid-to-Late 20s: I belonged to an men’s sports group, so every week I had unlimited views of the sexiest athletic bodies and flopping cocks galore. Not once did I have the slightest flicker of desire or a tingle in my nether regions. Rarely had I ever seen gay porn and never sought it out. On the rare occasion that I did notice a particularly handsome guy, I would think, “Wow, I really like those jeans he is wearing!” Sometimes, I would actually go out and buy the same pair to try to emulate his look. We all know I should have been thinking, “Wow, I really like the way he fills out those jeans!”
Early 30s: This was the first time I actually noticed hot guys as being hot.... and gave some thought to cock. We were hotel poolside when a visiting French soccer team walked by all wearing black Speedos. These hottie athletes were in their 20s and were all stunning. Just breathtaking!! It was the first time that I seriously noticed the bulge of another guy along with all those other sexy parts...those muscular "soccer player" thighs! Those pecs and abs! And not just one bulge, but a dozen hot bulges with much jiggle action! Bonus!! Had I been standing, I might have felt weak at the knees... but I still would never have acknowledged that sexual desire was at the heart of my interest.
Mid-30s to early 40s: I started exclusively looking a pictures of naked men online, sporadically at first and then daily. All my porn viewing was accompanied by ...er....
Last year: Busted! At the time, I truly believed that, “I wasn’t completely straight,” nothing more.
In the past month: I’m now exclusively identifying myself as “gay,” to myself and to my entire family. This transition occurred after much reading of blogs (written by guys like me, bi/gay/married/closeted/with children) and countless e-mailed exchanges with over a dozen bloggers sharing their stories, experiences and advice. Also, writing this blog forced me to think about what I wanted sexually and what I liked for the very first time in my life.
For the first time, I finally admitted to myself that what I’d been feeling for other guys was, in fact, sexual desire.
Yet.....and yet....I still wonder: “How “gay” I am I, really? I often don’t feel “gay” at all. I am now only aroused by men, not women, but usually in the abstract via online images. Only rarely do I get a stirring “down there” when I see a hot guy walking by. Right now, I’m mainly feeling battered, exhausted, stressed and worried about my family’s future and my own. My biggest concern: one day I will be in an intimate situation with a gay guy that I care about and I won’t be turned on. I would hate to hurt another guy’s feelings. Much more time is needed, I think!