A calmer week ahead?

I have posts semi-prepared for later in the week, but this will be just a short update;  I'm not in the mood for anything more involved.

I doubt that anything will top the drama of last week!  This week is shaping up to be much calmer, thank goodness.    After being on the receiving end of much bitterness and anger, we had our first calm, polite telephone conversation in a long time during which each of us expressed concern for the other.   Our phone conversations always go better than our face-to-face meetings, which can be very difficult.  Emotions are very raw and will be so for months to come.  


 I will vacate my house for two evenings this week, so my wife can spend time with the kids by herself.  I will spend those evenings at my parents' house, which for the first time in decades, I actually enjoy.  My parents are treating me with great concern and kindness; not the usual nagging and criticism.  At their house, I enjoy cable TV, a well stocked liquor cabinet and being waited on hand and foot..... all things which do not exist at my house!

I also offered her extra time at my house for subsequent days each week (but with me still there, with each of us staying a separate area of the house.)  She thanked me but declined for now. 

We discussed how the kids are reacting to all this;  they seem fine, but we're not sure.  My son seems completely unaffected.  My daughter seems a bit sad but is being very brave about not burdening us with her concerns.  I was throwing up this morning (not sick, just my stomach twisted in knots due to stress) and my daughter came in to help, bringing juice and water for me.  I teared up at that after she left;  it seems that our roles are reversed.

I would like to thank everyone for their overwhelming support and advice, either through blog comments, private e-mails and even just by viewing the blog as a lurker.   It helps to know that I'm not alone....

Gay-Friendly High Schools

The biggest concern, by far, of the many gay-married-with-kids guys that I've heard from is this:  How will my children be affected when everyone finds out I'm gay?  Will they be bullied or teased at school?  Not allowed to hang out at their friends' houses?  It is a question which seems to haunt most gay-married-dads and one which they feel is largely out of their control.

Among the gay-married-fathers, I seem to be the odd man out.  I have no such concerns about my children whatsover. (hopefully not being naive here...)

I am absolutely confident that my kids will be fine when my "outing" reaches our wider community.  To start with, each kid is exceptionally self-confident and secure.  Both are very much leaders.  From an early age, each of them has shown remarkable courage in walking away peer pressure when the group was doing things which were unkind or just plain bad.   I frequently wonder where this came from because neither of their parents had that degree of self-assurance, even as young adults!

The other important reason that I'm not concerned about them is the exceptionally "gay-friendly" school which my children attend.
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Much as been said about the advantages of coming out at an early age, rather than at 45 as I did.  Readers of this blog from less gay-friendly countries than Canada, such as Saudi Arabia, Vietnam, and Malaysia let alone parts of  the United States and Australia, might have difficulty even imagining the gay-friendly atmosphere at my kids' public high school.  (Canadian catholic high schools are very much less gay friendly)

While we are not some gay "shangri-la", I am very proud of the advances made in my town and country in recent years.   You would expect the big Canadian cities to be gay-friendly, but the smallish city in which we live is also amazing in this regard.

The school has an extremely active GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) which has announcements most days over the PA system, frequent high-profile "gay awareness" events in the school and community, and posters everywhere.

In the past year, the school has flown the rainbow flag on the main flagpole outside the front of the school at least three times to mark days such as Word Aids Day, Anti-gay Bullying Day etc.   On these occasions, the rainbow flag was there for an entire week, not just that day.  The Canadian flag was actually removed from the flagpole for that time;  could this ever happen in some small "bible-belt" town in the southern US?   On Pink Shirt Day, (an anti-bullying campaign which originated in Canada), there was widespread participation from staff and students alike, either wearing pink clothing or agreeing to put on a pink ribbon.

I see little grade10 kids going around the school, quietly "out" wearing a rainbow belt or rainbow shoelaces and marvel at their courage and confidence.  They probably have no idea how much their lives were improved by the GLBT pioneers of previous generations.

