Growing up Without Porn

Would I have figured out that I was gay sooner if I had had access to gay porn at a younger age?   

My friends, cousins, brothers and I grew up in an environment in which pornography was just about absent.  We rarely saw it, never talked about it and indeed, barely knew it existed.  We lived in a small, rural town where everyone knew everyone else and porn was completely off the radar.  Where would you get it without everyone knowing?  Strict puritanical laws in our state strictly controlled all "immorality";  no Sunday shopping, restaurants not allowed to serve alcohol and no porn publicly displayed in shops.

My only childhood memory of porn was in grade 5, a back-and-white photo of a woman, naked from the waist up, being passed around.  "Funnel tits," we called her.  I couldn't see what the other boys were so excited about, especially since I grew up in a family with a very casual attitude about family nudity.  Naked breasts and penises galore were things I'd seen 'in the flesh' countless times before.

At 24, living in a major city on my own, I wandered into a porn shop and looked at my very first gay porn magazine, "Torso" or "Inches" or something.  Although I was obviously curious and drawn to look, I never once thought why I wanted to look.  I was completely oblivious;  absolutely non-reflective! 

I found the pictures themselves just gross and I left immediately, never to return!!  The models were mainly skinny, homely boys with huge grossly swollen members.  Ick!   These were the first erections I'd ever seen, except my own.

At 26, in another city's public library, I saw the book The Joy of Gay Sex on the shelf.  Again, I was compelled to look inside and was instantly revolted yet fascinated by the line drawings.  Men were engaged in things I'd never imagined such as anal sex and cock-sucking.  It was just disgusting and I put the book away quickly.  I'll admit, however, that I did pop an erection while looking at it.  Again, "the lights were on but no one was home."   I didn't even once consider what my curiosity might signify.

In my early 30s, married with two kids, and enjoying (...no savouring... wallowing in....) frequent sex with my wife, we got our first internet service.  At first, I only looked at straight sex... penis in vagina, the juicier the better ... in fact, I still love looking at this. To this day, I cannot look at video clips of anal sex or pictures of assholes without feeling nauseous.  

Fairly quickly, I moved on from straight sex to looking at naked men alone, but never men-on-men.  For the first time in my life, I had unlimited access to pictures of naked men.  My attraction to men was something I could no longer ignore.....