Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Gay Adolescence

Dr. Spo recently offered me this wise advice, partially tongue-in-cheek, "You need to get laid, seriously and soon."  Despite all the drama and physical pain in my life right now, there is within me an undercurrent of anticipation and excitement.

BosGuy recently asked the question "When was your gay adolescence?", that sense of exuberance and  exploration experienced by men who come out in later life.   It is like being a teenager again, exploring one's sexuality except with an infinitely greater self-confidence which only comes with life experience.

The "must-see" movie Beginners deals with the subject of gay adolescence.  Christopher Plummer plays a terminally-ill widower in his 70s who is going through a gay adolescence and takes a young male lover. 

Now, my gay adolescence will look very different than if  I had come out in the early 80s as a young man and had a "slut phase" then.   It is likely that I wouldn't have survived, given the state of HIV / AIDS at that time.

Today, I have a strong desire to continue to be a positive role model to my children.  I would not want my children to know that I was whoring around our small town, s*cking and f*cking every guy that crossed my path.  It is highly a little unlikely that I will even have a slut phase.   I like to think (and I may be delusional here) that I would want to have even a small emotional connection with some guy before having sex with him. 

I hope to be in a LTR with some nice guy my age after a period of several years.  Several formerly married gay guys my age have shared with me their experiences with online hookup sites.  The consensus:  online hookup sites are NOT the route to take for guys like us.  Mr. Right is more likely to be found in gay community groups, gay committees, gay dads' groups and gay sports leagues.

And again, to all my friends who have expressed concerns about my well-being during this part of my journey. I promise that I will be safe, sensible and cautious.  I  would never place myself in a situation where I would be taken advantage of or be influenced by peer pressure.  I am highly cautious, methodical and a major planner.  When it is the right time and situation for me to lose my gay virginity, I'll be the first to know.


  1. Good for you! You are pretty self-aware and I'm sure you don't need to have a gay adolescence. I didn't have a sexual adolescence before I married my wife, but I sure did have a gay slutty phase for a couple of years before I left her. You are doing it the right way, but don't underestimate getting swept off your feet sooner rather than later.

  2. anne marie in phillyJune 7, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    I can't take my eyes off those wonderful woofy specimens of maleness!

    ANYONE can do the horizontal bop; an intellectual/mental connection with a special person will make your "deflowering" that much nicer.

  3. Such a thoughtful and self-aware post. You can follow whatever path is right for you - the roadmap is yours to create.

  4. Well, what have you taught your children? What would you want them to do? Why would you want them to do it that way? The same values and rules apply to you.

  5. One of the things your kids need to understand is that you are also a sexual being, besides just being Dad.

    I know, I know - parents having sex is yucky - who didn't think that about their own parents growing up?

    I don't think your kids will fault you for exploring the sexual side that you have denied yourself your entire life.

    Sure, be cautious and careful and respectful to your living situation. It's going to take some planning. You are a boiling cauldron of pent-up sexual frustration and you need to explore and experience what it's like to have sex with another man. You don't have to be a slut to get your freak on.

    Now, go find that 23 y/o hottie that cruised the Jeebus out of you in the grocery store, and if he's agreeable, tell him your situation up front and see what happens. If you're going to have a 1st time, it might as well be with someone who's handsome, well built and likes you.

  6. I agree w/ Dr. Spo, but we all know ourselves best and you know what you are comfortable doing (and not doing).

    One tip for when you are feeling better... if whoring around in your small town either seems unlikely or not possible, think about travelling after you've healed. I'm convinced so many gay men are so well traveled because they believe what happens in ; stays in .

  7. Oh and one more thing: First time blow-jobs from another man, if they know what they're doing that is, are mind blowing. Seriously, I remember my first hummer: it was exciting, scary and very sexy all at the same time.

  8. Oh... and thanks for the shout out. That was very sweet of you.


  9. You are a sensible man and your writing reveals you are well aware of the risks. However, it is important to get your feet wet in gay life. I faced my gay adolescence in the 80s; I was raising my two daughters as a single, newly-gay dad and very well aware of the responsibility. It was scary as hell, but I knew I had to do it.

    It's much easier now, much safer with the knowledge we have. I'm sure every man who reads your blog and comments here supports you and sends you their very best.

  10. Wow! Thank you all for the fantastic, experienced advice. I get the sense that you all (perhaps not you, anne marie!) have "been there, done that" regarding first-time gay sex and have some very important things to tell me.

    Yes, I really do plan to correct my "gay virgin" status... and RG, you are very wise and perceptive in saying that I am a "boiling cauldron of pent-up sexual frustration."

  11. Take it slow! You've had an adolescence already, so you know the "Build Up" may be more exciting than the "Event" itself. Still, the recreational horizontal -or vertical for that matter- is a helluva lot of fun. Just remember...Play Safe!!!

  12. oh screw all this advice
    most people's first encounters are a frightful but memorable mess.
    Get laid for pete's sake.

  13. Most (all?) of the people commenting here had their first male sex experience 30-40 years ago, when times were very different. Just take it easy Buddy. There's no rush.

  14. Thanks to all who commented! BosGuy, I travel a little bit, usually solo, and I will consider your suggestion seriously.

    Cubby, as always, you've made a valuable contribution to the discussion. It's been 30 years since I've been of legal age to have sex; the 'man-sex' can wait a few more weeks or months until the right situation ... ahem... arises.


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