Saturday, January 10, 2015

Young versus old(er) gays.

It's been an extremely busy and exhausting week with school related, Pride-planning or family events every evening.  I've said "no" to offers from many of my favourite guys including the Hunky Construction Worker and the Sweet University Student.  (who has messaged me repeatedly)

For the last several nights, I've refrained from logging on to and Grindr so the guys won't see that I'm online.  I find it awkward to turn down a sexy guy I know and eventually, I fear that he will stop asking. 

As a member of our Pride planning committee, preparation for our June 2015 events are in full swing.  I am spending a great deal of time working with the full committee and others in the community involved in the several Pride events which I'm organizing.

At this week's meeting, we heard a presentation from a gay guy, 52, who wanted us to include a Pride event specifically targeted at LGBTQ people who were aged 50+.  He felt that all of our Pride events were youth or family oriented.  He claimed that older gays felt uncomfortable at events with blaring music or alcohol being served, or, at our Pride picnic, with young children running around. (I don't feel uncomfortable at all in these situations!)

He also described his awkwardness with the great social divide between between young gay guys and older ones. He said that he is often treated with scorn and rudeness if  he initiates a conversation with younger gay guys online or in person, as though he was a creepy stalker.

The Pride committee graciously agreed to add a 50+ event to our already-packed Pride week.  The older committee members (including me) also agreed to attend the first 50+ LGBTQ social event later this month, although I have mixed feelings about this.

This will sound terribly ageist, but to be extremely honest, I don't actually want to attend.  I have no desire to sit around awkwardly in a seniors' centre with a bunch of grouchy old gay men complaining about this and that.  I'm stereotyping, of course, but I also can't squeeze any more evening events into my schedule.

PS:  I later read the 52 year old guy's squirt profile which I found to be wildly inconsistent.  He claimed to be "seeking a relationship with and older man, not a hookup."   Yet, in the section TURNED ON BY, he listed the type of men he was seeking:   twinks, nerds, students and jocks.

Dude, really?  He claims to be seeking men his age but is only sexually attracted to young men;  I don't see how that will work out!
But what about this "social divide" between young and old gays men?   After the meeting, I discussed the issue with a very experienced 50-ish trans-woman on the committee.

I told her that 70% of my offers came from guys in their early 20s.   All the young gay guys I meet are seeking the safety and experience of an older guy, a "Daddy" figure.   I see no evidence of an age-related social divide.

My new trans friend (who has manged gay bars in big cities) explained that these young gay men  only feel free to contact me because they are "hidden" online.   She said that if I walked into a gay bar, I would see a segregation of young gay guys on one side and old gay guys on the other.

None of the young gay guys would have the courage to mingle with the older gay guys and would be mocked by their peers if they did.   And if any of the older gay guys tried to speak to younger gay guy in person, he would be treated rudely and be dismissed as a creepy, ugly old man.

I'm sure that my trans friend was right, but I have no experience with gay bars.

Does anyone have any experience on an age divide in the gay community?  Does it express itself differently online rather than in person?



  1. friend is correct... i havent done online in awhile since current boyfriend keeps my IRL social agenda fairly full... in person, most older+single gays ARE bitter... i think that mostly just reflects general societal trend that older folks are less-upbeat than younger folks...

    like you, my older gays-friends are either happy to do the daddy-thing; or they are burned out on the dating game...

    otoh, one of the BEST groups of folks ive hung out with - are a few older-gays who host fun summer pool-parties... they invite their older-friends, but specifically welcome anyone of any age... it has taken a couple summers to materialize, but now there are a fair fraction of younger-folks who come along (some paired-up agewise, some looking for daddy-types for the weekend, and some just interested in having a fun party)... the secret is in the hosts - they are very welcoming...

    so, if youre older (or whatever 'negative' subset [imagined or real]) and gay... ive found that if you just project general happiness and confidence and welcoming towards others - youll end up attracting it back... it is easier to do this (project positivity) online than IRL - but it almost always works...

    btw - if you want to go online to your 'haunts', then you might try going in anonymously - or setup a separate/blank profile if necessary... gl and hth...

    1. Thank you for your fantastic advice! I know that I already "project general happiness and confidence and welcoming towards others", not just in my gay life but and work and elsewhere.

      And I love the idea of pool (or other) parties.

  2. I've always decried ageism in gay life and have discovered that intergenerational relationships can work superbly despite the disparagement thrown at them by some people. I agree with Anonymous that it all depends on the attitude -- get all starchy and judgmental and nobody's going to mix well; be open and welcoming to everyone and there's no problem. I've been involved in several age gap situations as both the younger and older party and have had very nice experiences in every one.

    1. Thanks, Will! I know that you are right in what you say.

  3. Hi, I am a new reader of your blog, I am from Brazil and I was reading your adventures with the brazilian boys, but I don't understand somethings:
    1) In the post random facts about me you sayed that you have 2 childrens, but in future posts I read is tree
    2) I don´t understand when you and your ex wife split, how old were you? How old are you now, can you make a post for new readers of your blog?

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. Brazilian men are my favourite! I was 47 and had been married 19 years when my wife first discovered naked men on my laptop. One year later, I started my blog in January 2011.

      Right now, I am 52 and have three kids, 18, 20 and 22.

      In the very earliest days of my blog, I was terrified that I would be "found out", that someone would figure out who I was, so I deliberately falsified some of the biographical details; mainly my age and how many kids I have.

      I no longer do this although, in fact, numerous readers have figured out my true location and I still worry about being found out. I have met over 10 blog readers in person so far, mainly fellow bloggers.

      And yes, I should do a "summary post" because it would be hard to figure out those details in my four years' of posting. Soon!

    2. Thank you for the answer. I was reading your posts and thinking: even in Canada where LGBT community is more "free" have so much closet men until today, imagine Brazi,l who is in some level a homofobic country. Luck this Brazilian boys go to Canada have fun. I do belive some boys are bisexual, and in Brazil the nunber of bi man is big.

    3. I also think it's great that the Brazilian boys are having some gay fun in Canada. They are all in the closet to their families back in Brazil and all had girlfriends there, at least in the past.

  4. More on this aging, since I have moved outside of Toronto, I have been hit on by two men under 25. When I was here over a month ago, looking to buy, I was hit on by a 23 year old. City vs country. I guess country boys just wanna have fun like you, buddy. While city boys are update and worried what they will say. Even while in the city I get hit on by a few young guys at the baths. With their being hyper, few is enough for me. LOL.
    I Say it's all in our thinking, if we say no one going to look at us, then the universe provides. I have a positive attitude.

  5. I was trying to say some of the city twinks are uptight and worry what others will think of them more than the country guys.

  6. I agree with you completely! The young country or small town boys I'm with are pretty laid back. They're not gym-buffed, waxed, tattooed, or primped up... just ordinary guys.

    They appreciate the confidence of an older guy. And Rick, with all of your tantric skills, just think of the fantastic experience you can give them! What lucky guys!

  7. Being around an "old timer" his penis works better then my penis..... That what I have notices....

    1. That's good to hear! That is not always how it works out with everyone, so your old timer is lucky.


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