Options for a Married, Closeted Guy with Kids

For a closeted DILF with young children, there are few options, none of them easy and all of them potentially leading to disaster, heartbreak and a destruction of the family.  I've borrowed some of these options from an excellent post by No Way Out for a SoCal Guy but added own my opinions and experiences.

1. Remain married, closeted, faithful  and have regular sex with your wife:  This is relatively easy for a young, horny married guy in his 20s to do.  The closeted young married man can convince himself that he can do this forever.  However, as us gay/bi married men age, it becomes increasingly difficult to deny our gay side.  To make it more difficult, his wife is aging as well and becoming less attractive to him, particularly if she has had a couple of kids.  Eventually, it becomes nearly impossible for the closeted bi/gay guy to have sex with his angry, aging wife.  The closeted DILF faces a lifetime wasted, wanking off to gay porn in a marriage devoid of any real intimacy or love. 
2. Remain married, closeted, but screw around with men on the side:  In my opinion, living this lie is dishonest, self-destructive for the DILF and is terribly unfair to your wife. Neither party has a real chance to move on.  Being unfaithful is something (I like to think) that I would never have done... but to be completely honest, I might have. "Never" is a very long time indeed.
3. Remain married and be out to your wife, but experience your gay side:   I cannot imagine any woman agreeing to such an "open marriage" but I understand from http://biguyslikeme.blogspot.com/ that as many as 1 in 6 married gay guys have such an arrangement.  If a couple has an honest, mutual agreement with excellent communication, more power to them!  I think, how could this arrangement be emotionally healthy for anyone?   For me,  endless hookups with different guys and would become empty.  Also, what happens when you fall in love with a regular fuck buddy and want a real relationship?
4. Leave his wife and seek a divorce (coming out to her, or not):    This would be extremely painful and traumatic for the entire family.  The DILF faces financial ruin with child support and alimony payments.  He risks being estranged from his children and others in his life.  The DILF worries that his kids will be messed up.  As difficult as this option is, it is the only one which allows both husband and wife to move on with their lives.  Each has a chance to find true intimacy and happiness with others who they can truly love.

Up until a year ago, I was fully prepared to attempt to live the closeted option #1 for the rest of my life, although a transition into screwing around with guys on the side (option #2) was always a possibility.  Although my "outing" was accidental, I now regard it as the best thing that ever happened to me.   Right now, for me, option #4 is the only route for me.

My favourite posts from my favourite bloggers

Sexy bear pic from http://bearofaman.blogspot.com

Things continue to calm down here.  Without revealing the details right now, we've had a couple of conversations this week remarkable for their civility and soul-baring honesty.  Despite the anger which remains, another small step forward ---------------------------------------------------------

Over the past several months, each of the bloggers listed below has treated me with incredible kindness and concern.  Through comments on my blog and private e-mails, each has offered support, compassion, many compliments and much experienced, excellent advice.

Many have expressed concern for me or offered a gentle warning, fearing I may be heading down a wrong path.  Several others have been very proactive and have taken the initiative to search for LGBT opportunities and resources in my community and to advise me to partake of them.

You've enriched my life and made my difficult journey less solitary, more informed and infinitely easier.  Thank you!  I will be forever in your debt.

By way of their blogs, each of  these guys has brightened my day, made me laugh or made me think.  I've  selected some of my favourite past posts.

1. Sean  modelling the Spo-Shirt.  While I loved all his Spo-shirt pictures, it was this picture which caused a stirring in my nether regions:     That sweet smile!  Those manly legs!  Calves to die for!  The best part is Sean's thigh, coyly drawn forward to conceal his manly- bits.
2. Jim's Spo-shirt shower (at the bottom of the post):   a funny, sexy, man with a hot, muscular body, great smile and great rhythm.  An irrisistible combination!   Here is his even sexier half-nekkid shower dance video clip from 2009.  
3. Sean's naked crochet post.  A sweet man, a sweet voice, a crochet project and nudity: the incongruity is just irresistibe!
4. From Blobby's Blog,  Blobby's  and Denton's wedding photo:   A beautiful, inspirational photo of two handsome men in love.
5. Cubby's post "Do Straight Men Exist?":  an interesting post on the spectrum of sexuality which generated many interesting comments.  This was of particular interest me as a formerly "straight" guy on his evolution through bi-curious to gay.
6. The married dad (is it rude for me to call him a DILF?) writing New Day,  New Life is empathetic, self-reflective, intelligent, very funny, horny and deeply concerned the effect his coming out will have on his wife and children.  As well, he is sexy as hell , as this post shows. 
7. RG of Duce Y Pelligroso is the master of sexy, irrepressible comments on other blogs and his own.  Some may be surprised at the depth of his compassion when, as an experienced gay guy, he takes the time to offer guidance and advice to this newbie.  His post "Bloggers With Which I Would Engage in Sex" is classic RG.
8. Dr. Spo is the grandaddy of bloggers:  intelligent, charming, witty and thoughtful.  His multi-post "Guide to Tea" lessons is typical of his quest to educate and entertain his readers.
9. The author of Is There a Way Out for a SoCal Guy? is a mid-40s married father who is gradually making his way out of the closet.  His integrity, thoughtfulness and compassion for his wife are exemplary.  This post is a typical example of his intelligence and self-reflection.

