Through my employer's Employee Assistance Programme, I had a one-hour session session this week to discuss a couple of problems I've been having with my ex-wife. I don't actually know if he was a marriage counsellor, therapist or some other sort of mental health professional but I left the session feeling empowered and invigorated.
I had foolishly thought that my ex-wife and I would finally be done with each other, four years after coming out to her and after three years of separation and nearly one year of divorce. But I'm still as enmeshed * with her as ever; in some ways, her behaviour has become more erratic.
*Dr. Spo first introduced me to this term!
Problem #1: Annoying and even abusive texting. I would NEVER voluntarily text my ex-wife for any reason and she sometimes goes for a whole month without texting me at all. But on other occasions, she will text me thirty times in one day and these can come at any time: 6:00 am or midnight or when I'm in class. I should say that a few of the texts are constructive or at least neutral.
But too many of the texts are usually downright rude and often involve some conflict she's having with one of the kids where she expects me to intervene and "talk some sense" into one of the kids. These texts are always stressful and invariably, I can't support her unreasonable demands which just causes her anger to escalate. She always to have the last word.
If I don't respond instantly, she will text repeatedly: "Well!!!!!??????!" and send the same text over and over. Incidentally, she demands an instant response with all the kids as well (which they hate) but if they text her, she might not respond for days.My ex has taken all the fun out of owning a SmartPhone. I love getting texts from my kids, friends and especially, from the hot guys who want to have sex with me. But when a "bing" signals the arrival of a text, my heart sinks and I assume it's another unreasonable demand from my wife. It's become an instrument of abuse and there is no escaping it, 24/7.
EXAMPLE: Last week, I mentioned casually to my eldest daughter that her mother texted me 15 times during the school day about some issue. Eldest daughter said, angrily: "Mom's been at me about this all week! Now she's trying to get at me through you! I"M GOING TO TELL HER TO STOP TEXTING YOU!!!!" I asked her not to: my ex goes ballistic if she knows that we've been talking about her.
The kids and some friends have urged me to block my ex but I want to take the high road and consider the bigger picture. As co-parents, we still need to maintain contact. I feel that blocking her would be a provocative act which would poison every future contact between us which might occur at big family events such as the marriages of our children or births of grandchildren.
Problem #2: Excessive spending on the kids. Our divorce agreement dealt with child support differently for each of the three kids. We have no financial obligation for our eldest daughter (now 22) who is an independent adult. We committed to providing equal funding towards our middle daughter (now 19) as we are able, towards her university tuition and other education expenses only.
Our son (17.3 years old) is our only dependent child. Each of us is required pay for our son's daily upkeep when he is living at our respective homes and to discuss in advance the big purchase (such as a ski membership or new snowboots). For these larger expenses, we usually split the cost evenly between us. This system has worked fairly well until recently.
But in recent months, my wife has spent a few thousand dollars on items for all the kids (over their objections) and billing me half of the cost which I cannot afford. The vast majority of the spending does not adhere to our divorce agreement and she is unwilling / unable to provide receipts or any form of accounting. The kids are angry at her for this latest tactic and urge me not to pay.
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I must continue this text on Monday because Miner Dude will be coming to my house for another round of sexytime very soon. I must wash up!
The therapist give me some exceedingly sensible, balanced advice which I am now following. What do you think he suggested as the best course of action?
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To me it sounds like a court action.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rick! If might not come to that! But for now, the sums involved don't justify the $450/hour lawyers' fees!
DeleteI think you will have to accept you will always be in each other's lives. As for the expenses, if they fall outside of the agreement, don't pay them. Don't attempt to pay them and make it clear you aren't going to pay them.
ReplyDeleteYes; divorce is forever! Our agreement specifically states: "With consultation and agreement" with regard to these exceptional expenses.
DeleteI agree with skier, but I would urge you to do so in writing with a clear restatement of the divorce agreement, stating that her expenditures were made without prior consultation with you and over your children's objections. Keep copies. I thought some while ago (and mentioned in a comment) that her tactics were aimed at keeping you in her life some way, any way. Legal action to get you to pay what she would claim was "your share" would be a very effective way for her to do it.
ReplyDeleteI remember you telling me that she still wants me in her life some way. The irony is that her tactics have pushed me further and further away. And yes, I have concerns about her initiating legal action, especially 5.5 years from how when my spousal support payments stop.
