Slowly Healing

Just a quick post to let everyone know that I am doing fairly  well.  Although I am not pain-free, my pain is significantly reduced from last week.  The strength in my arm on the affected side is gradually returning;  at one point last week, I was not able to use my arm at all.  Scary!!

As long as I do nothing at all, I feel myself getting steadily better.  On occasion, this has been difficult to achieve as I've had all the kids with me for most of this time.  Friends, neighbours and my parents have all pitched in to help as driving is the one thing which really aggravates my condition.  Living in a rural area, this is sometimes impossible to avoid.

I've had the odd set-back in my recovery, but mainly I'm progressing forward.  I'm just being impatient with the slowness of the healing;  a symptom of being middle-aged, I guess!

I would like to thank everyone again for all their best wishes.  It means a lot to me!

Guys that Get Me Hard

http://guysthatgetmehard.tumblr.com

I often find it hard to find online photos of hot older guys as most sites feature pretty boys in their 20s.  This site is full of guys of the type I like.  This guy is closer to my age and is super hot;  salt-and-pepper facial hair, lightly furred, beautiful thighs, slim hips and an amazing torso.   As well, who can resist the open-crotched pose and white short shorts with an added bonus:  a lovely visible penis line. 

Thanks again for all your support, concern and excellent advice.  Since I am not alone in the house, there will be no half-nekkid pics of me today.  Sorry about that!!

A common theme emerged from everyone's comments such as:   listen to your body, take the time to look after yourself and let others take care of you. 

• "perfect time to rest and relax before moving forward in your new life."
• "stop and take a breather."
• "your body is forcing you to get the relaxation you desperately need!"
• "the release of stress can do wonderful things for your body." 
• "don't go be a stupid man trying to do things you can't do while you're injured"

True to form, I foolishly ignored all this advice.  I felt so much better on Friday that I prematurely cut the pain meds by 50% and did a few things around the house such as empty the dishwasher.  Big  mistake!!  By bedtime, my pain had increased significantly;  I was pretty darn uncomfortable!  

I've learned my lesson!  I'm back on the full dosage of my pain meds and promise to remain completely immobile for at least the next several days.   I am feeling somewhat better again  and but only if I remain inactive.  I won't be tempted into doing anything I shouldn't while awaiting the MRI.

The kids have been fantastic and, without complaint, have been looking after every aspect of running the household including grocery shopping, yard work, mowing the lawn, cooking, doing laundry and washing dishes. My wife and I taught all the kids these skills from a very early age.  We believe that children who are multi-skilled develop an early sense of independence and self-confidence.   I think that the kids are enjoying doing these chores even more without a parent hovering over them, offering unsolicited advice.

The kids have also been waiting on me hand and foot, cooking and serving my meals, doing my laundry, nagging me if I get up off the couch, and yes, even emptying my pee can.*   Too much information, I know!

* Once time in Louisiana, we ordered pecan pie.   The waiter, a flamboyant young man said, "Daahhlings! ... a PEE-can is something you keep under the bed.... we pronounce it puh-CAHN'.  (stress on last syllable)

http://yummyhairydudes.tumblr.com

Torso

I would like to thank everyone for their support, advice and best wishes.  You have all been amazing! 

I debated a bit before posting about this injury.  In my real life, I rarely talk about my medical problems except with closest family and friends.  Also, this blog was meant to be anonymous and it just seemed like such a personal thing to be posting online for the world to see.

I felt I had to post about this if only to continue an honest story of my journey.  It would have been pretty fake to continue posting as though everything in my life was completely normal, when it clearly it isn't.

I'm having another great day doing nothing but lying on the couch with my dogs, napping, eating, watching DVDs and surfing online.  My work colleagues have been fantastic!  A colleague has stepped in to do a portion of my job as my job is too complex for the "temp" to do completely. 

I am feeling incrementally better as time passes.  My use of pain meds is much reduced and the anti-infammatory drugs are doing their job.  The underlying cause, the degradation of my neck vertebrae, is a problem which will not be easily solved.   I'm fairly sure that the MRI (in a few days) will show that I won't be needing surgery right now.  However, I do have grave concerns about the future state of my neck.  What will my neck be like when I'm 60?  When I'm 80?  What will my options be?  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and will certainly seek the most expert advice before proceeding.

I am to spend another week or so on bedrest.  I just need to be very careful not to do anything which will aggravate my neck and set back my recovery.   

The best thing about an incident like this is that it forces you to worry less about the things you might normally worry about, such as my separation, coming out and future financial problems.  Your health is the only thing that really matters;  everything else is relatively unimportant and generally will work itself out.

Just to prove to everyone that I'm feeling better, here's a half-nekkid pic of myself taken moments ago. Thanks again for all your best wishes!