Grocery store DILF, continued

Not the DILF, just a random pic from the internet.

Of all of the gay/bi-married-closeted guys, I think that the younger, closeted DILFs with very young children face the toughest situation of all.

Over a period of many months, the hottie grocery store DILF (described in a previous post) and I would "notice" each other at many neighbourhood events, culminating with his really obvious grocery store checkout of me. The difference this time, I think, was that he knew that I knew.

A few weeks later, I was at our neighbourhood elementary school attending our childrens' talent show.... "talent" used here in the loosest sense of the word.  The grocery store hottie sat down beside me with one empty seat between us:  there were no other seats available.

To digress, hottie DILF was just beautiful;  very slim with a flat stomach, blue eyes, short blonde hair and looking like a more handsome version of Bradley Cooper.   He had the slimmest of hips leading to lovely muscular thighs filling his tight, low-rise jeans deliciously.  The jeans accentuated a beautiful bulge. He looked far better that the open-crotched guy in the picture above.

He slouched with his legs outstretched.  His knees spread wide, hottie DILF sat with an open-crotch pose which suggested that he needed more ball room than his tight pants would allow.  He was good to his jeans;  very good.      Do I sound obsessed?  I certainly hope not...and I don't think I was.  He really was the most stunning man.  The fact that he had noticed me made it an an irresistible combination!

This time his behaviour was quite different.  Although he knew I was sitting there, this time, he refused to meet my eye...... he just stared stonily forwards;  his facial muscles working as he clenched his jaw shut.  Here's my interpretation of the situation:  I could be wrong, but clearly, he'd had enough.  Our mutual checking-out of each other had gone too far.  It was too much of a risk to him.  He was angry and maybe even afraid.

For a closeted, married DILF with young children, there are a few options, none of them easy and all of them potentially leading to disaster, heartbreak and a destruction of the family.

NOTE:  The discussion of these options and my experiences with them will be big topic, so I will make them the subject of my next post in a few days.

Large Tony in Aussiebums

This is a departure from my usual "gay" posts about me, me, me, but I could not resist.

I came across a stunning picture of an incredibly sexy young man who writes West of Mayberry from East Tennessee.  In addition to being sexy, Tony is an incredibly talented, heartfelt, passionate, intelligent, witty and perceptive writer with a very large following of devoted blog readers.

He was sent a free pair of Aussiebums on the condition that he post a picture of himself in them.  If I were a gay southern Baptist guy, I would have exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!!".... but I'm not.

I think everyone would agree, no one fills out a pair of Aussiebums better than Tony.    He proves that the story about how he got his nickname, Large Tony is most certainly true.  And the rest of him looks pretty drool-worthy, as well.  Here's the link to his picture:

http://mayberry.largetony.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/20110130-IMG_2531-1sm.jpg

I think Tony looks better in his Aussiebums than the model in the promotional video, don't you? What about it, kind folks at Aussiebum?  Wouldn't you want an online picture of me modelling my free pair of Aussiebums?

My Gay Evolution

My evolution from straight to gay has been a very slow process.  Although I now identify myself as”gay”, right now, colour me “confused.”

Mid-to-Late 20s:   I belonged to an men’s sports group, so every week I had unlimited views of the sexiest athletic bodies and flopping cocks galore.  Not once did I have the slightest flicker of desire or a tingle in my nether regions.  Rarely had I ever seen gay porn and never sought it out.  On the rare occasion that I did notice a particularly handsome guy, I would think, “Wow, I really like those jeans he is wearing!”   Sometimes, I would actually go out and buy the same pair to try to emulate his look.  We all know I should have been thinking, “Wow, I really like the way he fills out those jeans!”

Early 30s:  This was the first time I actually noticed hot guys as being hot.... and gave some thought to cock. We were hotel poolside  when a visiting  French soccer team walked by all wearing black Speedos.  These hottie athletes were in their  20s and were all stunning. Just breathtaking!!  It was the first time that I seriously noticed the bulge of another guy along with all those other sexy parts...those muscular "soccer player" thighs! Those pecs and abs!  And not just one bulge, but a dozen hot bulges with much jiggle action!  Bonus!! Had I been standing, I might have felt weak at the knees... but  I still would never have acknowledged that sexual desire was at the heart of my interest.

Mid-30s to early 40s:  I started exclusively  looking a pictures of naked men online, sporadically at first and then daily.   All my porn viewing was accompanied by ...er.... jerking off ... wanking  choking the chicken.   I truly believed that I could continue to look at naked pictures of men and still fulfill my husbandly duties, although sex was virtually non-existent at our house.  I would never have considered “hooking up” with another guy; partly because I could never have been unfaithful but also because I lacked the courage to initiate anything.  After all, I wasn’t even gay!!

