Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Oppositional Behaviour

All pics from 

As we approach the closing date for our house sale, my wife's behaviour has become erratic again after months of relative calm.    Rather than helping, she spends her time throwing up roadblocks every step of the way.

She refused to sign the Offer of Purchase after it had been vetted by the lawyers and signed by the other three parties, including me.    At midnight, she phoned to say that she wouldn't sign it unless I guaranteed that we would remain married for another eight years.   She wanted to remain on my work medical plan until I retired. 

WTF!  I wouldn't want to remain married to her for another 8 minutes, let alone 8 years!!  I said, "Like....NO!  We need to move on with our lives.   I'm going through this bullshit for the next eight years."

Just as abruptly, she said that we need to get divorced ASAP and was demanding alimony payments until I retire.  We had previously agreed to that anyway, since her income (after she retires in June 2012) will  be about 1/3rd of mine.   This is one of my moral and legal obligations to provide some equalization of our incomes;  I accept that.

The other day, she phoned out of the blue and said she was refusing to sign the Transfer of Deed form, giving me full ownership of my waterfront home, reneging on a previous written agreement.   We had an extremely heated discussion and in the end, she agreed to sign.   Until she signs, my transfer to her of $140,000 will remain in the hands of the lawyers, forever, if need be..... the lawyer can keep the money forever, for all I care.

We have a two-hour mediation session with a lawyer on May 8th which should bring us to our final divorce agreement.  I am holding out little hope that it will be that easy.   She is in a mood to "do battle" over everything.   If her erratic behaviour continues in our discussions before the mediation, I'm cancelling the whole thing.

Right now, it is all taking, taking, taking.   "I want this,  "I want that,   I want, I want, I want...."  The other day, my wife drove up to my house to fetch my daughter who was drying her hair.  My wife said, "I want that towel."   My daughter came into the house and said, "Mom is behaving like a three-year-old."   I said, "Give her the towel;   I can afford to get another Wal-Mart towel." 

All the kids are fed up with her behaviour.  My daughter said, "She doesn't have to take everything."   I just want her to go away, to be out of my life forever.

My wife took the towel but tried to return it days later, probably out of  guilt.  I said, "Keep the fucking towel."   Imagine that scene repeated hundreds of times, with items ranging in value from one dollar to hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Tiresome!!


  1. Aw honey, I'm sorry she's being a pill. I'm starting to wonder if she's Bi-Polar or just stark raving mad. Best of luck, my thoughts are with you.


  2. Just to throw out an idea (and feel free to remind me when my time comes): She is stalling not so much for the money and things but really not coming to terms with IT IS REALLY HAPPENING. As hard as it to believe, there is a chance she still loves you. Or at least think she does and was holding out hope. I can see my wife doing something like that. In some ways, she already has but not to the same extent. If you can catch on a calm moment, MAYBE you could see if that might be an unconscience thing with her. Good luck with everything. I am a point where I am understanding some of your earlier posts on a whole new level.

  3. CoryJo: thanks for your support! Yes, there is a significant history of mental illness in her family (father, sister) so I have no doubt that's an explanation for some of the erratic behaviour. Most of the time, she's able function normally but this is an exceedingly stressful time for us all.

    Skier: I was at my doctor's today for a check up (who is also my wife's doctor) and she said EXACTLY the same thing. The reality of our separation is getting closer and closer. And yes, we do still care for each other, despite everything that's happened.

  4. I'm sorry to hear this troubling news, especially after you thought you had all the details worked out.

    If she's acting like a three year old then maybe you have to respond to her the way a parent would. You know, calm but firm. A few months ago she wanted to fight practically every time you saw her. Finally you decided to give her one warning before hanging up or walking away. Maybe it's time to use that approach again.

  5. skier and your doctor are right -- I went through the same thing with my (blessedly now ex) wife. Word reached me through a mutual friend that she was in high panic because all her cruel and adulterous behavior was a game she thought would provoke me to do anything to keep her. By the end she had gone through four lawyers and the judge hated the sight of her. Sorry you have to go through this, but hang in -- this, too, shall pass.

  6. Sorry it is happening, but went through the same thing twenty-odd years ago and Skier is certainly right about what was going on in my case. My wife drove me out, when I was still reeling from self discovery...then she wanted everything back. We still live an hours drive from each other, but the kids and grandkids visit me and my lover more often than her, because of her "manipulative ways." Sounds like your wife is headed for the same result. Not good, perhaps deserved, but not good...for her or the kids. Stand firm. It's not about "our life" anymore. It's about yours.

  7. anne marie in phillyApril 11, 2012 at 6:29 PM

    so sorry, buddybear...stand your ground, do not give in to her blackmail, this will pass soon (I hope).

  8. BB: if you weren't gay, would you still want to divorce her ?

  9. Just remember it is only things. And if they help her feel better, let her have them. But everyone else is right that there is more underlying that; you probably are not the person to deal with that issue in her life. Good luck.

  10. Not much can be said to make the situation better, but I'm sorry that your ex (or soon to be ex) is causing such heartache.

  11. Oh man, what bad news. Maybe it's finally settling in with her that this is really happening and that you really are gay. That this isn't some kind of mid-life crisis/phase you'll grow out of. Did your daughter tell her about that errant text message? If not, make sure she doesn't. Knowing about that would probably freak her out in ways you cannot imagine.

  12. This is her last chance to fuck with you. She needs to make the most of it.

    Soon it will be over.

  13. Im so glad i found this blog. The house isn't ready to sell... however i can relate to everything we continue. Unfortunately my wife is still extremely angry and bitter... I can be gay, as long as I don't do! . Anyway, i will follow this diligently. Thanks and good luck to all


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