Pain

Lil Abner comic strip character Joe Bftlspk 

I've hit a speed bump on my gay journey but hope that I am now slowly on the mend.  About five days ago (Day 1), I woke up with a severe pain radiating down one arm, shoulder and back.  I dragged myself around that day, but by Day 2, I was competely bedridden, popping Tylenol and Robaxin like they were Jube-Jubes but they weren't helping.  I thought it was a pulled muscle.

By Day 3, the pain worsened and I had numbness in my hand and foot on the same side and realized something was seriously wrong.

My doctor came over to my house ( okay, okay... he's my neighbour and friend... Canadian doctors don't do housecalls!)   He quickly diagnosed an extremely serious disk problem in my neck and told me spinal surgery might be needed. Back story:  I've had serious osteoarthritis in my neck since the age of 34,  an after-effect of radical surgery and radiation treatments on my neck done when I was a cancer patient 25 years ago.  This latest occurrence wasn't completely unexpected.

After he left, I suddenly became overwhelmed with everything that had happened over the past five months:  coming out to my family, my marital breakdown, crushing workload at work, a million jobs to do around the house and finally the prospect of surgery and now this unrelenting 24-hour-per-day pain.  I imagined spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair or in chronic, unmanageable pain.  I imagined my gay sex life being over even before it started.  It was too much!!

At that moment, my estranged wife phoned to find out what our doctor friend said.  At the sound of her concerned voice, I broke down and started to cry uncontrollably.  I couldn't escape the pain, I couldn't drive a car, could barely walk....it was just too much!!!  My wife immediately offered to come over and help out, but I said thank you, but no.  I just could not have her here.... I just couldn't.

The kids were hanging around, gravely concerned, as they had never seen their father sobbing uncontrollably.  When I stopped crying thirty minutes later, I explained to them and to my wife (on the phone) about the situation. The kids have taken over completely the running of my household and have been waiting on me hand and foot ever since.

X-rays on Day 4 confirmed a "moderate to severe" degeneration on two vertebrae in my neck but we already knew that.  Most likely, these vertebrae were causing pressure on my spinal column or a spinal nerve, causing the relentless, excruciating pain.

My doctor friend arranged for me to see a specialist doctor on Day 5.  Since I didn't have an appointment, I spend the two hour wait lying on the waiting room floor in excruciating pain.  I spend the entire consultation curled up in a fetal position on the examining room floor, gasping with the intense pain while the doc asked his questions.  The excellent doctor prescribed the maximum possible pain relief and heavy-duty anti-inflammatory drugs (to reduce swelling of the disk).  At work, my colleagues have been working hard to ensure my replacements have everything they need to do my job.

Right now, Day 6, I am on 100% bed rest, but very comfortable and  nearly pain-free. I've had a great day, free from job worries, tucked up on the couch with my dogs, eating, buzzed on pain pills and watching DVDs.  Not a care in the world! (at least I'm trying hard to convince myself that is the case)   I am confident that the anti-inflammatory drugs are doing their job. I can feel them at work!   In fact, I've now cut back on my pain meds by 50% (I didn't like the spaced-out feeling) and still feel fine.

Next step:  an MRI on Day 7 or 8 will tell us if there is actual disk damage which will require surgery.  Otherwise, drug treatment will suffice for now.  I'm pretty sure that I won't need surgery next week, but time will tell.  

I just needed some eye-candy to look at.

"You look hot!"

swedishparamedic.tumblr.com

Recently I was out with my kids and ran into a young man who had been my client for a couple of years.  I hadn't seen him in about five years.

  

He was about 23 and had been on a football scholarship at a US college.  He was the most gorgeous physical specimen; amazing ass, brilliant blue eyes, muscular, shaved head with a pretty face.

Although he was a very masculine'football jock' and indeed, had a girlfriend when I knew him years ago, I constantly wondered if he had an interest in guys.   He had always been locking eyes with me and seemed to have an intensity about him whenever we spoke.   If he was gay (and I'm not at all sure that he was), then I'm sure that he sensed my latent gayness as well. All the gay boys (or those who were probably gay) always seemed to figure me out.

We chatted for a minute about his football career and  I complimented him on his weight gain (he'd been a skinny kid.)   He confirmed it was needed for football.   He then flashed a beautiful smile and said to me,  "You look hot!"  *

There was a long pause with his brilliant blue eyes still locked on me; I didn't know what to say,  Gosh, he's a former client!!!..... hmmmm..... while he waited for my reaction.  I said "Thank you......... but why are you telling me this?"   I then said I had to go and practically ran away.  My kids waiting for me;  that was my excuse. 

Check out this video on the hot Turkish oil wrestlers!.

I know he was dead serious but wondered why he told me that.  Looking back, I think he was just being flirtatious. Another possibility is that he was one of those straight boys who likes to tease, who likes to get gay guys all hot and bothered.

