Coming out Meme

I don't normally edit posts retroactively. I made two "faux pas" in this post (discussed in the comments) which I feel badly about and must correct.  I'll show the changes in red font.

At first, I was extremely hesitant about doing this meme from Cubby at Patently Queer.   I did it because (I assume) there are many bi/gay/married/closeted/middle-aged fathers who are reading this blog regularly and anonymously.

I know what it's like to be in your shoes.  By reading this meme, I hope that you will feel less alone;  you may even see some similarities with your own situation.

Name: Buddy Bear

Country: British Columbia, Canada

Age: 45

How old were you when you first realized you were gay? In my mid-30s, I first noticed an attraction to men.  I threw in the towel several months ago and admitted to myself that I was gay, rather than bi.  Who knows?  I might be bi, but I'm now exclusively identifying as gay.   It's not as though I am ever going to be alternating:  having sex with a woman one night, a man with the next!  Although I am a gay virgin, I am pretty sure that I have a strong preference for guys.

Do you have more gay friends or straight friends? I only have straight friends in my real life; I have quite a few (in fact more) gay friends online. It's only with my online friends that I can be completely honest about my thoughts, feelings and fears;  they are quickly becoming my true friends.

Biggest turn on? Furry torso and legs, nice ass, pleasant personality.

Biggest turn off?  Closed-mindedness, intolerance

Ever been harassed due to your orientation?  Never.  No one figured it out, including me!

Have you ever been surprised at the reaction of people who know you are gay?  The surprise was that it wasn't a big deal to them.

What is the worst gay stereotype?  That gays are promiscuous and all have HIV / AIDS.

Are you a stereotype? No.

Ever been to a pride rally? No - But I hope to go this June!

Do you go to gay bars? No, the nearest one is 400 miles away.

How old were you when you first told someone you were gay? 45 (several months ago)

Did you plan it? If so, how?  I just told them, flat out, at each of their homes.

What made you choose that person to tell? I  told my whole family (wife, two teenage kids, siblings, parents) and very close friends.  They're the only people that matter.

How did you feel?  That a  great weight  was off my chest.  Happier and freer.

Have you ever been snubbed by someone after coming out to them? No

Have you come out to your family? Yes, all of them.

Why did you come out at that point? Needed to explain why I was getting divorced.

Are you out at work? A couple of close colleagues, yes.  The entire organization, no.

If not, why not?  (1)  Biggest reason:  given the somewhat "high profile" nature of my job and my small town, it would basically mean coming out to the whole town.  I'm fine with that and in fact, look forward to it.  But I have to be sure that my kids would be okay with it first.  There's no rush!  (2) We never discuss sex at work, heterosexual or otherwise.  (3)  Being gay is only a very small part of who I am. (4) It's nobody's business by my own.

If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? It was willingly.

What does being out mean to you?   Living the truth.   Enabling the kids to understand why my marriage was so unhappy.  Ensuring the kids live in two happy households, rather than one household filled with tension and anger.  They have commented on the "happier households" already!

What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?   If you're a bi/gay/married father, consider the impact on your wife and children. You still have a responsibility to your family unit.  I believe that  the wives of closeted gay/bi men would want their husbands to come out to them as soon as possible.  This gives her the option of starting a new life with a "real man", while she is still young. By "real man", I only meant a heterosexual man who is 100% interested in having passionate sex with his woman.  A man who desires and lusts after his wife completely.  Although (I like to think) I was very good  at having sex with my wife, I was really just just going through the motions.  I think woman can always sense this difference. 

Gay men are very much "real men."  Having had to do battle all their lives, they are in fact courageous warriors.

  In time, the children will be perfectly okay with having a "gay Dad", but think carefully and (if you are still talking) discuss it with their mother before coming out to the kids.   Variables include their ages, peer group and the state of gay-acceptance in your community.  My kids were perfectly okay with my announcement.

If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? No changes.  I came out immediately when I acknowledged (to myself) I was gay.  This self-awareness could have occurred at a younger age, but it didn't.  I can't change history.  By figuring out I was gay later in life,  I did end up with two fantastic children;  not every gay man is that lucky!  Everyone's journey is different.

12 of 12: March 2011

Check out Chad Darnell's blog for other 12 of 12 photographs from amateur photographers from around the world. The idea is to post 12 pictures taken on the 12th of each month and then link the URL to Chad's blog.   I post every second or third day, so my pics are late  this month.

