So far, we've had about four private meetings and several phone calls to discuss the details of our divorce. In addition, I met with a lawyer to find out about everything we need to agree upon. (more on that later) It's a very complicated process.... a real eye-opener!
The first couple of meetings were highly emotional and stressful with a fair bit of acrimony and name calling. (with me being on the receiving end) With each meeting, we were able to come to a firm agreement on at least a few items. We were then able to build upon those agreements during subsequent meetings so the degree of cooperation steadily improved.
About 90% of the items have been agreed upon. Very soon, we will together see a different lawyer-mediator who will ensure that all items have been addressed and put into writing. For the final stage, we will each see our own lawyers who will draft the final separation / divorce agreement based on the mediator's recommendations.
Throughout this process, a most remarkable transformation has occurred. There is an air of cooperation and even friendliness coming from my wife. This afternoon, my wife phoned me a couple of times and sent several texts. All of these exchanges were warm, friendly and helpful; she even sent a compliment my way. Unexpected, to say the least, especially considering some of the bitterness and hatred I've seen over the past seven months.
It's been a very long time since we've been able to speak such a friendly way. This is a very welcome change indeed, but I also experienced a wave of sadness. I am again starting to glimpse the vibrant woman I feel in love with twenty years ago. The sadness is for our failed marriage and the retirement we won't get to have together; my gayness made a future together impossible.
You are gay, there really is nothing you can do about that. You could say that you wouldn't have divorced but you just never know, there really is no point in dwelling on it or wondering what could have been.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote "I am again starting to glimpse the vibrant woman I feel in love with twenty years ago."
ReplyDeleteHope and pray (or whatever one's practice) that the vibrant and any joyful aspects in her life can be rekindled or restored. While you say that there is sadness (mourning perhaps?) for the end of whatever dreams you both had earlier in your life together, there is also the possibility of transformed lives for both of you. Some marriages are successful when the individuals work together to be supportive of both individual and mutual goals, so that the relationship is greater than the individuals. In this divorce process, are you relearning how to do this as a couple? It is possible that your divorce and 'unmarriage' will bear suprising and unforeseen fruits.
I know how hard it can be, but there is the possibility to see in 10 years from now and both of you will be happy in the new lives you'll both have built for yourselves.
ReplyDeleteWhen my parents separated 11 years ago, my mother had a serious nervous breakdown. With the love of her children and friends, she came through it all stronger and today she is happier than she's ever been.
I know it is hard to view the long term, but from the little you told us, your wife is well surrounded. She has the love of her children and I'm sure you will do what you can to help her too! There is a mourning process she has to go through! It's only a question of time.
Hugs
Jon
p.s. You don't have to post pics of sexy men in speedo you know.... we would come anyways... ;P
ummmmmmm, speedos...
ReplyDeletehoney, you are still in mourning for your married life, which is now over. you are closing that door. and you are embracing your new single gay life with gusto. it's ok to grieve; {{{{{hugs}}}}}.
There's always some form of regret, but you've passed the point of no return...you'll always love her in your own special way ;-)
ReplyDeleteMind of Mine: I'm not really dwelling on my gayness and "what might have been." I've long ago accepted our situation! I could have figured out that was gay and told my wife much sooner, however.... but that's ancient history now.
ReplyDeleteWill: Thank you for those thoughtful comments! I think my wife is just now seeing a hint of an exciting new life to come. I've been seeing my exciting new life (and even living it, partially) for a long time.
Deep Blue: I try not too talk about my wife too much on this blog out of fairness... no doubt, her point of view on this would be very different. Yes, she is emotionally fragile and has mental health issues, but I am confident that with her support network (and a generous settlement from me)that she will be just fine.)
By the way, I post the pictures of the hot men mainly for myself!
anne marie: thanks sweetie! Yes, it's a huge transition in our lives, that's for sure! My sadness was pretty fleeting; my main emotion is excitement when considering my new life.
Someday you'll have a BF and suddenly your outlook will be 100% forward. No more looking back.
ReplyDeleteYou are both getting a new lease on life. Of course, it will be hard on you and your wife. It will get better!
ReplyDeleteYou are fortunate; so many divorces are lengthy and nasty. I hope it all goes well enough
ReplyDeleteCubby and WranglerMan: Yes, it's a rare opportunity for a "new life" at my age. I plan to use my life experience and self-confidence (which I didn't have in my 20s) to make the most of it.
ReplyDeleteUr-Spo: I'm honoured that you took time from your vacation to comment! Yes, my wife and I know that an adversarial divorce would result in both of us ending up with nothing. I'm keeping my fingers cross that our spirit of good will continues.
Good for you and your wife's cooperativeness and friendliness. I just me my wife and son for the first time in 20 months since we separated. She cooperated in signing a form I urgently needed, so at least that is a start. I am envious that your wife's attitude has come around so much. And I understand that ineffable wave of sadness. I felt that seeing my wife and son again.
ReplyDeleteI gotta say, you give me hope. You know what I am going through at present. I cherish your suppor.
ReplyDeleteKevin
It's a rare opportunity, but make the most of it, my friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you WranglerMan! I'm keeping my fingers cross that we can keep it going like this.
ReplyDelete