Of course, there always will be morons who will bully and harass LGBT students.... as long as they tell an adult in the building, the school administration (with full school division support) will come down on the offender like a ton of bricks.  They have a "zero tolerance" policy for bullying of all kinds, especially LGBT bullying.

There are a small number of "out" gay teachers, some married to same-sex spouses, who invariably are the coolest and most popular teachers in the school.  (Don't know why that is.)   It helps that Canada as a whole has had full same-sex marriage rights for over 10 years and protections for LGBT people in every aspect of life, such as employment and every other area.... it is the only world these kids have known.

Of course, there are fundamentalist religious groups who oppose all this, who may have passed their intolerant views down to their children.  However, they are much fewer in number in the United States and much less vocal.   Canadians, as a whole, really support LGBT rights and loud vocal protests from religious nut-jobs would receive very little (ie:  close to none) public support.

Came out to my kids....

Re-reading this I thought, "Gosh.... what a boring post!"   I will leave the full account "as is" as I'm sure there are married gay/bi guys with kids who will want to read it all.  I'll probably  summarize it a bit in a few days
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I was a little tense about this all day, not the actual "coming out" part, but because my wife would be there as well. Apart from our difficult phone conversations, we hadn't met in a few days.  She arrived more emotionally fragile and distraught that I'd ever seen her in 20 years.

I felt very sorry for her but I hope this was the worst moment, and that she would eventually feel better soon.   By contrast, I was as happy and serene as a Buddha but I tried to conceal this as it would upset my wife.  She thinks I'm taking this all too lightly;  I'm not, but the whole coming-out process has been so positive and empowering!


We all sat down together and I told the kids (16, 14) the facts:

1. I starting noticing an attraction to men about 10 years ago,but had great difficulty in first recognizing, then admitting what it meant.  
2. The hardest thing was to actually admit to myself that I was bisexual or gay and this occurred very recently.  (I know I sound still in denial, but the debate "Do bisexuals exist? will be the subject of future post.)
3. Their mother found out accidentally over a year ago.
4. The past year has been extremely difficult for her as she tried to cope by spending as much time as possible away from me.
5. The kids needed to treat their mother with a great deal of compassion.
6. The severe emotional distress and anger experienced by their mother caused her behaviour to be not as usual;  that she was lashing out a lot of the time.
7. Then my wife cut in with a breaking voice saying, "I deserve to be happy.... and the only I can be happy is to spend most of the time at my house. (on the lake).   You kids can live here full-time, come live with me full time, or travel back and forth as you wish.  I just can't live here."  The "D" word wasn't mentioned, but the kids got the message, I'm sure.  It was heartbreaking for me to listen to her pain;  there was nothing I could do to fix it.
8. I said that the kids should try to spend as much time as they could at their mother's house... that it woudn't kill them to do so.
9. I also floated the idea that I would sell my house and get a place on the lake, so the kids can go back and forth easily.  They seemed receptive to this idea.
10. The kids and I hugged;  I said I was sorry for the shocking news, but telling the truth is the best way to deal with this. 
11. My wife asked if they had any idea that I was gay.  They said,  "no."
12. I said that this was probably the most difficult moment and that things will get better from her.
13. We all agreed that our 19 year old daughter (2000 miles away at school) will be told in person when she returns at the end of April.  She's a sweet and compassionate young woman;  I know she will be fine with the news and concerned about her mother's emotional state.

Throughout this, the kids were solemn;  stone-faced even.  My wife (concerned for their emotional well-being) started asking them a barrage of questions which I found it a bit annoying, but she was genuinely worried.   "Are you all right?  Do you understand what you heard?  It's okay if you get really angry with everyone around you!"  and on and on.... "Do you want me to make you an appointment with a _______"..... Then my daughter  cut in (very slight smirk, eye roll and an ironic glance), "...a therapist?  That won't be necessary, mom!" 

After repeatedly assuring their mother they were fine, my wife went out to the car to wait for my daughter, who will be staying with her for a day or two.   My son refused to go with them despite repeated requests from both of us, but said he will go out on Sunday.