My town is in the middle of some of the most beautiful wilderness to be found anywhere in the world.  However, there has been a serious economic decline here for at least the past thirty years.

This town also suffers from serious social problems as well.  For example, we are in the top 10 for highest rate of violent crime per capita in Canada.  But since this is Canada and not the USA, the weapons of choice are knives, not handguns.

Driving around town today, I was struck how shabby the older commercial / industrial area;  decaying, full of abandoned businesses and industry, rusting equipment and piles of dirty, melting snow.  So this month, I took pictures of some less attractive things in town. 

Sexy Athletes in Spandex

Perv alert!   Perv alert!

My son and I competed in a major cross-country ski race in early February.   I’d done the 30 km event many times but never as a newly-out gay man.   Big difference!!  This time I obsessed over noticed the hundreds of superbly fit men in spandex tights and one-piece skinsuits.  Woof!!


The majority were lean and athletic with the  tight bubble butts and muscular thighs of a cross country skier.   The older guys... late 30s, 40s, early 50s were the most mesmerizing.  Their muscles were a bit beefier and better developed than the skinnier 20-somethings.  OMFG!!!!   Stunning!  (I’m getting hard just writing this account.)

As the race progressed with hottie after hottie zooming past me,  I had superb, close-up views of countless spandex-clad asses, crotches and beefy thighs. Breath-taking!   Incredibly, they all knew how to wear spandex... no sagginess here!  Every single one had his spandex pulled up snugly into his crotch, around each side of his bulge (no split packages!) and firmly into his ass crack.

How could the designer of these suits NOT have been a gay man?  The lighter colours.... yellow, white, powder blue highlighted every bulge and curve.  These colours also revealed the trickle of sweat which, on some, made its way down the small of the back and disappeared between  muscular butt cheeks.  Many suits had abstract patterns designed to accentuate a man’s curves.  My eyes were drawn involuntarily as the design snaked around the torso and bulge, and then disappeared between delicious inner thighs.
   
The ache in my balls got more intense as the day progressed.   I briefly considered taking... er... matters into my own hand in a Port-a-Potty but quickly abandoned that idea as they were  (1) freezing (2) with a huge line-ups of people outside of each (3) so disgusting... I wouldn’t even have used them for their intended purpose.

I wore a pair of black spandex athletic tights ....I think I looked pretty darned good as well!  Quite a few people checked me out but nearly all, sadly, were old ladies in their 50s to 70s.  I thought, “You’re barking up the wrong tree, ladies!!”   However, I was very sure that a number of guys checked me out as well.   During the race, I stepped aside (“gave track” - ski racer’s etiquette) as an early 50ish hottie zoomed by; stunning, lean, muscular body, hot ass, grey flavour saver facial hair).  He yelled, “Way to go!” as he zoomed past and then turned his head fully around and gave my front side the once-over as well. Gosh.... he could not have been more obvious!

At the finish line, I checked out an early 30s hottie standing alone in a black skinsuit.  He looked over for a moment and (I think) checked me out.  We locked eyes briefly, he flashed a beautiful smile and then I moved on.  I had son with me at the time and I’m really not yet ready for a hookup.  When I’m ready, I’ll know!

These pics will give you some idea of what I'm talking about; most are Olympians.  They're "okay", but mere pictures cannot compare to having these athletes standing two feet away from you, breathing heavily, filmed in sweat, manly chests heaving, butt cheeks clenching and unclenching.......

Collateral Damage

Ce Ce, a wife who has just been left by a gay husband after 18 years,  commented on my previous post.  She reminded us how painful the coming-out process was for the wife of the gay man.


The newly-minted gay husband  (like me) is excited, energized, empowered, horny as hell and full of visions of hooking up with hot guys.  He feels liberated from years of living a lie, that of  a "straight"  man;  years of carrying a secret that he didn't want to have.

At the same time, his former wife is devastated and sad.  She may be consumed with hatred and bitterness.  Ce Ce wrote,  "But mostly I am left utterly, completely empty.....  missing the man I still love and was planning on spending the entirety of my life with. 

Ce Ce, I also regret causing you more distress by posting, "To make things more difficult, his wife is aging as well and becoming less attractive to him, particularly if she has had a couple of kids."  After our kids were born, there was just no pleasure for me to be had.  I know that sounds harsh, but the whole point of this blog is to be brutally honest and that was my reality.

Here are some of the feelings of the "wife of....."