Last year:   Busted!   At the time, I truly believed that, “I wasn’t completely straight,” nothing more.

In the past month:  I’m now exclusively identifying myself as “gay,” to myself and to my entire family.  This transition occurred after much reading of blogs (written by guys like me, bi/gay/married/closeted/with children) and countless e-mailed exchanges with over a dozen bloggers sharing their stories, experiences and advice.  Also, writing this blog forced me to think about what I wanted sexually and what I liked for the very first time in my life.

For the first time,  I finally admitted to myself that what I’d been feeling for other guys was, in fact, sexual desire.

Yet.....and yet....I still wonder: “How “gay” I am I, really?   I often don’t feel “gay” at all.  I am now only aroused by men, not women, but usually in the abstract via online images. Only rarely do I get a stirring “down there” when I see a hot guy walking by.   Right now, I’m mainly feeling battered, exhausted, stressed and worried about my family’s future and my own.  My biggest concern: one day I will be in an intimate situation with a gay guy that I care about and I won’t be turned on. I would hate to hurt another guy’s feelings.  Much more time is needed, I think!

Closeted DILFs

Things are slightly calmer here. There hasn’t been any yelling, blaming or name-calling for a while, although the underlying bitterness remains, which may be forever. Our infrequent conversations are now business-like, if quite chilly, centred on the kids and have dealt with minor issues only. All have ended with an agreement and a "Thank you." Baby steps! However, we are nowhere near ready to talk about any of the really difficult issues.....more time is needed!  Many difficult challenges lie ahead.

My neighbourhood is full of hottie DILFs, all 35 - 50 years old. The majority are incredibly fit and sexy. As is typical in British Columbia, the DILFs are triathletes, runners, hockey players, skiers, long-distance cyclists, the lot.

A bonus: these athletic DILFs have reached the age where they are not shy about wearing spandex tights or shorts for their athletic activities or even Speedos for triathlon training. Eye-candy galore! Also, a major distraction as you drive by in the car, keeping one eye peeled for any jiggling action.

As a "hockey dad", I’ve attended countless games and neighbourhood events for many years surrounded by the DILFs. It has only has been very recently with my heightened "gay awareness" that it is suddenly obvious to me that at least a couple of them are in the same married/gay/bi/with kids category as me.

How can I tell the closeted DILFs * are different from the straight Dads?

• They wear tighter-than-usual jeans, cut to accentuate the bulbous groin region and ass. These jeans are always the coolest, sexiest ones such as Diesel or some Italian label (hard to come by in this hick town). The straight neighbourhood Dads only wear the cheapest possible saggy-assed "Dad jeans" from stores like "Bob’s Bargain Basement."
• The closeted DILFs are incredibly well groomed in every area, especially hair, while the straight Dads usually sport a rumpled look and probably forgot to brush their hair that morning.  Sometimes, the straight Dads suffer from rampant nose hair.
• Although they are often with their kids and lumpy little wives, the closeted DILFs are constantly checking out the other guys. Since I am also checking them out, we have, on occasion, locked eyes.... but in more of a nervous, deer-in-the-headlights manner. The wife and kiddies are near by, after all!

Last month, I passed one of the sexiest, youngest, closeted DILFs in the grocery store.... he with his snotty-nosed kids in tow. We locked eyes very briefly as we passed in mid-aisle. Seconds after passing, we both simultaneously turned around to check out each other. Gotcha! His checking-out of me was very blatant, almost aggressive and absolutely unmistakable. He twisted his neck and torso around so sharply I thought he might give himself whiplash........ it made my day!

Will I ever hook up with one of these sexy, closeted neighbourhood DILFs?  NO!!!!  The expression, "Don’t shit in your own bed." applies here.

* some of these observations may be based on wishful thinking, but I don’t see how I can be entirely wrong.

http://bulgesandbutts.tumblr.com

Broken Gaydar

Now that I am officially gay, I check out every guy to see if he's gay (and hot.)  I can only hope that I'm doing this discreetly enough.   Unless a guy is flamboyant and really "out there", I'm the last person to figure out that he's gay.  My Gaydar is not only broken, it is non-existent, probably due to a life-time of non-use. Help me out by taking the Gaydar poll, above.

At the age of 28, if asked, I would have said that I had never met a gay person.  I really was that clueless.

No, my dentist didn't look like this.

In fact, I grew up surrounded by gay guys and only figured it out decades later;  my dentist, a few teachers, class mates, several shopkeepers and several "confirmed bachelor" colleagues of my parents.  During that time (1960s to 1980s), by necessity, gay guys in my town probably could not be out at all.   "Out" gay characters were never seen on TV shows and very few (or no) celebrities were out.

The rare gay stories in the media were generally negative ones.   The first and biggest gay media story I remember occurred in 1977.  A 12-year-old Toronto shoeshine boy in Toronto,  Emanuel Jaques was sexually assaulted and brutally murdered.  In the aftermath, many massage parlours, saunas and adult magazine shops  were raided and forced to close.

It's no wonder that previous generations of gay guys felt they had to remain in the closet for their whole lives.