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With my wife out in the car, I emphasized to the kids again that it was this issue which caused their mother to be so angry for the past year.  I said that bringing this out in the open could only make her happier, eventually, so everyone will be happier.   My daughter hugged me and thanked me for telling them my secret;  that it was good that they knew.  That was very special!

I told the kids that it was unlikely that their mother and I would ever live in the same house again for more than a few days, even though my wife told me yesterday that I could still go out to the lake house in the summer, on occasion, and she could spend a regular weeknight or two here. It may take time for that to occur.  My daughter said she understood that.

I said to my daughter, "This means we could now check out hot guys together."  We had a great laugh at that, and then I said that I hoped that we wouldn't be interested in the same age group of men.  I also said that it was highly unlikely that I would want to find a partner for many years to come.  If fact, I said, I might must be like my beautiful, vivacious grandmother was widowed at 40 and lived alone in perfect happiness for 55 years despite many suitors.  "Why would I want some old man to look after?"

My daughter left with my wife.  I asked my son what he thought of it all;  was he really all right?.  He said, "I'm fine, Dad.  When's supper?"  We discussed the menu and I am now making roast chicken thighs, gravy, mashed potatoes and peas.but right now, I'm pretty darned happy.  I'm sure that very difficult situations will occur as we go along, but I'm sure the kids will be just fine.

Talking about divorce

Warning:  When I was re-reading this before pressing the "Publish" button, this account reads like a terrible, melodramatic soap opera, but I think it was the biggest breakthrough for us in the past 1-1/2 years.

Things have calmed down considerably around here, so maybe I can be a bit more detailed about what is going on.  Before I begin, I need to explain about our living situation.  Together, we own two houses:  "my" house is about 15 minutes south of our little town, as a realtor would over-optimically describe, sort of an bush-league 'executive-style' house on an 'estate-sized lot.'  Our other house is a large, rambling place with a loft and spectacular views on a large lake about 25 minutes north of town.  A year ago, my wife and I drafted an agreement that in the event of a divorce, she would get the lake house, which she loves, and I would keep "my" house, which I owned before my marriage.

In the past year, my wife has lived at "her" house about 3-4 nights per week as a means of coping.   She has been an emotional wreck for most of the year following her discovery about my sexuality.  Sadly, she was often alone because the kids generally didn't go out there with her (except full time in the summer) preferring to stay closer to town at my house.

My wife came home very unexpectedly to my house two days ago (I was in another part of the house.)  She saw my computer open to some shocking stuff (tongue-in-cheek), some of your blogs.... Midwest Midlife, SoCal guy, GayChristianPastor  etc.   She became extremely angry, drove back to her house and had a bunch of screaming phone tirades at me puctuated by slamming down the phone, then phoning back and screaming some more.  Slam!  Slam!  She regarded my looking at these blogs (which are my attempt to understand the married-gay path I was on) as "cheating on her."

She finally got to the main cause of her distress.  She screamed that she missed her kids and needed to be with them for at least the next two days in "my" house, but with me not there.  (reasonable request)   I said that I would go live at my parents' for two days, telling the kids I was babysitting their dog.   I also said I would tell my parents were getting a divorce and I would tell  them about my sexuality, and repeat all this to the kids on Friday.  Part of the "Next Steps" in the blog title.

Today, she phoned me to apologize for yelling and to ask how it went.  I told her that parents  had long suspected that we were having marital problems, both being highly intuitive.  She agreed they were.  I also related my mother's "cancer" comment in response to my telling them I was gay.  I said that we weren't making light of her anguish, but my family had survived many far more serious crises than this.  She agreed.

She asked me, "Are you really ready to tell the kids about yourself.   They might not react very well."  I said, "Absolutely....I'm telling them about my sexuality and they'll be fine with it. "  I also said, "I don't even know if I'm 50% gay or 80% gay.... you know, I don't even feel gay!!".   She laughed and said that was funny, a rare occurrence.