I am accustomed to receiving the occasional compliments in my real life, but this one was a first!!    The first I've received since I've admitted I was gay and from a hot, very young man.  It freaked me out a bit  (okay, a lot);  first, he was a former client ** and second, he was less than half my age.  I'm older than his parents, for Pete's sake!  

* I was wearing a tight black T and black skinny jeans with my coolest shoes.  I think I did look pretty darn hot, for a middle-aged guy.    

** fraternizing with former clients is allowed only if the client is an adult and one full year has passed since the client relationship ended.

Proust Questionnaire

http://www.lycrakeen.com

The Proust Questionnaire became popular when French writer Marcel Proust took it in 1890.  It is designed to reveal the 'real you.'  This version appears at the back of Vanity Fair Magazine where celebrities provide their publicist-approved answers.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being in perfect health and hanging out in my own home, surrounded by my children and dogs.  Second choice:  skiing anywhere in the Rockies, the Swiss Alps, the Andes,  New Zealand....
2. What is your greatest fear?
Dying a gay virgin  (but I've already decided I'm not going to let that happen.)  Second choice:  having someone in my family (children or parents) die of a lingering, painful illness such as cancer. 
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Procrastination.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
People who are blindly accepting and judgemental, like those fundamentalist religious types.
5. What is you greatest extravagance?
Not a thing.  I'm pretty frugal!  (That's boring, I know)
6. On what occasion do you lie?
To avoid hurting someone's feelings over something that really doesn't matter or that they can't change. 
7. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My ever-thickening waistline.
8. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would make myself about 20 years younger but only if I could keep all the self-confidence and life experience I have right now. One reason to do this would be to once again live without all the aches and pains of middle age such as those caused by my arthritis.
9. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? 
I would very much like to marry a husband who was sweet, sexy, adventurous, kind and who loved me unconditionally.  About my children:  I wouldn't change anything!   About my estranged wife: I would like her to be truly happy.
10. What do you consider you greatest achievement?
Raising my children mainly by myself under (sometimes) difficult circumstances and having them become fine, responsible citizens. Nothing else I do could be more important.
11. If you died and came back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
A bicycle seat.  Second choice: a wrestling singlet.   See pics above and below.
12. What is you most treasured possession?
I don't have any "things" or "stuff" which I am emotionally attached to.  Owning property, my own home, is extremely important to me, however.   I would say my children but they are not my 'possessions';  rather, they are independent people. 
13. What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery?
To have no one who loves you or cares whether or not you live or die.
14. Who are your heroes in real life?
My grandmother, widowed as young woman, who raised young children from infancy by herself through the Depression, through WWII in an occupied country and then immigrated as a single woman with her children to find a better life.
15. How would you like to die?
Surrounded by loved ones, probably in a hospice and with perfect pain relief.  I would need plenty of advance notice so that I could properly settle my affairs and say goodbye to my family.
16. What is your motto?
Don't sweat the small stuff, but keep in mind, everything is small stuff, except for your health and the health of your family.

 

Spandex, revisited

Me in spandex ski tights.

I've rearranged the pics in last week's  "Spandex:  God's Gift to Gay Men" poll in the order of popular vote.  Wrestler Tommy Rowlands (my fav) in the grey singlet topped the poll.  The pic of me in black spandex tights, front view, captured the third last spot!  Thank goodness I didn't come in last place! What a humiliation that would have been!!

Recently, my youngest was a competitor in a  bike race of 13-14 year olds.  About half the boys wore spandex cycling tights or shorts. While I thought it was great that they had the self-confidence to wear spandex,  I kept having to avert my eyes to avoid looking at them.  Ick!!.  Their outfits were so revealing!  Awkward!  As most were younger than my own children,  I just didn't want to be forced to look at all of their jiggling bits.

The cycling coaches, however, were the most perfect specimens of manhood.  They were all  real men in the 35 - 50 age range with beefy cyclists' thighs, furry legs, amazing calves and bubble butts.  They all, to a man, filled the fronts of their spandex shorts admirably .....  and caused a definite stirring in my nether regions.

Although I understand this is a problem elsewhere, I never see fat, out-of-shape people in the grocery story or at Wal-Mart unfortunately dressed in spandex.  Maybe this is due to the cold climate,  a Canadian sense of reserve or the fact that I live in a small, fairly conservative town.

http://cyclistbulge.blogspot.com

As a middle-aged man, I only wear spandex during athletic competitions or for training.  Even at these events, unless I actually have skis on my feet or am on my bicycle, I cover up quickly.   However, most of the guys in the 45 - 70 age range who I see at local events wearing spandex are very fit.  After a lifetime of cross-country skiing and  biking, their legs and butts look fantastic in spandex!!!

http://www.lycrakeen.com