Tuesday, April 29, 2014

A gracious note from Obese Politician

The Obese Politician sent me this gracious message on squirt.org shortly after our coffee date three days ago:

Hi _ _ _ _ _
I quite enjoyed your company today and having coffee with you. If you are interested in meeting again perhaps to do dinner or a show that would be nice

If you don't want to do this again just let me know, I understand.   Have a good evening and good weekend.   Hope you see your daughter tomorrow

Hugs _ _ _ _ _ _

I have very mixed feelings about the whole episode.  I do feel sorry for Gay Politician due to his loneliness and (let's face it), unattractiveness in the gay LTR marketplace but that would be the worst possible reason to become friends with someone.  He's been rejected many times before me;  surely he's used to it.

Even if I did want to be platonic friends with him, I am fairly sure that he would be pushing to turn it into an LTR which would make every encounter as awkward as hell.  But in his gracious note, he did provide me with a clear "out" and clearly understood my ambivalence.

I'm not sure that I would want to go out to the movies with him on what looked like a "gay date", surrounded by dozens of people I knew in town including students.  I just wouldn't want people to think that we were a couple, shallow as that sounds.

What is going out to dinner like with someone who's had 95% of his stomach surgically removed?  Obese Politician is limited to eating 1/2 cup portions at a time.  Where is the fun in that, going out to a nice restaurant and having someone else watching me eat dinner without being able to eat himself?

If I had a platonic gay friend, I would want to "do stuff" with him such as going wilderness hiking, cross-country skiing, biking or walking in the park, but Gay Politican can barely walk due to his obesity.

I am also annoyed with his  persistence, because I did ignore his advances for months on Scruff, Grindr and Squirt when any non-desperate gay guy would have gotten the message and left me alone.  Why did I say "yes" to a coffee date?

Because I'm a nice guy, that's why!  But a nice guy would not string Obese Politician along and leave him thinking that we had a chance.  But although I'm a "nice guy", I am rejecting him mainly based on his unattractiveness ..... how shallow is that?

But I must respond to his squirt message soon, and honestly.  But my lack of response over the past three days has probably already screamed to him my lack of interest already.

In other news, my charismatic, sweet middle daughter arrived home for the summer from her far-away university.  After one overnight at my ex's, she is spending the week with me which is extremely pleasant.  We make and eat supper together, work on light projects around the house and watch movies before bedtime.

I am determined to cherish these times because they are drawing to a close.  Soon, she will be living independently and most likely far away given the poor job prospects for young people in our town.

To that end, I haven't logged onto Squirt at all since Saturday evening when I had five different guys, several of them desirable, trying to start chats with me. I thought:  "Enough!"

I'm deferring any hookups until next week when (I think) my daughter will be living at my ex wife's house.

My son is a bit of a "free agent";  he is living here as well but see him only in passing.  He spend time mainly  with his friends (as a 17 year old should) and has frequent sleepovers who-knows-where.  I suspect he lives here mainly to get away from his mother who he finds annoying on an on-going basis.

But every few days or so, he schedules an evening with me working to complete one of our major renovation projects, so he does have a strong sense of responsibility and duty.

That's all for now!  Here are some hot athletic guys in spandex to brighten your day.



  1. Believe me, there is somebody out there for Obese Politician - it just isn't you. However, if you find his conversation and company to be stimulating (in an UN-sexual way) there is no reason to not meet him for coffee once in a while just to chat and catch up... That's what "occasional" friends do, and you could classify him as exactly that.

    1. Obese Politician's problem is that he is NOT rich..... that would be a big draw for lots of gay men. He has debt from his divorce and has a modest job working in a group home for elderly sex offenders.

      I could use more friends and we DID have a very interesting conversation, so I'll consider your advice.

  2. I have to agree with whkattk. Think of it as a way of learning to deal with being the "hot guy" As a teacher I'm sure you have seen cases where hot girls or guys have to deal with people who want them when the feeling isn't mutual. Think about how they handled it. Could be useful in the long run. Just a suggestion.

    1. Thanks, skier! I would strongly disagree that I'm a "hot guy!" I would hope that our hot students deal with unwanted attention politely without being hurtful.