1. She is the most angry that the coming-out didn't happen sooner; she could have had a fresh start with another man.
2. She feels like she has been "living a lie" for her entire marriage.
3. She feels like she has wasted the best (most attractive) years of her life.
4. She has been caught by surprise.  "Honey, I'm gay!  Surprise!!!" ....while the gay husband had (perhaps) decades to get used to the idea that he is gay.
5. She blamed herself for years for the lack of intimacy in the marriage;  she wasn't attractive enough, sexy enough or slim enough and becomes enraged when she discovers it wasn't just her all along.
6. The love she once felt for her husband has now turned into hatred;  it's hard to fall out of love.
7. ____________________ Any others?

Fellow blogger Gay Christian Pastor  also discusses all this in his post Collateral Damage;  I borrowed the title...thank you!   


And yet... the gay husband's coming-out opens up the possibility of an exciting new life for the "wife of..."   

The Gay Christian pastor wrote of his wife being  “excited about the future” after his coming-out." His wife said, “If there is a possibility that I can eventually have the kind of love I’ve always wanted, then I’m excited to get out there and find it."   He added, "She desperately wants to be loved by a man who is passionately in love with all of who she is."

Another fellow blogger writing Conflicting Clarity wrote that his wife's new boyfriend is "curling her toes in bed in a way that I never did.   But this time she was talking about more than just sex.  She was talking about the other parts of her life.  Like she suddenly discovered what she was missing." 

In all this, my one deepest regret is the pain that I have caused my wife.   I can't fix it and make it go away;  I can't change history.   Twenty years ago.... even two years ago.... I never in a million years would have believed that I was gay. I'm hoping that in time, she will be able to move on as well.

Options for a Married, Closeted Guy with Kids

For a closeted DILF with young children, there are few options, none of them easy and all of them potentially leading to disaster, heartbreak and a destruction of the family.  I've borrowed some of these options from an excellent post by No Way Out for a SoCal Guy but added own my opinions and experiences.

1. Remain married, closeted, faithful  and have regular sex with your wife:  This is relatively easy for a young, horny married guy in his 20s to do.  The closeted young married man can convince himself that he can do this forever.  However, as us gay/bi married men age, it becomes increasingly difficult to deny our gay side.  To make it more difficult, his wife is aging as well and becoming less attractive to him, particularly if she has had a couple of kids.  Eventually, it becomes nearly impossible for the closeted bi/gay guy to have sex with his angry, aging wife.  The closeted DILF faces a lifetime wasted, wanking off to gay porn in a marriage devoid of any real intimacy or love. 
2. Remain married, closeted, but screw around with men on the side:  In my opinion, living this lie is dishonest, self-destructive for the DILF and is terribly unfair to your wife. Neither party has a real chance to move on.  Being unfaithful is something (I like to think) that I would never have done... but to be completely honest, I might have. "Never" is a very long time indeed.
3. Remain married and be out to your wife, but experience your gay side:   I cannot imagine any woman agreeing to such an "open marriage" but I understand from http://biguyslikeme.blogspot.com/ that as many as 1 in 6 married gay guys have such an arrangement.  If a couple has an honest, mutual agreement with excellent communication, more power to them!  I think, how could this arrangement be emotionally healthy for anyone?   For me,  endless hookups with different guys and would become empty.  Also, what happens when you fall in love with a regular fuck buddy and want a real relationship?
4. Leave his wife and seek a divorce (coming out to her, or not):    This would be extremely painful and traumatic for the entire family.  The DILF faces financial ruin with child support and alimony payments.  He risks being estranged from his children and others in his life.  The DILF worries that his kids will be messed up.  As difficult as this option is, it is the only one which allows both husband and wife to move on with their lives.  Each has a chance to find true intimacy and happiness with others who they can truly love.

Up until a year ago, I was fully prepared to attempt to live the closeted option #1 for the rest of my life, although a transition into screwing around with guys on the side (option #2) was always a possibility.  Although my "outing" was accidental, I now regard it as the best thing that ever happened to me.   Right now, for me, option #4 is the only route for me.

My favourite posts from my favourite bloggers

Sexy bear pic from http://bearofaman.blogspot.com

Things continue to calm down here.  Without revealing the details right now, we've had a couple of conversations this week remarkable for their civility and soul-baring honesty.  Despite the anger which remains, another small step forward ---------------------------------------------------------

Over the past several months, each of the bloggers listed below has treated me with incredible kindness and concern.  Through comments on my blog and private e-mails, each has offered support, compassion, many compliments and much experienced, excellent advice.