I said, "They need to understand why you are never home and why you are angry all the time."   She begged me not to tell them about our divorce.  Crying... she said, I can't live without my kids, I can't live alone..... they are never going to want to live with me if we divorce (I strongly disagree with that view)   I started crying as well.... saying, "We have to get divorced... we can never be happy remaining married." She agreed.   She suggested, then I agreed , maybe she could live in my house but in a separate area  (it's a large house) for 2-3 week nights a week....so she could see the kids regularly.  I would be living elsewhere in the house. I said, "Probably."  

Aside:  It might make it awkward if I was bonking some 21-year old hottie upstairs.  (Just kidding!! )   I then suggested that maybe I could eventually sell my house (which I love ....I've lived there for 21 years and built it with my own hands), although the housing market isn't great, and buy a place on the lake near hers, so the kids can go back and forth freely.  That would be an ideal situation..... that might just work.   It was almost the light at the end of the tunnel.

Both of us were crying.... and she said "I care for you deeply."   I said the same back to her.   There's been too much water under the bridge recently to honestly say the "L" word right now. 

So..... one more night at my parents', and tomorrow afternoon, I'm telling the kids.  They will be fine, I know it!

Came out to my parents today

You may have noticed a more "pared-down" style of blogging here.  I must also tell you that I might even have to stop blogging altogether for a while.   It might be hard to blog about a crisis while you are in the middle of it,  emotions being too raw.  Also, I must restrict my comments to be only about myself with limited reference to others;  making all these disclosures online may not be helpful in the short term.

In the last day, due to various events, it seem certain that we are heading towards the "big D" with a full range of emotions / feelings involved.   To warn my parents,  I had an honest conversation with them which lasted a couple hours, to tell them everything.  They had long sensed the troubles which we were experiencing and weren't at all surprised but expressed great compassion and sympathy for everyone involved.

The Coming-Out
I was confident that my parents would react very well to my news.  I started by saying that, "I have some really big news for you"  before telling them that I might be gay, maybe not 100%, but close. I then told them that at least 50% of the problem in my marriage was due to the fact that I have had an attraction to guys for at least the last 12 years.  I also said that I admitted it to myself only  very recently;  pretty much in the last year and more strongly in the last several months.... I just didn't figure it out before then!

My mother said "Thank goodness.... I thought you were going to tell us that you had cancer again or that somebody in your family was sick or something."  I teared up at that:  I think of my cancer experience all the times, but I had forgotten how deeply it affected by whole family.  For my mother to put into perspective like that, wow! 

My parents listened to my whole account without flinching or passing judgement of any kind.  They are the quiet type and didn't say too much, but I know they are behind everyone in my family 100%.  They agreed that maybe it was for the best;  the only way that we all have a chance at happiness to divorce.

On Friday, both of us have planned a conversation  with the kids (once they've finished their last exam), where I will tell them all about my gayness and maybe together, we can speculate what will happen to our family in the near future.  I am absolutely confident that they won't care about me being gay, but know they will be very sad and upset (maybe only in private) at what is happening to our family.

My Blogging Goals

My Main Goal as a Blogger:

Bisexuality:  the 'second closet.'

As I blog my story, I hope to continue to increase the blog's readership, especially by guys like me.  I think married gay guys with children face the most difficult and complicated situation of all.  So many lives could be adversely affected, regardless of the decisions we take.

I have been astonished by the number of visitors my blog has received from all over the world.  Thank you!  It's very exciting!!

The whole point of starting this blog was to receive comments, observations, shared stories  and even advice from other guys who know something about this situation.  That exchange has already started; your support has been heartening.  I also hope that by blogging my story as it unfolds, some other guy like me, somewhere in the world, will somehow benefit by reading it.

It seems that there are a great many guys, married with kids, who are carrying a secret.  As Chris said to me in an e-mail,  the secret is "something that's probably been building. A secret you wish you didn't have".... that you're attracted to other men.    Michael said,  "I continue to believe that there are far more of us than the larger public could ever guess."