  3. You should not view yourself as being shallow. You have valid reasons for not wanting to encourage Obese Politician. Politely decline any part (or all) of the friendship that is not what you desire.

  4. Yes, TOO nice!. This guy is 1) clearly desperate, and 2) out of touch with reality. Who wants to date an obese guy who can barely walk? By meeting him for coffee you may have unintentionally given him a glimmer of hope that one day you and he will be together. Continuing to meet him will just keep that hope alive and make it stronger. He wants to get you naked, and future meetings will be very awkward. You are right about that.

    This is a sad situation. He's lonely and wants to be with someone.

  5. I don't think you are being shallow. There are many things that have to jive to make any relationship, at any level, work. Attractiveness to you is one of those pieces. I think, since you find him mentally stimulating, that perhaps an occasional coffee or less formal meal could be just what he needs. I sort of get where he's coming from: I crave gay friends, whether I am interested in them as possible relationship material or not. I just want to be around "my own kind" and while the LGBTQ youth group and its fellow volunteers and facilitators helps to a degree, I am 55 versus their average of probably around 25 (most are university social work or counseling students).

    So yeah, this is getting long. I saw the other comments, and yeah, there is a wide range of thought on this. As intelligent, caring, and compassionate as you are, you'll make the right decision for you, and find a way to communicate it to your acquaintance.

    And SUPER DUPER on seeing your daughter. You are a great dad to make sure you're around as much as possible while she's in. It's because of this she won't become a stranger even when she is 100% out on her own. She'll be back as much as she can because of the kind of parent you've been to her from day 1. Same for your son. (Besides, he's going to be rich once he gets his certs and will be able to afford to fly you all off to exotic destinations for fabulous vacations all over the warm Caribbean!)

    Peace <3

    1. Thanks, Jay, for your thoughtful comments. Several real-life friends have told me the same thing: that I can visit my son all over the world, wherever his jobs take him. :-)

  6. Amazing photos, love it. Wish I could wrassle, but I have a constant fear of having a hard on. It's a sport! It should be respected and not sexyfied.

    Gay Politician reminded me of the thing that we always need to remember no matter how old we are: you are not responsible for one's happiness.

    Gay Politician will be fine. Yes he will. It's not your responsibility.

    Your kids seems to be doing well. Congratulations!

    1. Yes, than you for reminding me that Gay Politician is not my responsibility. I do not want to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him, which I do.

  7. So you're sure he thinks he can interest you in LTR? Did you enjoy the conversation with him? I mean, maybe he already got it that you aren't interested in him physically but he just looks for a friend to talk to? Was that interesting enough?
    If you think you like to talk to him from time to time, tell him what you have wrote here, that you really aren't interested in any form of relationship despite being "coffee-friends". Be honest and open. Tell him that you have your hook-ups, that you don't even have enough time for them, that you're going to look for someone who shares your interests of going wilderness hiking, cross-country skiing, biking or walking in the park in a LTR - when you finally are going to look for one. Tell him you've enjoyed your conversation but you don't think that you have more in common than the occasional coffee-meet. You don't have time for more and you just aren't attracted to him for more. And it actually would be nice of you if you'd not tell him it's because he is fat but because you just don't feel that way. Being gay doesn't mean you have to be attracted to every other gay man you meet, right? I mean, I'm straight and I'm definitely not into every man I see walking around.
    Be nice but make it clear and be honest without being cruel, you can do that, you are a good person.

    Oh, and if you have been bored during your coffee - be also nice but honest. Just tell him that you don't think you have enough in common - you being the outdoor and physically active type.

    1. Thanks for your thoughtful comments! I did enjoy our conversation and found him interesting, not boring.

      But apart from his physical appearance, I really do need a "sporty" guy as my future boyfriend or LTR.... so I don't have to do all of those things alone. Obese Politician will never be able to fill that role.

