In my last post, my reluctance about having sex with HIV+ Guy* generated a great deal of valuable discussion. The state ments by Sean and Cubby that "you have already had sex with someone with HIV" are a bit jarring.
By sheer coincidence, HIV+ Guy* invited me for coffee on Sunday evening. I couldn't go since my daughter had my car and I was stuck out in the country with no wheels. But we made a date for later this week.
* By the way, I will call him "Doug" as it's highly disrespectful of me to name him for a probably non-detectable medical condition.
He's a very nice guy and anyone my age would consider him a "catch. " We've met twice before in the very early days of my life on the online hookup site but to be honest, I wasn't quite feeling the chemistry. If we do meet, I intend to admit to Doug the honest truth about my (past) concerns about his HIV status and let the chips fall where they may.
But we might not even meet; he's proposed coffee dates a couple of times before but didn't follow through when I wasn't available on the first invitation
My main concern about Doug (other than his HIV+ status) was that he seemed a bit morose, depressed even, during our first two meetings. I think the main trigger for this mood was that he is lonely and is constantly rejected by all the local gay guys because of his HIV+ status. Having lived with a depressed person for twenty-one years, this would be the biggest deal-breaker for me. I have a positive, smiling personality that some describe as charismatic or vibrant. "Depressed" is one thing that I'm not!
My even bigger concern is that I'm nowhere near finished my slut phase. If I get involved with anyone too soon, I will be forever yearning for all the cocks that I didn't suck.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. We're just going out for coffee! But I'm fairly sure that Doug will ask me out to the movies, dinner or just to the gym with him .... and I just not ready for "dating." But if he invite me to his bed ... well... I just might say 'yes.'
There is a third category - friends. Yes, gay men can be friends with out benefits.
ReplyDeleteAbout 12-15 years ago I went out on a date and we had a wonderful time. I saw possibilities with him especially after a good night kiss turned into a hour long make ou/ heavy petting session with him in my Jeep Grand Cherokee (I've been a Jeep guy since 1996). Before he got out of the Jeep, he said he wanted me to know that he was +. I said was a bit surprised but said it was okay and was looking forward to our next date. He never called me or returned my call. I'll admit to thinking how lucky he was that I wanted to still see him and that he shouldn't be turning down guys like me - especially ones who were understanding about his HIV.
We crossed paths about a year later(I didn't place him at first). He apologized for not calling and said that it freaked him out that I didn't freak out. I was seeing someone and we never met again.
I share this with you because you are a man who came out late in life, was married, has kids and because of that some men will judge you undateable. They will make assumptions about you because of what they have heard or seen from other men with similar histories to yours.
Don't base you opinion of HIV+ men by Doug's story and his experiences. He may be responsible for how he is perceived by his own internal thoughts about being +. Also, given where you live, you may not be in the most enlighten/accepting area. You be the light and the difference that you already are.
Thanks, Sean! As I said to Will after his comment below, I will respond properly on my Wednesday's post.
DeleteBut what's this about "some men will judge you undateable?" Yikes! That's a depressing thought!!
I was struck by how "gay" your conclusion is -- no interest in a movie or dinner or the gym -- but hitting the sheets, probably yes. Some people find it necessary to condemn gay men for this, but I've always loved the fact that a couple of guys can encounter each other, decide that it would be fun to have sex, and then just do it and move on. Nice and easy as that. If that's what happens between you and Doug, take are of yourself and enjoy!
ReplyDeleteOh, and Sean, really great response. Bravo.
Sean and Will: thanks as always for your fantastic insights! My responses to your comments became so lengthy that I will post on Wednesday.
DeleteMy transitions from slut phase to dating to a LTR is (to my mind) a complicated business. The question: am I ready for the next step?
Let's see... he's depressed. You're not all that attracted to him. Why would you take the risk?
ReplyDeleteHey Gil, I know what you're saying and I certainly have thought about it.
DeleteIf I was getting married to Doug, then I'd be concerned about him being a bit gloomy. But I haven't spent enough time with him to be sure it's a chronic condition. But I'm sure if we were having hot sex, I wouldn't notice it!
He is handsome, 5'-11", nice brown eyes, intelligent, successful, slim but lightly muscled (he works out regularly), very well dressed and well-groomed..... darn tootin' I'm attracted to him!!
As to the risk, I understand from the comments on the previous post that I am probably under more risk having sex with every random guy that comes along, rather than with an HIV+ guy who has a non-detectible virus load.
And Buddy Bear, if you are anything like me, you will be "nowhere near finished" the end of your slut phase until you meet the man who will end it. It's not something I was remotely looking for or even knew I wanted, but after meeting him almost 17 years ago...I have never wanted anyone else. It sounds very cheesy, but he's still the hottest man I know!
ReplyDeleteYou may be near the end or far from the end, but it might be not be under your control.
Love your blog!
Thanks for the excellent comment and for sharing your experience! I hope you will be proven correct!!
DeleteI think it is a huge risk :-\
ReplyDeleteHi,
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Sounds great! I wish I could be there!!
DeleteI am glad you gave him a name; "The HIV+ guy" title is upsetting.
ReplyDelete