DeleteI have no experience in this but do have a few suggestions. You might be able to assign a specific ring tone to her txts and calls so at least you know if it's her or not. Since she has no issues contacting you then maybe when she's in a less negative mood you can ask her to contact you before buying things over a certain amount or things that might fall outside your agreement.
ReplyDeleteHope you struck gold!
The different ringtone is a fantastic idea! I don't know enough about my Samsung Galaxy III phone to do this; maybe I should get one of my twenty-something bed-mates to do it for me!
DeleteYour 17.3 year old son can probably do it in his sleep. Just tell him to show you how to do it generically, and pick your mother's name to assign "How Great Thou Art" or something to it.
DeletePeace <3
Jay
I agree with Sean about the texting. In particular, I would make texts from her silent, so that you do not associate notifications with negativity. I wish there was a way you could communicate that you will respond to her texts on your timeline, not hers. Then she can text you 50 times an hour, but you might only see one.
ReplyDeleteThe expenses thing is hard. I do think it is reasonable to ask for receipts.
Thanks for all that excellent advice!
DeleteOh, she is still angry at you. It’s her way of getting back at you, forcing you to interact with her.
ReplyDeleteAbout the texting:
Write her, that you do work, you don’t have time to react to all her texts at unreasonable times. Since it often may concern topics about your kids, suggest her that she can email you and you are going to check the mails once a day. If it is very urgent, she should call you – but stress the fact that it needs to be URGENT for a call. If it is just a disagreement she has with your son, it can wait till you have time to read the mails. Your daughters are both grown-ups and you don’t see the necessity to discuss them any longer with her.
About the money:
You have the agreement, which states very clearly what needs to be paid and also that big expense need to be discussed in advance. Anything else she’s bought is not your concern and you don’t have to pay it. If she buys stuff neither you nor the kids want, don’t pay. I absolutely agree with Will. If she wants to buy something expensive, she can contact you and explain why she thinks it’s necessary. Then you have the opportunity to ask the kids, what they think of it, if they need it. Remind her of the “IN ADVANCE”-part.
And the stuff she’s bought so far…..if you really think that maybe you should pay some of it to keep the peace (actually, I wouldn’t), she should make a list, with copies of the receipts and you go through the list with your kids, so that they can tell you, which of the buys were necessary. These are the ones you’re going to pay your share, the rest is her problem.
Good luck.
Coming from a woman, your viewpoint is especially valuable to me. Thanks for taking the time to write!
DeleteAnd also thanks for all the excellent suggestions.... they were the best of all! I especially like the 'once-a-day' reading of the e-mails.
DeleteI'm a divorced dad too, and I also deal with an irrational ex. I hate the feeling of having my throat thicken when the phone shows she's on the other end. It's one reason I'm on blood pressure meds now. At some point I decided I was not a slave to her ranting calls, and I let most of her calls go to voicemail so I could listen to them when I was calmer. One time I answered after several rings and heard her saying, "He's avoiding me again. He's not going to answer the phone." Bitch! I sweetly said hello. ;)
ReplyDeleteIt's gotten easier as my kids have gotten older and the calls are fewer. But even though they are adults and living on their own, I still have to deal with her and her crappy attitude from time to time. I do it as gracefully as I can for the kids' sake, and I think they've always appreciated it. Hang in there, bro.
Adam.... thank you for relating your story about someone who's has lived through this! Us formerly married gay Dads must stick together! It's good to know that we're not alone.
Delete"limits" and "structure" - the two magic words to learn and apply. .
ReplyDeleteI hate texting and the manners (or lack thereof) they can elicit.
Thank you to everyone who offered such concern and sensible advice. I won't comment individually on your suggestions because I will deal with them all on Monday's post. The therapist made many similar suggestions which I will follow. **hugs**
ReplyDeleteRugby thighs are the best.
ReplyDeleteHope it all works out for you Buddy.
that tumblr is my new mecca.
ReplyDeletebest of luck with your ex...
Lots of documentation... write down everything she wants you to pay for, whether you do or not and how much (always by cheque so you have a receipt). Write down time of texts, especially repeated texting as you mention.
ReplyDeleteThen, when or if either of you is facing a judge, YOU have the upper hand. Judges appreciate good documentation.
Peace <3
Jay