Feel free to ask me questions you wish: I will answer them either in a comment, private e-mail or blog post as you prefer.  If I don't wish to answer the question, I will tell you why.

Erections R Us

The Continuing Story of My Emerging Gayness

Cubby suggested I write about when I first recognized that I desired a man, rather than when I first just desired a man; a distinction which would never had occurred to me.  In other words, when did I first acknowledge the desire for what it was;  a sign that I was gay?   That's a tough one!  I'll have to think about that!  For now, I will start to answer that question with stories about the first two times that physical contact with a man gave me an erection.  I don't think that neither story qualifies as "recognition."

pharmacyescrow.com

1.  As nineteen year old cancer patient, I had my first (and so far only) digital prostate exam in a cancer clinic.  The usual undignified position:  kneeling on an examining table, reaching back to spread my cheeks apart while the doc shoved his finger up my poop-shoot.

As soon as he began massaging my prostate it was BOING!! an instant massive erection.   It was a point-at-the-ceiling erection, as only a nineteen-year old can produce.... alas, for me, now a distant memory.   This was a bit embarrassing, but as a gravely ill cancer patient, I had more important things on my mind.... it really was a non-issue.

I think this erection, which persisted for quite a while, was just a physical reaction to the prostate exam and had nothing to do with "desire" let alone recognition of anything bigger.

Peeve:  at work, I occasionally hear a 50ish colleague whining about the fact that he had to go for his digital prostate exam.  "Ewww!  I'm too manly to have a doctor stick his finger up my bum-bum!!"   The exam only lasts for a couple of minutes, for Pete's sake.    I tell them, first, that this exam is pretty minor compared to all the indignities that a woman have to endure for their examinations and in particular, during childbirth... where her va-jay-jay gets stretched out to the size of the Grand Canyon.   Secondly, I tell them (from Shakespeare), "Methinks he doth protest too loudly!   Your problem is that you actually love it when the doctor massages your prostate, and it scares the hell out of you!!"

2.   Second story:  To start, please read  the funny and talented blogger, Erik Rubright's story about his hot-dentist-man with a basket-of-plenty.  My story is similar.   I had radical surgery with zig-zag incisions running up my neck from shoulder to above my ear.  I was in pain and doped-up on pain medication.

A young, handsome, clean-cut doctor came to take out the many dozens of stitches.   I was asked to lie close to the edge of the bed;  Dr. Clean-Cut leaned way forward, rested  an elbow on the bed beside my chest and the other on my shoulder and mashed his basket very firmly against the back of my hand lying by my side.  (hard to describe the position; it must have been pretty awkward for him) .  I don't think that it was a "basket-of-plenty", but it was a real live basket, nonetheless.  I made no attempt to move my hand away.  I now wonder what would have happened if my hand had been facing towards his package.... plenty of cupping action, that's for sure.

I instantly popped a big erection, tenting my hospital gown, my penis yearning heavenwards.  It was an intensely intimate experience as he took the dozens of stitches out.  It took a very long time.  After 28 years,  I still remember his face inches from mine, his warm breath against my face (very pleasant), his scent (aftershave?)  and the pressure of his body lying partially on top of mine as he yanked the stitches out, one after another.  Was there desire? You, bet!   Did I recognize that I desired a man and there was something unusual about that?  Not a chance;  I was so unaware, I had no idea that a man could "desire" another man in any way;  it was just something that never would have occurred to me.

Aside:   Years later, I heard a comedy troupe on CBC radio performing a sketch.   One actor played a do-gooder woman from The Children's Wish Network.  She asked the other actor, playing a young black boy dying of cancer, what he would like as his final wish.  A trip to Disneyland?  A meeting with a famous athlete?  The boy answered, "For my wish, I would like to cradle a white man's balls."  (politically incorrect, I know, but this was about 10 years ago, and I think Canadians are a lot less uptight about race)