Tuesday, February 11, 2014

A complicated relationship with my ex

This post has pictures from my favourite blog, The Edge of Reality, which features the beefy, furry men which I love .... muscled ithout being too fat and with a "bad boy" look about them. Despite all the men I hook up with, I rarely get to spend some sweet sexytime with guys like these.

I've become increasingly busy with the Breakfast Club (two mornings a week), my GSA planning and my three new classes so I've been going into work 1 - 2 hours early just to get my work done. I'm at my best and most energetic in the early morning.

But last night, the temperatures have dipped again into the -30 C range, so it is cold, dark and I'm still very sick.  Bleh!

One day after the drama described in my last post where I slammed the phone down on my ex, I was in her driveway helping my son fix his truck.  She appeared, heading out on an errand. "Oh, shit!  I don't want to see her!!"   We hadn't had a face-to-face meeting all year.

She looked me in the eye without any apparent hatred (as is her usual look), barely smiled and said, "Hello."  I said, "What do you think of my 'grandpa car'?" She said: "It looks good" and proceeded on her way.  This was an inconsequential exchange but it illustrated to me how she can flip-flip from anger to normalcy in a flash.   

My last post generated quite a few comments about my ex, so I'm going to put a few thoughts down about her:

1.   I had NO idea of her emotional and mental health issues when we got married. One factor was that most of her family lived thousands of miles away;  I met them all for the first time at our wedding! 

Had I met them beforehand, it would have been a huge red flag because they share some of the her behaviour traits.  I only heard about her issues from family members later and observed them myself as our lives became more busy and stressful.

It was the birth of our third child which was the straw that broke the camel's back.  It pushed her over the deep end from which she never recovered. 

At that time, I still was unaware of my attraction to men and our marriage still seemed to me to be fairly strong and normal.

2.   For many years and until very recently, I was my wife's biggest and at times, only supporter but she never appreciated this.  She had no tact or common sense when dealing with other people and would blunder into conflict after conflict with friends, neighbours, family and work colleagues.
 
I spent many years as an enabler, making excuses for her behaviour:   "___'s really tired today."  or "____ didn't mean to say that.... she really was trying to say....."  In the end, I gave up trying to save her from herself and stopped making excuses for her behaviour.

3.  As infuriating as she is, I still feel sorry for her ...sometimes.  She's trapped in a cycle of behaviour which she apparently doesn't recognize and can't get out of.  And it has cost her countless friendships and relationships with family members and will probably continue to do so.

4.  While it may be true that in every relationship breakup, there is his story, her story and the truth, I can say that my story is constantly corroborated by friends, neighbours, family and my own children.   My wife's conflicts were apparent to everyone and at times, I became embarrassed when people felt sorry for me.

5.  Right now, my feelings towards her are mixed.  I want to be on good terms because it mean less awkwardness for the kids when we run into each other at future family events.  But if her occasional erratic and hostile behaviour continues, I want to have nothing to do with he as long as I live.     

17 comments:

  1. You have done a lot! It's all about you now!

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  2. I am so glad that you have escaped her irrational behavior. Even if it still manifests itself on you occasionally. Now you can decide how to react in your own time.

    I think your #5 is the most important point. You are a true man, and a fantastic parent to put your feelings aside for what you know will be future interactions with your ex to make sure your children are protected and loved. If only more men who were divorced (straight or gay) would act like this!!!! Having dealt with children of divorce for many years, I can tell you that your children will worship you for years to come for this attitude!

    You are held in high esteem in my eyes (such as that matters), Mr. Buddy Bear!!!

    Peace <3
    Jay

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  3. " I want to have nothing to do with he as long as I live. "

    You're among friends here Buddy Bear. No need to sugar coat it. ;)

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  4. The more you tell us about your ex (which is really why I read your post ... and the pictures ... your sex adventures I can do without), the more I sympathize with your plight. Sounds like even if you were a raging hetero, getting out of this marriage was a very wise course of action.

    And, this is coming from a child of divorce and one who believes it to be a sin.

    Even if you had no children together and were never married, it sounds like the Ex is not a very nice person to have in one's life. Even her mother, as you told us before, can only take her in small doses.

    So, relax and as your therapist says, ignore the crazy. She is what she is.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. Yes, I am absolutely certain that our marriage would have ended in divorce regardless of my orientation.

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  5. You used the correct word to describe your part of the relationship early on. But, the past is past; all you can do is move forward with your life. Be as amiable as you can for your kids, they'll thank you for it.

    You're a very intelligent man, you're handling a difficult (at best) situation with aplomb. You can and should take a certain amount of pride in that.

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    Replies
    1. I wonder what was "the correct word" you mentioned? Was it when I said: Our marriage still seemed to me to be fairly strong and normal?"

      I agree when you said to be am amiable as possible. A real-life divorced acquaintance told me that when divorcing couples are at war, the kids are always watching and making judgements.

      What you might consider a "victory" against your wife may not turn out to be such a good idea in the long term if it turns your kids against you.

      Delete
  6. " I want to have nothing to do with he as long as I live. "
    That is not being realistic. Once you have kids, there will always be contact. Something my ex hasn't figured out yet. It gets very expensive going through a third party all the time.

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    1. I didn't say that it was likely that we would never see each other again ... it was just a wish of mine in an ideal world. There is one way that we would never see each other again.... death, mine or hers. lol.

      And if this stress continues for me, I'm predicting that it will be my death which will occur first.

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  7. Actually it is possible to have nothing to do with her. My husband's ex is an unhappy vicious bitch. When their children were young, he (and I) had no choice but to deal with her in a polite yet guarded manner. Even when she was trying to ruin our lives. The kids are adults now. To give an example of the "crazy", the ex tried to ruin the oldest daughters wedding. Sometimes it's ok to just give up. The kids know we tried, they know she's an awful person, they appreciate our never saying anything negative about her and they understand and support our decision to give up. We now have a grandchild. If the ex were to show up while we were visiting (she won't) we would of course be cordial. Adult children know the score and know who valued their emotional, mental, and physical well being when they were young. They also understand when it's time to stop tolerating abuse.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to relate your valuable experiences. You've been in this situation (in fact, an even worse one) and know exactly what it's like.

      The truth is that the end result is somewhat out of our hands. If the "wife of" continues to act with bitterness or in a psychotic manner, all the good will on the part of the gay ex-husband will not correct that situation.

      Thanks again for your help! It means more to me than you will ever know.

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  8. I'm guessing as the kids get older you will have less and less to do with her. Which is good. How are things over there in BC? Lots of snow? I just returned from a big gay cruise. Had a ball. Still sunburned :)

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    1. Yes, and that time is rapidly approaching. All my kids have part-time jobs, our oldest, soon to be 22, is fully independent financially (although she lives rent-free with us) and our youngest is 17.5 and is also very independent as well.

      It's been a long, cold winter here with lots of snow; normally, I would LOVE all the snow but I've been to busy to consider any winter sports.

      Jeffrey, I am SOOOO jealous about your gay cruises and trips to Palm Springs. Both of those are on my "to-do" list when I can scrape up enough cash. I'm wondering, is it better to go to one of these as a singleton, a lone wolf, or as a couple?

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    2. I think you would have just as much fun as single or coupled. Can be romantic getaway or sex-fest - or both!!. We are already booked for next year's cruise. Good to keep busy! Trying to finish a piece on LGBT rights around the world. Skyped with a guy from Uganda before we left. Had a great interview.

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    3. Your cruise sounds great ! I looking forward to readkng your gay rights piece. It's deadly being gay in Uganda.

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  9. Wish you the best Buddy. Cheers

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