Many have expressed concern for me or offered a gentle warning, fearing I may be heading down a wrong path.  Several others have been very proactive and have taken the initiative to search for LGBT opportunities and resources in my community and to advise me to partake of them.

You've enriched my life and made my difficult journey less solitary, more informed and infinitely easier.  Thank you!  I will be forever in your debt.

By way of their blogs, each of  these guys has brightened my day, made me laugh or made me think.  I've  selected some of my favourite past posts.

1. Sean  modelling the Spo-Shirt.  While I loved all his Spo-shirt pictures, it was this picture which caused a stirring in my nether regions:     That sweet smile!  Those manly legs!  Calves to die for!  The best part is Sean's thigh, coyly drawn forward to conceal his manly- bits.
2. Jim's Spo-shirt shower (at the bottom of the post):   a funny, sexy, man with a hot, muscular body, great smile and great rhythm.  An irrisistible combination!   Here is his even sexier half-nekkid shower dance video clip from 2009.  
3. Sean's naked crochet post.  A sweet man, a sweet voice, a crochet project and nudity: the incongruity is just irresistibe!
4. From Blobby's Blog,  Blobby's  and Denton's wedding photo:   A beautiful, inspirational photo of two handsome men in love.
5. Cubby's post "Do Straight Men Exist?":  an interesting post on the spectrum of sexuality which generated many interesting comments.  This was of particular interest me as a formerly "straight" guy on his evolution through bi-curious to gay.
6. The married dad (is it rude for me to call him a DILF?) writing New Day,  New Life is empathetic, self-reflective, intelligent, very funny, horny and deeply concerned the effect his coming out will have on his wife and children.  As well, he is sexy as hell , as this post shows. 
7. RG of Duce Y Pelligroso is the master of sexy, irrepressible comments on other blogs and his own.  Some may be surprised at the depth of his compassion when, as an experienced gay guy, he takes the time to offer guidance and advice to this newbie.  His post "Bloggers With Which I Would Engage in Sex" is classic RG.
8. Dr. Spo is the grandaddy of bloggers:  intelligent, charming, witty and thoughtful.  His multi-post "Guide to Tea" lessons is typical of his quest to educate and entertain his readers.
9. The author of Is There a Way Out for a SoCal Guy? is a mid-40s married father who is gradually making his way out of the closet.  His integrity, thoughtfulness and compassion for his wife are exemplary.  This post is a typical example of his intelligence and self-reflection.

Grocery store DILF, continued

Not the DILF, just a random pic from the internet.

Of all of the gay/bi-married-closeted guys, I think that the younger, closeted DILFs with very young children face the toughest situation of all.

Over a period of many months, the hottie grocery store DILF (described in a previous post) and I would "notice" each other at many neighbourhood events, culminating with his really obvious grocery store checkout of me. The difference this time, I think, was that he knew that I knew.

A few weeks later, I was at our neighbourhood elementary school attending our childrens' talent show.... "talent" used here in the loosest sense of the word.  The grocery store hottie sat down beside me with one empty seat between us:  there were no other seats available.

To digress, hottie DILF was just beautiful;  very slim with a flat stomach, blue eyes, short blonde hair and looking like a more handsome version of Bradley Cooper.   He had the slimmest of hips leading to lovely muscular thighs filling his tight, low-rise jeans deliciously.  The jeans accentuated a beautiful bulge. He looked far better that the open-crotched guy in the picture above.

He slouched with his legs outstretched.  His knees spread wide, hottie DILF sat with an open-crotch pose which suggested that he needed more ball room than his tight pants would allow.  He was good to his jeans;  very good.      Do I sound obsessed?  I certainly hope not...and I don't think I was.  He really was the most stunning man.  The fact that he had noticed me made it an an irresistible combination!

This time his behaviour was quite different.  Although he knew I was sitting there, this time, he refused to meet my eye...... he just stared stonily forwards;  his facial muscles working as he clenched his jaw shut.  Here's my interpretation of the situation:  I could be wrong, but clearly, he'd had enough.  Our mutual checking-out of each other had gone too far.  It was too much of a risk to him.  He was angry and maybe even afraid.

For a closeted, married DILF with young children, there are a few options, none of them easy and all of them potentially leading to disaster, heartbreak and a destruction of the family.

NOTE:  The discussion of these options and my experiences with them will be big topic, so I will make them the subject of my next post in a few days.