Friday, April 13, 2012

Dr. Jekyl and Ms. Hyde

All pics from 

Thank you for all your supportive comments and fantastic advice on my most recent post! Every comment has an element of truth. I wasn`t surprised at my wife`s behaviour: the kids and I have seen it all before!

Despite our harsh conversation, our agreements basically remained intact.  Numerous friends and close colleagues have advised me to "hold a steady course" and not to overreact to this cyclical, erratic behaviour.  Much of the time, my wife is very reasonable, given the upheaval that has happened in her life.

As I expected, two days later, she phoned and we had a very long, mature conversation about our 15 year old son. (trouble at school!)  Once again, I marvelled at our ability to come to a easy agreements when discussing parenting issues:  damn, we're good!! 
In a sweet gesture (out of guilt?, being manipulative?), she offered me a $200 gift card she had for my favourite grocery store.  She also offered to "do battle" with my cell phone provider over some difficulty I'd been having.  There are times when having a pushy, aggressive wife comes in handy.  

I'm expecting (or perhaps hoping) that the present "calm" lasts until April 30, at which point I will get full ownership of my waterfront home.   By law, all divorcing couples in my province must undergo a couple of hours of mediation with a lawyer before the divorce can proceed.  Our mediation session is scheduled for May 8th.   The majority of our settlement has already been agreed upon but if there is any last-minute flip-flopping, I will cancel the session!

To answer a few questions from the last post:
CoryJo:  The cyclical behaviour may very well be caused by bipolar disorder.  My father has been gravely concerned about my wife's changeable behaviour for years.  She has several close family members with psychiatric problems.

The problem is, when a person is in the middle of an emotional / mental health problem, they are not always able to acknowledge that they have a problem.    My wife will never seek help unless she's forced to by some major crisis.  Even during the best times of our marriage, she would use bullying tactics and manipulative behaviour (usually on others).  Due to her crushing lack of self-esteem, she had to get her own way all the time.

Anonymous:  Even if I'd have been straight, our marriage had no chance of lasting.  Now that I'm on my own, I couldn't imagine living with someone who was that bossy, angry and micro-managing.  How did I do it all those years?

Cubby:  My wife does not know that I am seeing someone.  I know that she already has extreme difficulty with just the thought of that happening..... it will be along time before she finds out, I hope!

Skier:  yes, I'm not sure my wife is ready to "let go."   But, there is nothing left to hang on to.

TwoLives:   "Calm but firm."   Excellent advice!


  1. Hi there Buddy, I had to laugh when I read your title to today's post. It was the tentative one I was going to use about my wife's actions recently. In fact when talking with a friend of mine about an upcoming session with counselor I believe my words were I wonder which one of them would show up. If I may comment on the question about would you have still divorced, I am not sure you would have. I think you would have continued the status quo. You and I have commented to each other how similiar we are. You proceeded because you were caught with porn. If you hadn't been caught, you (IMHO) would have stayed in the situation longer. How much longer is debatable but certainly not be where you are now. So it was a very good thing. I moved ahead thanks to YOU and the others. The truth is that we were scared to start things. IF I could have one wish granted right now, it would be to help others in our situation GET STARTED. Yes, there are days when I still want to go back in time and undo all. Just as I am sure that a few months back, you had similiar thoughts. NOW, you wouldn't go back for anything. I am sure I will get to that point. I think even my wife would not want to go back to "before". I have resolved that if I meet another gay closeted married guy, I will even initiate the conversation. Gently of course. Good luck from now to the May 8th date. I am rooting for you.

  2. Skier, YOU ARE SO CORRECT!! I probably NEVER would have come out to my wife if she didn't find gay porn on my computer. I could very well have gone the rest of my life "happy being miserable", to quote my blogger friend Mike of Out in the World.

    Now, I wouldn't go back to my old life for a million bucks! I cannot imagine living in a household so full of hostility that on occasion in the morning, I'd be sick to my stomach from the tension of it all.

    And Skier, I've mentioned many times the emotional roller coaster that your wife will be experiencing for many years to come, if not forever, after finding out her husband of +30 years is gay. That is perfectly understandable!

    1. While true we still have the roller coaster it is kind of like the real ride. The highs and lows are not as high or as low. I continue to be amazed by her. Right now, she is much more worried about my state of mind than her own.

  3. When it is all said and done ..... Forgiveness is a choice. It is always the right choice. It is liberating. The best part of forgiveness is it takes the wind right out of the other persons sails


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