  8. Just because you are not attracted to fat guys does not mean they have no LTR prospects in the gay world. Have you never heard of chubby chasers? Not everyone is attracted to the guys you are and it is bit conceited of you to think that your standards of attractiveness and sexiness are universal. I mean, there are plenty of younger gay guys who are not into daddies like you (and even grossed out by the thought of being with a guy over 50) but it would be silly of them to think you had no LTR prospects, correct? Sounds to me like you and Obese Politician are not a good match, even if just friends. I would not want to be friends with someone whose reaction to my pics was "EWWW!", who thought I was pushy and who would be embarrassed to be seen with me for fear people might think we were a couple. If that is being a nice guy I would hate see what you thought being a mean guy was. Honestly tell Obese Politician that even as friends you are not a good match.

    1. Hey Anonymous. I'm just being honest; there is no need to label me "mean" and "conceited" when you don't know me at all. I"m saying "ewww" online, not to his face. I'm polite, respectful and compassionate to every man I'm with.

      And yes, I do know that the majority of 20-something gay men would NOT find me attractive; that's why I never message them. I only respond to the young men who do find me attractive and send me messages on grindr, squirt and the like.

      But I think the vast majority of the population of any gender or orientation would say the same thing if forced to look at a pic of a 450 pound man, naked, with his ass cheeks spread.

      I know there are chubby chasers but surely they are in the minority. Obese Politician hasn't found any, at least from what he told me. And you may be correct; Obese Politician may not been a good match as friends.

  9. Can we maybe call him PUP? Physically Undesirable Politician? He's a nice guy and I feel like this is sort like bullying.

    You have great instincts and are always polite and understanding of others. Your life with your ex taught you a valuable lesson that too many people never learn - how to take care of your own needs. Yes, there are those that do this very well and extremely selfishly but not you. I had a bf with a bad back and he couldn't do many of the things that were key to my life and my circle of friends - tennis and biking. It put a lot of stress on me and became a big part of why we didn't work out. His weight issues and overall heath will prevent him from being viable/desirable bf because the two of you or your eventual circle of friends activities will be more physical and either he won't be able to participate or you'd exclude yourself. The dining thing can be worked out no problem.

    Bottom line - if you enjoy his company then maybe you can become casual friends. I think because it seems like your paths will continue to cross that it would be worth some effort. If he can't respect that then you can't be friends.

    I love reading about you and your kids - it's just so positive and heartwarming.

    1. Thanks, Sean, for your excellent, experienced comments! "Bullying" in what sense.... do you mean when all of us are discussing him online anonymously?

      Conversely, I felt that he was being overly aggressive in messaging me despite my attempts to ignore him: every time I logged on to squirt, scruff or grindr, there he was with another message.

      He should have figured out much sooner that I clearly wasn't interested. I do need to keep my own needs and desires as a top priority.

      But yes, our paths will cross constantly. For that reason, I don't want to end it with bad feelings on his part. This is a very small-town gay community and any stories of meanness on my part will get around.

  10. I don't think you should be overly conflicted (if that's the word) over not being attracted to Gay Politician because of his obesity. You are attracted to a man or you are not. You don't have to answer to anyone for your preferences or attractions -- they are deeply personal and you have every right to them. I don't see shallowness, particularly as I am sure that you will handle him in a way that preserves his dignity while saying what needs to be said.

    1. Thanks, Will, as always, for the sensible advice! Every aspect of your answer was perfect and intent to pay need.

  11. I do see Shallowness, you are only interested in the hookup and the sex. Maybe he would be glad just to have a friend, someone to spend time with maybe you were to meet on this journey and it would be life changing for one or both of you. You judge him but in the same breath you are worried about what people around town might think of YOU.

    1. Yes, I don't normally give a hoot about what other people think.

      But, to be really honest, I would be embarrassed to sit with him at our local movie theatre on a Friday night. We'd be surrounded by students, past and present, and other people I know in town. I wouldn't want them to think that he was my boyfriend. So if that warrants your label of "shallow", so be it.

  12. Lots of thoughtful comments! You are a very fortunate person to have so many kind, interested and level-headed folks advising you. Just what PUP lacks. Apparently. You are not responsible for his happiness, it's true. You may be responsible for a certain increase in his unhappiness, however. Does any ever get "used to rejection"?
    Seems unlikely. Can you imagine yourself in his situation? What would you want?

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