Saturday, February 26, 2011

My Gay Evolution

My evolution from straight to gay has been a very slow process.  Although I now identify myself as”gay”, right now, colour me “confused.”

Mid-to-Late 20s:   I belonged to an men’s sports group, so every week I had unlimited views of the sexiest athletic bodies and flopping cocks galore.  Not once did I have the slightest flicker of desire or a tingle in my nether regions.  Rarely had I ever seen gay porn and never sought it out.  On the rare occasion that I did notice a particularly handsome guy, I would think, “Wow, I really like those jeans he is wearing!”   Sometimes, I would actually go out and buy the same pair to try to emulate his look.  We all know I should have been thinking, “Wow, I really like the way he fills out those jeans!”

Early 30s:  This was the first time I actually noticed hot guys as being hot.... and gave some thought to cock. We were hotel poolside  when a visiting  French soccer team walked by all wearing black Speedos.  These hottie athletes were in their  20s and were all stunning. Just breathtaking!!  It was the first time that I seriously noticed the bulge of another guy along with all those other sexy parts...those muscular "soccer player" thighs! Those pecs and abs!  And not just one bulge, but a dozen hot bulges with much jiggle action!  Bonus!! Had I been standing, I might have felt weak at the knees... but  I still would never have acknowledged that sexual desire was at the heart of my interest.

Mid-30s to early 40s:  I started exclusively  looking a pictures of naked men online, sporadically at first and then daily.   All my porn viewing was accompanied by jerking off ... wanking  choking the chicken.   I truly believed that I could continue to look at naked pictures of men and still fulfill my husbandly duties, although sex was virtually non-existent at our house.  I would never have considered “hooking up” with another guy; partly because I could never have been unfaithful but also because I lacked the courage to initiate anything.  After all, I wasn’t even gay!!

Last year:   Busted!   At the time, I truly believed that, “I wasn’t completely straight,” nothing more.

In the past month:  I’m now exclusively identifying myself as “gay,” to myself and to my entire family.  This transition occurred after much reading of blogs (written by guys like me, bi/gay/married/closeted/with children) and countless e-mailed exchanges with over a dozen bloggers sharing their stories, experiences and advice.  Also, writing this blog forced me to think about what I wanted sexually and what I liked for the very first time in my life.

For the first time,  I finally admitted to myself that what I’d been feeling for other guys was, in fact, sexual desire.

Yet.....and yet....I still wonder: “How “gay” I am I, really?   I often don’t feel “gay” at all.  I am now only aroused by men, not women, but usually in the abstract via online images. Only rarely do I get a stirring “down there” when I see a hot guy walking by.   Right now, I’m mainly feeling battered, exhausted, stressed and worried about my family’s future and my own.  My biggest concern: one day I will be in an intimate situation with a gay guy that I care about and I won’t be turned on. I would hate to hurt another guy’s feelings.  Much more time is needed, I think!


  1. We all have our own journeys, our own paths. I have learned that for some, sexuality seems to be set in stone from the beginning, (like me, 100% gay...always was always have been) for some there is a sharp change at some point and for some, like you, it seems to evolve and change over time. I DO believe the "grey areas" are people born with bisexual potential and that surfaces over time to some degree or another; to what degree depends on the person. No matter what the answers are, only you know your own experience or truth...don't worry about trying to make it fit with others. And don't worry about "what this means" or "how it all works." Take it one day at a time, stay in tune with your thoughts and desires and feelings and listen to your body and's not all logic, my friend. You will know what you do and don't want to do with whom you do and don't want to do it with when the time comes. Until then, enjoy your sexuality in whatever way you feel safe and comfortable doing so, and if it's just admiring images of men and masturbating, so be it. Don't fret about the destination, just enjoy the journey.

    Thank you for sharing this all with us. Despite our vast difference in experiences, there is still a kindredship in the discovery of ones sexuality as it develops apart from the "norm" or majority. Be safe, be honest and be passionate and all will be well.

  2. From my experience getting turned on is more to do with the mind connection that I have with the person I'm making love to. If there's no connection it's just sex. I'm sure one day you'll find someone with whom you share that connection. I suspect judging by the title of your blog that you may have heard this saying, but I'm going to state it here anyway - a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Best wishes.

  3. Oh and I love Ben Cohen. Great choice of picture.

  4. Adam: thanks for reminding me! I'm a guy who always needed an emotional connection with someone and if/when I get that, the sex will follow. The Ben Cohen pic very much resembled the Speedo-clad soccer team I posted about. Amazing muscular thighs, lightly furred....I'm getting palpitations just thinking about them!

    Sean: Thanks, buddy. You're the best! You can't imagine how incredibly reassured I feel after reading your words.....I'm getting a bit misty-eyed, actually.... a rarity for me.

  5. Sounds like the palpitations I got looking at the guy on the left in you DILF posting. He's certainly packing a punch ;-)

  6. Adam, yes, that young guy's green skinsuit doesn't leave much to the imagination!!! It is my all time favourite triathlete picture.

    Although I wouldn't kick him out of my bed, I try very hard not to lust over youngsters like him. My oldest kid is about the same age: that would be the height of weirdness! I really would much prefer someone my own age.

  7. I can see how that must be a bit strange for you and truth be told I'm not one to go for the younger type myself. But he's certainly flaunting it...

  8. Thanks for sharing. Very interesting post because I've know since I was very young that I was different and was attracted to men.

  9. oh don't fret about it
    people's sexuality is very fluid and very complex, and changes over time, much to the chagrin of straights and gays who want everyone on one side of the fence or another. So, not to be worrying 'what you are'.
    Gore Vidal went so far as to say there is no such thing as homosexual and heterosexual people, only homosexual and heterosexual acts.

  10. Thank you, dear Dr. Spo, for everything! (reading my blog, commenting, e-mailing great advice, serving as a fantastic role model....)

    "Sexuality is very fluid and very complex, and changes over time" is going to be my mantra. I firmly believe this, in my case at least, but I don't think my wife does.

  11. Great post. I can't say anything that could add on to what Sean said, so I'll just ask you to re-read Sean's comments and keep referring back to it over the next weeks and months as you continue to explore yourself.

  12. Thanks, Cubby. I have received a great deal of fantastic, experienced advice from a great many bloggers (including yourself, of course). I save every e-mail and comment and review them often. I need to remind myself that I'm on the right path, however painful and difficult it may seem right now.


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